Monday, April 13, 2009

Bitchy Pregnant Chick Vent

Seven weeks to go. I'm well into my third trimester & well into being crabbier than ever. So let the venting begin. (Yup, I'm about to piss off a bunch of people)

Pregnancy means my stomach is smushed to half its normal size, so therefore I have horrible acid reflux despite strong prescription drugs. It's so bad I regularly wake up choking on my own puke. Every time I eat I get at least a little sick, & needless to say I'm eating a LOT right now. Don't ask me if I've tried Tums. Do you think I'm fucking stupid or I've never left the house or something? I've heard of the Tums, I go through a bottle every few days on top of the Nexium. I know you mean well, but whatever.

Pregnancy means I'm carrying around an 35 pounds & therefore my inner thighs are fighting an all out war for the same space & my hips have spread an extra 10 inches in circumference. All I can muster is a slow shuffle/waddle right now. I'm so slow I annoy myself. Seriously, I've got places to go & stuff to do, walking at a normal speed would really make my day. Speaking of 35 extra pounds, about three weeks ago I realized that my "hot" pair of maternity jeans are too tight. As in I can't get them past mid-thigh. I've outgrown maternity jeans, do you understand what this means? Don't tell me how "cute" I am, I may throat punch you if it's a low self esteem/extra swelling day. Sexy, glowy fertility mama, yes, but "cute", fuck off.

Pregnancy makes you tired. On top of normal pregnancy energy drain, third trimester means I cannot find a comfortable sleeping position, plus the whole acid reflux thing I mentioned earlier, plus my son likes to disco dance in my ute between the hours of 3:00 - 6:00 a.m. I've also worked overtime 35 out of the last 37 weeks. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT make a single demand of my time right now. And if you must ask me to do something or pencil you in, don't get all pissy with me if I can't do it. I haven't called or emailed in awhile? Sorry, I haven't forgot you, but the phone works both ways & you may need to make more of the effort right now. I feel terrible if I don't call and visit family & friends often, but it's all I can do to keep up with work & home right now, & I don't need you adding to my guilt trip.

/Vent - for now. Next venting topic - judgmental people that should really install a brain to mouth filtering device.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Watch Me Grow

Oh what a differnce 9 weeks makes.

18 week bump:



27 week bump:





I feel pretty freaking huge. In reality, I know I may not actually be the fat ass I think I am, but I never thought I would see numbers like this on the scale. I feel guilty for even caring - intellectually, I know that pregnancy = weight gain. I realized that when the plus sign came up on the test (all 5 of them), when my belly started rounding in the 1st trimester, when I started going back for seconds and thirds at every meal. Including dessert. But it's different when it actually happens. I thought I would feel womanly & glowly throughout my pregnancy, but most of the time I feel like a waddling cow.

Good news is I actually like this picture. Chip took it right before we headed out for a much deserved date night. We had a great time - I'm lucky to have him as a father & soon to be husband.

Gotta run for now. Ari has started kicking, which must mean it's time for ice cream.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Best Week Ever



Sunday: Steelers, fuck yeah!




Monday: 20 week ultrasound. We're having a boy! I'm officially halfway through my pregnancy too.



Tuesday: YES WE DID!

My first bragging point as a new parent is that my unborn son helped volunteer for Obama in the womb. Yup, destined to be a bleeding heart, tree hugging liberal just like Mum & Dad.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Knocked up...

Yup, been forever since I posted yet again. Here's what's going on with me:

4D Ultrasound pics showing baby @ 12 weeks:





Pictures of me taken last week - showing off my 18 week bump:



Next week we'll have another ultrasound & hopefully find out what if this baby is a he or she. Until then, I'll post more pregnancy hormone induced emotional rants. Enjoy!

Monday, November 10, 2008

Deep Thought

When Bush won stole both of his elections by hair, the conventional wisdom is he has a mandate and tons of political capital.

When Obama wins by an electoral and popular vote landslide, he'd better be real careful not to piss off any Republicans by being to "bold" or "actually trying to get anything done". Even though we just elected a man with the middle name Hussein who was painted as everything from a Nazi appeaser to a socialist, we're a "right of center" country. So Barack Obama the Democrat had better govern as a Republican.

I love the mainstream media.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Reality Check Time

"Are you watching the idiots on CNN?"

This is the text message I received from my BFF Brook on April 22nd, the day of the Pennsylvania primary. I called her to find out what the fuss was about, as I was glued to MSNBC. Brook was pretty pissed - exit polls were showing Hillary supporters were saying they wouldn't vote for Obama in the fall, & would vote for McCain instead. At smaller portion of Obama supporters were saying the same thing.

Disclaimer time - Brook is a Clinton supporter. I'm an Obama supporter. But as much as Brook prefers Hillary, she thought this defection to McCain was pretty ridiculous. Of course she would vote for Obama if he won the nomination, she stated, Clinton & Obama are so close in positions anyway, & McCain is not. What are these people thinking?, she wondered.

I felt the same way. If Obama lost the nomination, I would be horribly disappointed. I'd probably even cry. But I'm not an idiot - I'm pissed about a lot of the things the Clintons & their campaign have done, but I would pull the lever for her a million times over in November.

Brook & I are life long, committed Democrats. She & I may disagree on who would be the better president, but we understand that even if our preferred candidate doesn't win the nomination, the most important thing is saving this country from Bush's third term.

So today I wandered over to No Quarter, a pro - Hillary blog. I'm not even going to link to it because the comments section of each post were so disgusting I don't want to advertise it. I know that some Obama supporters have said they will not vote for Clinton, but it is statistically fewer than the opposite case. I've seen a few Obama supporters comment they would be hard pressed to vote for Clinton or state they would not under any circumstances, but not with the same rabid hatred as the Clinton supporters on No Quarter (or on Taylor Marsh or several others for that matter). There's even a link floating around for a petition against voting for Obama in the fall, & people threatening to riot at the convention. I'm really concerned about this & feel it's time for a reality check for my fellow Dems.

Unless Obama comes out & admits that he & Rev. Wright were plotting with Al Qaeda to kill puppies & enslave the white race, or something equally ridiculous, Obama is our nominee. Clinton cannot catch up in mathematical terms by the end of the primaries. He is ahead in total delegates, which includes pledged & super. Speaking of superdelegates, by some counts he's ahead now, by others he is within 4 of Clinton. He is ahead in the popular vote. Let me state that again - he is ahead in the popular vote, by a lot. I know the Clinton camp is floating the theory that the popular vote is close. If you count Michigan (in which Obama does not get any popular vote) & Florida, & then throw out Iowa, Nevada, Washington & Maine (these states do not track the popular vote), he is still ahead by over 100,000. So the only way the popular vote is even close is to throw out four states & include one where he received no votes. You can check out the numbers at Real Clear Politics if you don't believe me - by any metric, he is currently ahead by anywhere from 113,498 - 846,801 . The popular vote metric is one that the Clinton camp likes to use, but it is not accurate since 4 states do not track it. More importantly, that is not how our nominee is chosen. The person ahead in total delegates, and/or who reaches the magic 2,025 number, is the nominee. The Clinton camp seemed to be okay the with the rules before their candidate started losing. And I've heard the argument from her surrogates & her camp that she has a broader base of supporters (white people), so she's the better candidate. I hate to bring up facts again, but if Obama's base is so small, why has he won more states, more delegates, & more popular vote? Each candidate obviously has their base, but enough already. Each candidate will have an uphill battle with certain demographic groups, but to claim Clinton is more electable in the general election when she hasn't won the primaries is circular reasoning. I really hate the whole "my base is better than your base" thing anyway.

Reality check time. By both the DNC rules & by Clinton's everchanging rules, Obama is winning, & their is really no way for Clinton to catch up to the math game. Obama is our presumptive nominee. I'm not saying Clinton should quit - I truly feel it is her right to stay in until the last primary, although she ought to be very careful to not be negative in interest of the Party. She needs to focus her attention on drawing contrasts with McCain if she stays in.

So for those of you who consider yourselves "true" Democrats, but are threatening to vote for McCain, get over it. No one "stole" this from Hillary, & the media and/or the DNC has not chosen Obama for us. People voted (a lot of them), superdelegates have pledged & she is about to lose the majority. I'm truly sorry your candidate lost - I know I would be upset if the situation was reversed. But again, get over it. Enough with the threats to the superdelegates, enough with the "he's a black militant Muslim" smears, enough with the "McCain is better than Obama" crap. If you truly believe McCain has better policies, fine, go vote for him. If you agree with Clinton though, I highly doubt you'll find McCain's views agreeable. I hate to break it to you, but Obama & Clinton are pretty close in political views. My Clinton supporting friend Brook understands that, & so do I. McCain has stated he'll appoint Supreme Court judges who oppose Roe v. Wade, he has intention of getting us out of Iraq, & his plans to fix health care & the economy are laughable. McCain may be painted as "a maverick" by the media, but he will continue the failed policies of the Bush administration. As a Democrat, are you okay with any of the above? Didn't think so.

So yes, each of our Democratic candidates have their flaws. You may prefer one or the other. You may think one or the other has a better base to win the general election. But, if you're a true Democrat, the most important thing is to unite - all Democrats of all demographics - and win the White House and the Congress in November. If all of us - long time Democrats & newbies alike - unite & show up to vote in November like we have in the primaries, we'll be unstoppable. That's what this is about - not Barack Obama, not Hillary Clinton. It's about you & me & our children & our childrens children & our blessed country. So everyone, Obama & Clinton supporters alike, get over it & get with it. Start spreading the word & getting out the vote. It's time to take this country back!

Monday, April 07, 2008

First Site is Live!

Exciting news! My first freelance gig is now a live site!

In collaboration with Web Edge Software, I helped develop the website for Western Pennsylvania Landscape Lighting last month. You can check it out here:

Western Pennsylvania Landscape Lighting

I completed the initial layout & overall design, the CSS, and the XHTML for the layout. Nick from Web Edge did the rest.

I'm working on two other projects right now & will provide links when they're completed. Gotta get back to work!

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Clinton: Not above stealing elections

For the most part, I've kept my opinions on the Democratic primary to myself as far as this blog is concerned. I've had my preferences throughout this way too long campaign, & admittedly Hillary Clinton has never been at the top of that list. I've held my tongue on this blog though, because I think it's so important to get a Democrat in the White House this year, whomever it is. Until very recently, I've felt that even if my preferred candidate doesn't win, any of the above would be a fantastic president & far better than any Republican. But the events of the last few weeks have got my blood boiling. It's time to speak up for the good of the country & good of the party, even if no one cares what some idiot with an addiction to politics has to say.

We are now in a three party race. No, I'm not talking about Nader - I'm referring to the Republicans, the Democrats, & the Clinton party. Many times I've questioned her campaign tactics during the course of this campaign, but since Super Tuesday, it has risen to a level that is completely unacceptable.

Now before you accuse me of whining because poor Obama is actually having to fight, that is not the point I'm about to make at all. Yes, he has to be tough for the general. Yes, he's got to learn to fight back, & he needs to do a better job than he has been. Karl Rove is now advising John McCain, so it's going to get ugly. However, this does not give Clinton permission to insult huge numbers of Democratic voters & the majority of the states that have voted thus far, to practically endorse McCain in an effort to "bloody" Obama, to minimize what his campaign has done for the party & for our chances at huge majorities in the next election, or to threaten to overturn the will of the people by superdelegates or even the pledged delegates. I will post more about the previous points in coming days, but right now I'm really pissed about this, from a just released Newsweek interview with Clinton:

How can you win the nomination when the math looks so bleak for you?

It doesn’t look bleak at all. I have a very close race with Senator Obama. There are elected delegates, caucus delegates and superdelegates, all for different reasons, and they’re all equal in their ability to cast their vote for whomever they choose. Even elected and caucus delegates are not required to stay with whomever they are pledged to. This is a very carefully constructed process that goes back years, and we’re going to follow the process.


Note the portion I've italicized. This is not the first time it's been floated by her campaign, & it's absolutely sickening. Hey, Senator Clinton, you are a Democrat still, right? You know that we can be a wee bit sensitive about stolen elections, right? Do you really think it's good for the party or the country if you win that way? Are we not supposed to be the party that is fighting for fair elections & counting the votes? Wake up. This nomination is not about you, Senator Clinton, it's about what's good for the country. And with tactics & threats like these, you are not.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Imagine

If all those red states could become blue...



Stay tuned, ranting about the primary coming up...

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Tolerance

One of my former coworkers, who worked on the original project at the Super Big Corporation Who Shall Remain Nameless with me, sent me a congratulatory email on the new gig today:

"I am, quite frankly, in awe of your bullshit tolerance abilities. They are clearly epic."

Hell yeah.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Too Busy Thinking About the Future to Give a F**k About the Present

A lot has been going on, & I haven't blogged about any of it! I promise to get everyone caught up this weekend.

The short of it is this:

A few weeks ago I accepted a permanent position w/ the ginormous company I've been whored out to since June. It's a promotion & a hefty pay raise, blah blah.

I went to SC for a week & a half over the holidays. Had a blast. Drank every night I was there, though I was not drunk every night. Well, maybe a little. I saw the sun too! It still exists!

Made New Years Resolutions, which I generally don't bother with. I'm not going to quit smoking, I eat fine, & I exercise. So what's the point? Well, this year, I decided to make some:

1. Drink more. I hadn't had a drop of alcohol in 2 months before going on vacation. This is uncalled for. This should also be a pretty easy resolution to keep.
2. Blog more. We'll see how this works out - not so good so far.
3. Start paying attention to how I dress & stop shopping like a guy. That means shopping as quickly as possible as infrequently as possible. I may be a geek, but I am a girl & should care about these sorts of things.

Other than that, I've been doing some emotional reflection, but that's another blog post. See Resolution #2.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Brrrrrrrr

The Northeast winter is kicking in. The high temp will be in the low 40's for the rest of the week, and there may be snow too. Now granted, it gets in the 40's once in awhile in South Carolina, but not this early, and only for a few days at a time.

After living in SC for 12 years, I've become rather cold intolerant, so after 2 days of the weather shifting towards something like winter, I'm ready to bail. Unfortunately, looks like I'll be stuck up here until May. Unless fans of the blog decide to contribute to the "Dana Needs to Relocate to a Warmer Climate" fund, that is...

Thursday, October 11, 2007

A Question I Would Like to Ask Clinton

Even though she likes to claim she'll end the war for sound bite worthy quotes, Clinton says she would keep troops in Iraq to combat terrorism. So, if we got into this war to supposedly fight terrorism, & we're staying there to fight terrorism (according to the neocons & Bush), how is her proposed policy any different? Just curious...

Monday, September 24, 2007

Officially a Spinster

So my Grandmother calls tonight "just to chat". She asks a lot of questions regarding my safety - like if I bring my phone when I walk Rite, am I careful where I walk him, do I make sure my doors are locked? Uhh, yeah, especially since I live blocks from the ghetto.

So we're finishing the conversation & she mentions that she is going to start calling more often just to check on me, because since I'm all by myself, something could happen, and no one would even know. Yup, I'm alone. Thanks for the reminder.

Hey, have you heard that one about the single cat lady who died in her apartment, & no one knew for a week, during which the cats ate her face? Hilarious story...

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

"I Don't Know"

I cannot believe this. I'm watching the news, listening to Petraeus give his spin about how successful the escalation is in Iraq & why we still need to be there. So Sen. John Warner (R) asks him if we're making America safer by continuing the war in Iraq, & Petraeus replies (after punting once & having to be asked again) "I don't know". Watch a video clip here.

You don't know? Are you kidding me? Isn't that the reason why my brother & all the other troops are over there? He could have at least given a Bushesque response - the whole "we've got to fight them over there so they don't follow us home" crap. How are the troops going to feel when they hear his response? Are you over there risking your lives to make our country safer? Hell if the head general knows.

I'm absolutely disgusted.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Furkids


Rite's new friends at Frick Park.


Big smile!


My boys.

Monday, August 13, 2007

My Dev Peeps




I finally got my most recent roll of film developed. This is from my last day at Level One. I miss my Level One people a lot. I've got some Photoshop work to do, after that I'll be posting some more pics of the furkids.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Cloudy with a Chance of Gloom

Mornings are the worst. It’s going to be another typical, overcast Pittsburgh day. Why is it worth getting out of bed? So I can pretend once again that I give two shits about my job? So I can annoy everyone with my irritability? So I can spend another day feeling down & lonely & wondering what the point of all this is? I hit the snooze until Rite nudges me. He needs walked, kitties need fed, bills have to be paid. Out of bed, face the dread.

The bus driver is about as cranky as I am. He sighs loudly and pounds the steering wheel as he navigates his way downtown. I try to tune out the other riders, most of which won’t sit next to me unless every other seat is full. I’m sure the dark cloud over my head makes me seem just a bit unapproachable. I turn up my iPod a bit, fighting back the tears. As I walk down 5th, I watch the people milling about, & I wonder if any of them are as despondent as I am.
He broke me, and I let him. As a teenager, I vowed to never let a man mean this much to me, to never let anyone have this much control over my emotions, to not be this vulnerable. Now I am one of those girls, those girls who is so heart broken over a worthless man that her life just stopped, who’s self esteem is crushed over a breakup, who spends hours wondering & wishing, who is just unhappy without her man. I hate this, it’s ridiculous.

I tell myself over & over to STOP LOVING HIM, LET IT GO. It doesn’t matter who he was, it’s what he’s turned into. It was a waste, a waste of nearly 5 years. His musings about marriage & the happiness & stolen moments & longing glances across the room & laughter & fantasies about till death do us part DO NOT MATTER. Let it go, move on. I’m in the city again, it’s time to start over, embrace the opportunity. But no, I’m one of those girls. And right now I just want to hide from the world & sleep. At least when sleep comes, peace comes with it. And in my dreams, we’re happy again.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Melancholy & the Infinite Sadness

As promised, now that I have my Macbook back, posting shall begin again.

I've been pretty slammed lately. At the end of June, I went back to work. I landed three month contract gig as a Front End Developer at an undisclosed corporation downtown. It will remain undisclosed because they're really tight on company info and I'm sure they wouldn't appreciate some contract chick saying a bunch of uncomplimentary shit about them on her blog. I imagine I could follow the "if you can't say anything nice..." rule. Whatever.

Let's just say I'm glad this job only lasts 3 months. The bigger the company, the more committees and corporate politics and red tape and bullshit there is to deal with. On top of that, it is the most poorly managed project I've ever encountered. The project manager who was hired along with us can't manage his way out of a box. Then somehow everyone figured out I actually know what the hell I"m doing, so my responsibilities have grown tremendously. This was supposed to be a slacka job for me, but now notsomuch.

As far as my general emotional outlook, it depends on the day. Most are clouded by pervasive melancholy. My best days I'm just down & cranky & don't particularly care to deal with day to day realities. My worst it's nearly impossible to drag myself out of bed, & I wonder if I'd have the motivation if it wasn't for the furkids. Sometimes Rite's smiling face & the kitties purring are all that keeps me going.

So do I like Pittsburgh or South Carolina better at this point? It's a hard question to answer. My personality fits better in a northeast metropolitan area than in a midsize Bible Belt town for sure. The job opportunities & pay are way better than in SC, there's more to do, etc. But I haven't established a social circle or real life outside day to day drudgery yet, and I still miss what I thought I had. I came here to heal my broken heart & shattered psyche, and I'm impatiently waiting for better days. Yeah, yeah, Time heals all wounds. Fuck the cliches yet again.

In other news, James shipped off for Iraq last week. He just finished training under the Army in Mississippi. Basically, since the Army is out of people since THEY"RE GETTING KILLED LEFT AND RIGHT (just a slight undertone of anger), their pulling Air Force people. James was supposed to be helping with convoys, which is where all the guys are getting killed by roadside bombs. They finally figured out after 5 years of this shit that it's too dangerous, so he'll just be doing police duty at a prison south of Baghdad. I"m not sure how often I'll hear from him over the next few months - he's not sure how readily available the phones & computers are. This has been very helpful for my depression, by the way.

Well, I will cease the whining now. More later...

Monday, July 23, 2007

Resuscitated

My Macbook was successfully released from the Apple hospital today. Poor baby was gone for over a week!

So I'll be posting by the end of the week. And it will be a long one, so get ready to exercise your reading skills. Hey, it's been a month, there's a lot to catch up on!

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Another Kind of Green

“I love you. You are so beautiful. Please just stay....”

And so went the musings of Chip as he slept, betraying his lucid convictions, illustrating how conflicted he was about what he had done. He was just as unable to let go as I was.

About a week after I announced I was moving to Pittsburgh, he began to sleep in our bed again. A part of me hoped he would make things right with me, but I knew deep down he wouldn’t. Every night, I would question whether to tell him to return to the couch. Maybe if I was tough, it would rattle him enough to make him change his ways. Even if it didn’t, should I let him sleep next to me if he wasn’t willing to fix this? But I was done fighting for us, fighting with him. After two months of sleep deprivation and tear filled nights, I just wanted to rest, and I needed the comfort of his embrace.

A few nights after he came back to bed, I asked him if he really wanted me to go. He replied that he thought “it was best”. In a way it was like he ended it all over again, but I already knew what his answer would be. It would’ve taken more than a “please stay” to keep me there. Maybe he knew that and he wasn’t ready; maybe he thought it was too late. I’ll never know what was going through his mind that last week, and it doesn’t really matter anymore.

Sunday, May 13th, was the last evening I spent with Cosette. Chip had broke the news to her on Friday while I was in North Carolina for a wedding. She handled it fairly well when he told her, but she got very upset that Sunday before bed. I cried over leaving Cosette at least as much as I cried over losing Chip, if not more. Every child is special, but Cosette was so much more to me than she could ever understand. I can’t even talk about it anymore - words will never suffice, & it just hurts to deeply.

I spent the last week in Greenville in a daze, stumbling through the necessary steps to get moved. Everyone kept asking if I was excited about going back home. They kept reminding me that it would be liberating, that I had so much to look forward to. It was a new beginning. But my enthusiasm about moving back to the city and the opportunities it would bring was dulled by depression. I knew it was the best decision. There wasn’t enough to keep me in Greenville, yet there was so much to leave.

Around 10:30 a.m. on Wednesday, I shut the door to our home for the final time, leaving everything I had known, every bit of stability my life had, every shred of hope for a happy ending. It was over, and a new chapter would now begin.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Epiphanies




Note: Original Post edited.

-SNIP- That night, I came to the cold realization that Chip was no longer the man I fell in love with. -SNIP- I have never been that close to suicidal – it was just too much. I just kept telling myself to hang on through the night, who would take care of the cats & Rite, that my brother and sister needed me, I had to be strong for them.

I was hurt beyond belief and could not believe how callous he was. I felt stupid for being hopeful this relationship was worth saving. I was angry with him for not our relationship even a half-assed effort, for not discussing whatever issues he was having before it got to the point he wanted out, for not having the courtesy to even give me a reasonable explanation for breaking it off.

I was angry with myself for believing it would be different this time around. I had obviously given my heart to a man who had no clue how to make a long term relationship work, who had a complete inability to deal with his emotions, who so easily gave up on what should have been a great love. I had always thought happily ever after was bullshit – until I met him. I had to overcome my own emotional obstacles to be with him, so why couldn’t he?

Because he is a Commitmentphobe, with a capital muthafuckin’ C. I was gaining some objectivity and saw the whole pattern of slowly growing closer and his sudden exit once we started making real progress so clearly. He had done it so many times, and I should’ve realized sooner that he wouldn’t or couldn’t change. I was too focused on the potential of our relationship and what could’ve been if he would get over his fear of commitment, ignoring what it actually was. “Us” was really “Him” - his problems, his issues, his schedule, his timetable for commitment, and what I would do to compromise. I was never in a hurry to get married, so I was understanding and patient when it came to moving forward. In hindsight, I was too complacent and had settled for less than what I deserved.

The weekend before I left, he announced to his daughter that I was moving out. He told her that we were breaking up because he couldn’t marry me and felt it was unfair to keep me in a relationship that couldn’t progress. This was probably the closest to a true explanation I’d ever get from him, although he should have said “wouldn’t marry me”, not “couldn’t”.

His inability to make a full commitment to me had nothing to do with whether we were meant for each other. We were best friends, we had great chemistry & attraction, our passion for each other remained strong even after years of being together, we had shared goals and visions of the future. We were so compatible it was downright scary. More than once, friends and acquaintances commented that they envied what we had. When we were first together, he said he should have married me before he married his ex. I laughed, telling him that was silly, he didn’t even know me back then. “It doesn’t matter, I should have, I should have searched you out, you’re everything I dreamed of,” was his answer. He was right. He should have married me years ago, but he was incapable.

I had been debating whether to stay in Greenville or move back home to Pittsburgh since he broke it off. With depression overwhelming me, I was unable to make a decision. I waited for an epiphany to show me what to do, and - SNIP- that night, I got it. I needed to get away from him - he was not good for me and it was too difficult for me to say no when he wanted to pop back into my life. I needed distance, and the change of scenery might help me move on.





Sunday, June 03, 2007

A Break from Storytelling, Cut to Ranting

So I get a MySpace message from Chip, asking me how to add his band’s music samples to his profile. It’s gig season & they’re trying to get some viral marketing on. I answer his message and check out his profile. I see that he’s taken the time to update it. His new byline was “Nascent Independence”. Oh yeah, his “new independence”. As if I was his fucking ball and chain. I always encouraged his outside interests. I was enthusiastic about his music - it was his passion, it made him happy. I savored how elated he was after a good show. I went to almost every gig, cheering him on. I was understanding about his career, listening to him kvetch when he was stressed, supporting him if he needed to take on extra hours, going to functions with him, helping him with brochures and sales ideas and his resume. Whatever it was, I was never a drag, trying to control him. So what the fuck was “Nascent Independence” supposed to mean? Was I the ball and chain to him? I dreaded the thought that the feelings of suffocation that an ex had given me was how I made Chip feel.

Christ all frighty Dana, get ahold of yourself. It’s a frickin’ byline. Why was I so sensitive about this crap anyway? I needed to learn to let things just roll off without affecting me, but I remained overly sensitive to what other people thought of me or said about me. Why should I care what he thinks? Yeah yeah, it’s his loss and all that.
Let’s face it, it could be much worse. He could be blogging about the most intimate details of our relationship. Now that would be shitty. Fine. I try and stop obsessing now. Oh, did he get that nascent shit out of a goddamn thesaurus? No really, I’ll shut up now.

Friday, June 01, 2007

Reality Slaps Me In the Face

After asking me to move out, Chip slept on the couch or in Cosette’s room except for a few nights. I would lay awake for hours, listening to him snore, wanting so badly for him to come and hold me. When sleep finally came, I would awake frequently, filled with dread at the thought of losing him, Cosette, Rite, my hopes and dreams.

I couldn’t believe that he was doing this to me- how in the hell could he possibly not love me anymore? How could he want to end this? I just didn’t get it - although we had our issues, it hardly irreconcilable. Every couple goes through hard times. I tried to talk to him, but for the most part he refused, saying it was pointless and acting as though I didn't deserve an explanation after nearly 5 years of being together. When he did talk, he was defensive and cold, and would give a multitude of reasons, none of which made much sense. It was everything from a repeat of the original ranting, or he didn't want to be responsible for me (like I was a child who needed raising, not a grown woman who had lived alone since turning 18), or he just didn’t want to give it the effort because he had to concentrate on work.

The same week Chip asked me to move out, I spent almost $900.00 on car repairs. My savings and small tax refund were wiped out, and I explained to Chip that I was now broke and needed some time to save up for an apartment. I needed about month and a half to move. He countered by belittling me for not having more money put aside and for doing "unnecessary" repairs to my car. I had only been back to full time work and out of school for about 7 months, and was making a meager junior level salary. I thought I was doing pretty well to have enough saved to pay for the repairs. I also knew from past experience that the repairs were not “unnecessary”. His friend had told me that when I mentioned the work that needed to be done, so I knew immediately that he was influencing Chip. It was ridiculous anyway – Chip was frequently broke even though he made three times more than me, but this was conveniently forgotten.

About three weeks later, I went to Pittsburgh for a long weekend with my brother. James was visiting for the last time before leaving for military duty in Germany. When I arrived back in Greenville late Monday night, Chip was asleep in our bed. I didn’t wake him and curled up tightly on the opposite side, careful not to touch him even though I wanted to. He got up to use the bathroom and I figured he wouldn’t get back in bed with me, but he did. My back turned towards him, I heard him roll over to face me. He sighed heavily a few times, and then, to my disappointment, returned to the couch. Shortly after, I decided I just couldn’t stand the loneliness anymore. I hoped a few days away would get him to think it over and have a change of heart. I got up and asked him to come back to bed. I would’ve been perfectly content with just a snuggle, but we made love for the first time in ages.

The next morning, another bomb dropped. I found a notice from the post office on the kitchen counter. There was a registered letter waiting for me from Chip. There was no need for me to retrieve it – I already knew what it was. I wanted to vomit.

Half an hour later, I was at the post office, signing for my eviction notice. It was merely a typed letter, stating if I did not vacate in 30 days, he would file official court papers. Obviously our lovemaking was merely fucking in his eyes. How could you blatantly use someone whom you supposedly had respect for, whom you supposedly loved so much? When I confronted him, he said that he sent it because I "hadn't done shit about moving out," and that “all it did was give me a time frame.” Apparently I was supposed to be showing him financial statements and report on my savings progress. What the fuck ever.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Stepparenting Ain't Easy

In February, Chip’s license had been suspended for letting his insurance lapse. During this time, I picked up Cosette three to four nights per week, plus made the hour and 15 minute round trip to take her to school in the morning. The previous week, I was unable to pick her up for her usual Wednesday visitation because I worked until well after 10:00 p.m. We had a major project deadline at work and I had put in two consecutive 70 hour weeks. I had asked several times if we would keep her Friday to make up for Wednesday, but Chip never answered. I told him that I would prefer to have some time to myself that Saturday afternoon to unwind, as I was exhausted and stressed after the long hours at work. Chip could’ve still kept her Friday night and made arrangements for her care on Saturday afternoon, or he could have told me that I was being a selfish bitch and it was important for me to keep her. Instead, he used it as his way out. He ignored the fact that I frequently watched her on the weekends since I was off and he was working; that I always made sure we had plenty of fun activities planned so she wouldn’t be stuck in front of a TV all day; that because he couldn't be bothered, I had taken it upon myself to track every minute we kept her on a special calendar just in case we ever needed it for the future; that he and his family had always been complimentary about how good I was to Cosette and how great it was that I was a part of her life; that I loved her as much as if she were my own daughter; that I was happily involved with her life and well being. He ignored all of it and accused me of not giving a shit about her.

Granted, Cosette and I both had a few adjustment issues once I moved in, but those were ironing themselves out and were not nearly as bad as they could’ve been in the first place. I was ill prepared for the stepmother role and Chip provided no support, but I was trying my hardest to make it work.

Cosette had been asking for years when would we get married and when would I move in and could we do it now? She was very excited when she found out that I was in fact moving in. Unfortunately, Chip never had a proper conversation with Cosette about it, instead telling her in the car on the way back to the house the weekend that it took place. After a few weeks, her adjustment issues began to show – she started testing my authority, albeit in minor ways, and her jealousy over her father flared. Instead of talking to Cosette about her concerns and fears, Chip ignored the situation entirely and some of his actions made it worse. Cosette is an extremely well behaved, unselfish, and genuinely caring child. He had always been fairly strict with her, but grew increasingly lenient. It got to the point that he barely disciplined her at all and would not back me up if I did so. The role of disciplinarian was not one I should have had to take in the first place. It was getting to the point of Cosette controlling the house. All the while, he was subtly pushing me to the side, creating an “us against her” mentality in the home and making me feel like an outsider. I pictured us becoming a happy family, but instead I was a third wheel.

The crisis reached a boiling point and we ended up seeing my therapist. I had gone to her after Mum’s death but had not seen her since the previous spring. She talked to him about how he needed to include me fully, that it needed to be the three of us together, how he needed to confront Cosette’s adjustment issues head on and get her to open up. She assured him that having a “blended” family could work and that Cosette would come to terms with it if we handled it properly. She also suggested I try stepping back from the disciplinary role and be less direct and harsh. I admittedly had been stricter with Cosette than in the past, and felt horrible once I realized it. I was taking out my frustrations with the situation on her. I tried to discuss my frustrations with Chip, but once again I was shut out.

My therapist offered to see us for a few more sessions, hopeful that would be enough to get us on the right track. I broached meeting with her again to Chip a few times, but there was always an excuse or schedule conflict. In the meantime, Cosette was improving on her own, while the bond between Chip and I continued to break.

Monday, May 28, 2007

History Repeats Itself

We moved into the house in late December. Shortly after, everything changed. Chip became increasingly distant. Our sex life, which had never been an issue, was nearly nonexistent and lackluster. We never went out together, we never talked. We had never been the type to bicker, but he was sullen most of the time and snapped at me frequently. One thing I always appreciated about Chip was after all the years we'd been together, he never forgot to do the little things men generally stop doing once they’ve won you over. He always told me he loved me and complimented me frequently, he brought coffee to my bedside every morning, and he would take every opportunity to show affection. One day he just stopped.

I tried to talk to him about it several times, but he just shut me out and made excuses about how he was just being a typical inconsiderate man. I grew very depressed, wondering if my worst fears about romance dying once you move in or get married were true. I don't know why it never occurred to me that he was about to run again. I had been lulled into a false sense of security, believing that since he had asked me to move in, his commitment issues were solved.
One Monday night in March, Chip came to bed and announced he was sleeping in his daughter Cosette's room, and that I needed to move out. He accused me of not understanding how important his relationship with Cosette was since I didn’t want to keep her the previous Saturday afternoon. He said I didn’t care about her as much as I portrayed and that I was a failure as a stepmother. He also mentioned a bunch of crap about how "my stuff was in the house" and my cats were annoying and "nothing was his anymore". I was absolutely shaken. How in the fuck did we end up here again?

Friday, May 25, 2007

I Thought We Were There

It was August of 2006. Chip and were on a trip to Pittsburgh, visiting my family and enjoying the city.

One night we were having cocktails at a jazz club downtown, and Chip began bandying about the idea of me moving in, as he had several times over the last few months. I had graduated college in June, and had planned on moving out of my roommates’ house within a month. I was considering breaking it off with Chip if he hadn't asked me to move in by then. While I understood his commitment timetable would be long and drawn out since he had been freshly separated when we began dating, we had been together nearly four years at this point. There comes a time when it's shit or get off the pot. He finally asked me to move in that night.

The following weekend, I moved into his downtown apartment. We were right on Park Avenue, just a few blocks from the restaurants and nightlife on Main Street. I had never truly loved living in Greenville, but this was the happiest I had ever been there. Living downtown was wonderful - we took frequent walks with Rite, the greyhound we adopted in June, and we were able to be spontaneous about going out, as everything was within walking distance.

The previous summer, Chip had broken up with me. One Friday night, he abruptly walked out seconds after he arrived to pick me up, saying he “just couldn’t do this anymore”. I was absolutely devastated. A few weeks later, my mothers’ cancer battle took a turn for the worse, and she passed away after five weeks in the hospital. Chip and I began talking again during this time and eventually began dating again.

I swore up and down that if Chip ever wanted to get back together with me, I would insist he see a therapist about his emotional and relationship issues, and that he would need to make a full commitment to me. After Mum’s death, I was too emotionally unstable to lose someone else, and I just let him walk right back into my life. For the first few months, I was very uncomfortable. I expected him to walk out again at any moment, and I kept second guessing my decision to see him again. After a few months went by, Chip finally began to open up emotionally, he started talking about “we” instead of “me”, and he stopped creating a false sense of distance. Our relationship was the best it had ever been. I began to relax - we were moving forward, making progress, and I felt like I had the love I always wanted from him.

We stayed in the apartment downtown until December, after which we moved into a three bedroom house that Chip purchased as an investment. He had been selling real estate for the last 2 years or so, and we had a great opportunity to buy a house from his employer at a substantial discount. We had talked about investing in real estate for years, and now we were actually doing it. I had thought we would be doing it together, but at the last moment, Chip informed me I would not be on the mortgage. When I questioned him, he promised we would purchase the next home together, and we would only stay in the home a few months anyway. Then he slipped – “what if something were to happened to us?” I was upset but kept my mouth shut, ignoring the fact that his fears seemed to be returning.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Back to the City

On Wednesday, May 16th, I arrived in Pittsburgh - back home & out of the South. The drive took right at 10 hours - I had my 2 kitties and Rite in the car, which made the ride rather interesting.

I was worried I would be an emotional wreck on the way up. The weekend before, I was a bridesmaid in my friend Rebekah's wedding. It was a beautiful ceremony right on the beach in Emerald Isle, by far the coolest wedding I've ever been to, and I usually loathe weddings. But in my current emotional state, I was unable to enjoy it. I cried nearly the whole 6 hour drive to North Carolina & the whole way back, not to mention losing it shortly after the ceremony. I felt terrible about not being able to take part in the festivities, and I hated to just mope & feel sorry for myself, but no amount of alcohol would numb the hurt. I spent most of the ride home thinking about how this would be the last time I would see Cosette, the last few nights I would spend in SC, my last moments with a man I thought I'd be with forever. It was all coming to a close.

I didn't think about it on the way to Pitt. I just thought of getting there & starting anew. I didn't shed a tear until I came through the Fort Pitt tunnel & the city skyline appeared before me. Rite jumped up in the back seat & started smiling, & I was overcome with emotion. This wasn't just a vacation, this was my fresh start. My new life, so much different than the visions of the future I've held dear for so long.

I will be blogging as frequently as possible for the next few weeks so everyone gets up to date, so stay tuned.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Update

I have not blogged in awhile because my whole life is literally falling apart. I will be posting more soon, but right now I need to keep everything on the down low. The only thing I can really share right now is that I recently visited with my brother before he shipped off to Ramstein Air Force Base in Germany. He found out less than 2 weeks after arriving that he will be deployed to Iraq for 6 months. He will be doing training in Mississippi & Kuwait for 2 or 3 months, then he'll be in Iraq working as prison security for 6 months. I'm so pissed off that we're still over there. I just hope he's okay.

I should be able to post an update in about 2 or 3 weeks. I'm sure it will be a post of record length, a lot has been happening. I may post before that if I think it's prudent.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Letter to the Elected Officials

I'm sending this letter to every Representative & Senator I can find an address for. You should too - history is about to repeat itself, & the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over & expecting to get the same result.

Dear _________________,

I am writing to you as a concerned citizen of the United States & a proud sister of an Airman. I am growing increasingly disturbed by the rhetoric of the President against Iran, the movement of carriers to the Persian Gulf, and the transparent disinterest of the Bush Administration in beginning diplomatic talks with the Iranian government. I am also troubled by the deafening silence on this topic by members of Congress.

It is also apparent that many of our elected officials are unable to legitimately debate the Iraq war, both with the Authorization of Military Force Against Iraq resolution of October 2002 or with the current non-binding resolution disapproving of the "surge" in Iraq. It also is apparent that we are about to repeat recent history with Iran. While I can almost forgive our representatives forgetting the lessons of the Gulf of Tonkin incident & Vietnam since this was ancient history (sarcasm intended), I cannot fathom forgetting the lessons of Iraq this soon.

Two carrier battle groups have moved into the Persian Gulf, and the USS Ronald Reagan is expected to join. The Administrations rhetoric against Iran sounds like a broken record with allegations of terrorist ties & WMD's, nevermind the fact that Iran was more than willing to help in defeating the Taliban & we have not yet proven the Iranian government is directly tied to the deaths of US soldiers. Bush & his Administration can claim they are not planning military action against Iran until they are blue in the face, but all evidence points to the contrary. Yet very few members of Congress seem to be voicing concerns - they are too busy debating about whether to debate Iraq.

The Bush Administration's dubious intelligence on Iran shows that about 8% of US troop deaths are the result of Iranian weapons & that there is no clear link to the Iranian government being directly involved. I will not bother with a long dissertation on the fact that the majority of the insurgents are actually receiving money and weapons from Saudi Arabia, and that intelligence also shows this can be directly tied to the recent downing of several Black Hawk helicopters. I will only say that I would strongly urge Congress to hold bona fide hearings on Iran. Not hearings that ignore real intelligence & rubber stamp whatever the President wants to do. A true grilling of the entire Bush Administration & every utterance of rhetoric must be held. The intelligence must be double, triple, & quadruple checked. And before we let President Bush go & play more games with our military, we must first use every diplomatic, economic, & political option available. There has been overwhelming evidence that the Iranian government has tried to reach out in the name of diplomacy numerous times. If the President won't listen, maybe Congress should.

Congress should also take action to nullify the authority given to Bush in 2001 with the Authorization for Use of Military Force resolution & the Military Force Against Iraq resolution previously mentioned. The President was granted powers that were entirely too broad with these measures. The President of the United States is neither a King or Dictator, & he should not be permitted to act as such.

If the facts can show that military conflict with Iran is necessary & unavoidable, then America has every right to defend itself. But we must realize that war with Iran will make Iraq look like child's play. Military action should be an absolute last resort - not a 2nd, or 3rd, nor a 9th or 10th. While Iraq issue must be dealt with & dealt with quickly, we must also take steps now to prevent war with Iran & get true diplomacy under way. I repeat, we must take these steps now, before Bush decides to force military action against Iran. The American public is expecting our Congress to act on this impending crisis. Please do not continue to disappoint us.

Thank you,

Dana Grueser

Monday, February 12, 2007

Cooking the Intel, Part Two

Using a brilliant PowerPoint presentation, the U.S. came out Sunday & claimed once again that the Iranian government is helping insurgent groups in Iraq kill our troops. There is a lot of disagreement on how strong the actual evidence is, and unfortunately, the Bush Administration has become like a cheating lover - once they betray your trust, you can never really believe them again. The New York times said in it's article that "the officials said such an assertion was an inference based on general intelligence assessments." The NIE stated in it's report on February 2nd that Iran is “not likely to be a major driver of violence." But of course everyone will only see the Faux News-esque headline "Iran killing our troops!" Probably most telling is that General Pace had this to say: "We know that the explosively formed projectiles are manufactured in Iran. What i would not say is that the Iranian government, per se, knows about this."

People are stupid if they think we can bomb Iran & not have it turn out way worse than Iraq ever will. Don't forget that when the 9/11 attacks happened, the general public & our elected officials backed the Bush Administration's foreign policy without question. The people of Iran will probably follow suit & become completely radicalized against the U.S. if we attack them. If we want to turn the citizens of Iran against the US, our current rhetoric is a good way to do so. Our best bet is diplomacy, and quickly. Bush claims he wants to solve the current situation diplomatically, but he has made no moves toward a diplomatic strategy thus far. Of course, the Bush administration had a chance of diplomacy with the less radical former president, but Cheney nixed that idea, & Condi can't seem to remember it.

The Ayatollahs in Iran have expressed displeasure with the radical rhetoric of Ahmadinejad, and the majority of Iranians are young and fairly liberal. Using this to our advantage should not be out of the question. However, if we want a replay of Iraq, where we've deepened hostility towards America & increased the terroristic threat, let's commence with another failed military solution.

Let's also step outside the United States of Amnesia for a moment & look at the possibility that the Iranian government is actually fueling attacks on US troops. The U.S. has consistently been one of, if not the largest, providers of weapons to foreign countries. In the past, we've provided weapons to Osama Bin Laden & Al Qaeda. We helped Saddam Hussein obtain power in Iraq & helped arm his military. We also provided weapons to Iran until just recently. So once again, we shot ourselves in the foot. Several intelligence officials & the Iraq Study group also pointed out that there are a larger number weapons from Jordan & Saudi Arabia in Iraq than Iran

It seems that it's perfectly acceptable for Bush & his Administration to threaten Iran & include it in an Axis of Evil, it's okay for him to make claims to the world about Iranian involvement in Iraq without adequate evidence, it's okay for him to give the okay to U.S. troops to capture & kill Iranians in Iraq without questions. But it is not okay if Iran doesn't fall in line with our "Great Leader. Our Christo-facism is perfectly acceptable, but Islamo-facism is not.

The American people have got to really pay attention this time. Gates himself said in regards to Iran that "I think there's some serial numbers, there may be some markings on some of the projectile fragments that we found". We think there may have been is not good enough reason to bomb another country. The Pentagon has revealed that in it's war games with Iran as an enemy, the outcome was always escalation with no end. Another headline that's been drowned out by the Iran hype is that Saudi Arabia has been implicated in arming the militias in Iraq as well. Get the Iraq Study Group report & look at page 29. But yet we're not talking about it - curious indeed. Cheney is hellbent on war, damn the consequences, & Bush follows him like a puppy dog. But they should have learned that manifest destiny will not work in the Middle East.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Rudy For President? Yeah right...

Looks like Rudy just pulled a Biden - announcing his campaign & making stupid enough comments to declare it DOA in the same breath.

Read on:
Giuliani Praises Bush's Iraq Policy, Foresight


His comment that "Presidents have to make decisions and move the country forward, and that's the kind of president that I would like to be, a president who makes decisions" makes me feel almost bad for him - he sounds like a small child who doesn't know any better & is merely looking up to an elder. Then again, Giuliani also had the wonderful idea of locating New York's emergency command center in the World Trade Center complex, which had already been bombed & was named a future terrorist target (read more here). Not exactly the brightest crayon in the box, that Rudy. Of course, the fact that the emergency command center was inaccessible on 9/11 allowed Giuliani to wander the streets of New York after the attacks looking important. America's Mayor indeed.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Let the Game of Over Analyzing & Over Polling Begin

Barack Obama made his announcement today that he'll be running for president. Although light on real policy stance, I thought the speech was great. It definitely got me more excited than listening to Hillary spin soundbites in her attempt to please everyone in the name of getting votes & campaign money (yawn). Barack made some important points about the current circus that is American politics - let's blame problems on everyone else & turn the talking points to the irrevelant so no one notices the big issues.

My glee at watching one of the best political speeches I've heard in years was quickly soured by the news coverage afterwards. All I heard about was how hard it will be to beat the "Clinton machine" & how Barack has a lot of catching up to do & Hillary this & Hillary that. Can we not talk about Obama without mentioning Hillary? In case no one has noticed, we have one year & 9 months until we vote for president, & the primaries are nearly a year away as well. I highly doubt that Barack is as doomed as the media portrays. I think he has more potential to win over the public than Hillary if he has the chance.

On MSNBC, Chris Matthews talked of how part of the Democrats problem is that they can't get Gen Xers out to vote, & he painted young voters as too lazy to crawl out of bed & go to the polls. Craig Crawford from Congressional Quarterly talked about how Obama may be too liberal to be electable & he needs to move to the center. Wrong & wrong again. Gen X & progressives in general don't get excited about voting because the Democratic party keeps feeding us Republican Lite candidates in a poor attempt at winning elections. And the very reason Obama is electable is because he is more liberal than Hillary - if he moves to the center, he's no different than any of the other schmucks. Hillary may have superior name recognition & tons of money, but her political posturing & traingulation does nothing for the true Democratic base, nor for the rest of the country. Bill Clinton did a fine job, but I think this country needs much more than Clintonian comprimise right now.

There is no better time for a truly progressive, different from politics as usual candidate. I believe that the American public sent that message loud & clear in the midterm elections. I also believe they sent that message when they failed to show up at the polls in the last two presidential elections. If you want voter turn out, give us a candidate that isn't just "the lesser of two evils". When Kerry ran for President, I wasn't excited about him. The only reason I voted for him was because I wanted Bush out of office. How many others who don't care about politics as much as I do just stayed home?

Most Americans from either party can agree - Iraq & the rest of the Middle East is a mess, & we need a change in policy; the current healthcare system isn't working for the majority of people; public education needs serious attention; corruption and partisinship in Washington is a major issue. The Republicans who've held office over the last several years have done nothing to fix these problems, and honestly, not many of the Democrats have either. It's time for someone who's 180 degrees from the same old shit. Will Obama fill the role, or will he move to the right because his campaign managers tell him to? Will the Democrats screw themselves once again? I guess will have another year & nine months to watch the circus & find out.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Feingold, My Hero

Yeah, he's a "liberal wacko", but I love him because of it. Finally, someone in D.C. calls out the Dems on their cowardice.

Watch the clip from Keith Olbermann last night. And call your local representatives!


Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Fair & Balanced My Arse

This pisses me off to no end. Bill O'Reilly, on the Faux News channel, had an interview with Charlie Rangle about support for the impeachment of President Bush. O'Reilly rants on about how dare the American public and Congress talk about impeaching a war time president & how we just need solutions. In his Talking Points before this segment, he states "impeachment talks are nonsense". And oh, lest we forget, no one is offering any solutions, & that's what we need, not impeachment. Yeah, I'm sure we're all troop haters too.

The most amusing part is that when Clinton was being impeached, O'Reilly was all for it. He said the impeachment "was not about sex. This is about honesty and cruelty. For Mr. Clinton, it was about undermining the justice system." Like Bush hasn't undermined the justice system, the constitution, etc, etc. So it's perfectly acceptable for us to impeach over a blow job, but we shouldn't even discuss it in the case of Bush.

The video clip is available on O'Reilly's home page:

http://www.foxnews.com/oreilly/index.htm

Sunday, January 21, 2007

My Apologies

Many of you who are regular visitors have read my "Just More Barbeque" post. This post has unfortunately upset several people whom I hold dear, and for that, I would like to apologize. Someone decided to anonymously mail this post to Chip's sister, Tracy. Upon reading it, she was rightfully upset, feeling humiliated.

My intentions with the "Just More Barbeque" post was not to portray Chip's family as a bunch of "Gomer Pyles", as Tracy put it, nor to give the impression that I hate children or look down upon those who have them. My comments about the baby shower in general was meant to be more of a reflection on my own discomfort at these types of events, not that I dislike babies or that I'm not happy for a new mother. My disparaging comments about the clientele at the restaurant were not in reference to his family. I guess I should have been more clear in my post that I was not attempting to poke fun at Chip’s family personally. I was attempting to illustrate that even after living here 11 years, I still have culture shock. Also, since I have no children of my own, and I swore I would never have children or a husband for most of my life, I have a difficult time relating to baby or wedding showers, or the joys of motherhood. I felt like I was an outsider, not only at the event itself but also in the venue in which it took place. My reaction to this, as faulty as it may have been, was to try to spin it with cynical humor. Those who are close to me know of my tendency to do this, & also my habit of covering my emotions with a "Dana the hard ass" front. Unfortunately, those of whom do not understand this tendency may be offended or hurt. I cannot blame them for feeling this way, and it is my fault that I was not more considerate in taking the time to review my writings & consider how they could be construed.

I have apologized to Tracy, but regrettably, the damage is done. I am banned from family functions now, & I have lost their trust. Tracy has gone out of her way to try & include me in their family, and I have appreciated it more than she will ever know. The fact that my post was so hurtful to her makes me feel horrible & shameful. With Mum gone and the majority of my family in Pittsburgh, Chip’s family had become my family. I guess my punishment will be spending holidays without company & feeling even more like an outsider without a home.

This will not be the first time my writings have got me in trouble. I got detention in the fourth grade for having a "slam book", I was sent to the principals office in 10th grade for writing a persuasive essay about why marijuana should be legalized, and I was grounded repeatedly by my parents for journal writings, just to name a few instances. Yet somehow I've never learned to censor myself. I guess it can be argued whether I should or not. In a conversation with my father today regarding the repercussions of this incident, his advice was not too repress my writings because I would in effect be lying, and that this censorship would cloud every bit of my creative expressions. On the other hand, he pointed out that being brutally honest means dealing with the consequences. Point well taken, yet I question my ability to shrug it off when a misunderstanding of my cynical & sarcastic view of the world unintentionally hurts someone.

As far as the anonymous mailer is concerned (segway into my usual brutal honesty & offensiveness shall commence), it doesn’t take the CIA to figure out who did this. All of the parties involved know who did, so you may as well not have bothered mailing it "anonymously". I am not placing blame on this person - it is not his/her fault that I wrote the piece, & it is not his/her fault that my words were hurtful. But for whomever mailed this post to stoop to sophomoric smear tactics is reprehensible.

Whoever you are, you have succeeded in causing me, Chip, & his family pain, so I’m sure you are pleased. What you fail to realize is that by mailing this post, you have also proven yourself to be unreasonable and selfish. Of course, you probably don't realize how low this incident makes you look, because you are not intelligent enough to see the bigger picture. You do not seem to realize that every time you do something like this, everyone talks about how childish you are. You should mind your own fucking business & quit trying to create drama where it would have been nonexistent. We are all adults and should behave as such, not as though we are still in middle school, passing gossipy notes to classmates. If you are unhappy with your own life, this is not my fault - your own actions have brought you to where you are today. So what is the point in causing everyone else to be upset & drag them into your insanity? So that you can continue to show how ridiculously immature you are? So that you can continue to make everyone question your erratic, absurd behavior? You have certainly succeeding in these respects, however, you will NOT succeed in making my life as miserable as yours. Maybe you should consider more productive ways to spend your time in the future. Of course, trying to get this point across to you can be likened to reasoning with a two year old, so I suppose I will stop wasting my breath.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Crazy Go Nuts

Yup, it's been 2 months and 6 days since I last posted. I'm a slacka, I know. Actually, it's been crazy go nuts in Dana - land. Over the last two months, I've been to San Antonio, Texas for my brother James's boot camp graduation; James also came home for the holidays, staying with us for a week; Chip & I moved into our first investment property the week after Christmas; 3 weeks before we moved, the landlord screwed up our internet connection, so I couldn't blog anyways; work has been crazy; and oh yeah, Chanukah & Christmas festivities too.

James did indeed make it through basic training for the Air Force. Watching his graduation brought bittersweet tears to my eyes - while I disagree with our current Administration & don't like the military industrial complex our armed forces have become, I am proud of my brother & excited about his future. He will be home again in March or April, & then he'll head off to Ramstein, Germany. Most likely, he will do a tour of duty in Iraq or somewhere nearby, but his permanent base will be in Germany for at least two years. I'm sure being overseas will be an eye opening experience for him.

This will be week four in our new home, & there are still boxes piled up in the garage. Hopefully the last few will be unpacked and/or shifted into a neater pile by the end of the week. Chip & I have been talking about investing in real estate for four years, & now our dream is finally reality. We plan on buying several more properties to flip over the next two years, & we will most likely stay in our current home until those are sold.

Time to feed the zoo & go to bed, so I'll sign off for now. I'll try to post again before another two months goes by.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Tales from the Animal Kingdom


Sure smells tasty!



I took this picure with my camera phone, so yes, it sucks, but I had to capture the moment. My kitty, Gabriel, has finally figured out that Rite isn't going to eat him. Gabriel has been very curious about Rite, but very cautious. He'll occasionally sniff Rite's tail or paws, but for the most part he's kept his distance . Well, after we returned from our evening walk this past Monday, Rite took his usual prone position on the living room floor. Gabriel immediately ran up & started sniffing all over him. I do mean all over - he crawled up on him to smell his torso, he sniffed his paws, and he even got right up in his face and was even sniffing his mouth. Rite just lay there the whole time, barely noticing. Gabriel continued his sniffing mission for at least 15 minutes, then he crouched next to him & stared for awhile. I can only imagine what was going through his mind as he looked inquistively at our 80 pound, 45 mile per hour couch potato. "Can I eat it? No, it's too big. Can I play with it? No, too big for that too..."

By the way, sorry to disappoint all you Kismet fans out there (yup, all 2 of you) with my lack of posts recently. Life has been quite busy - Chip & I are about to purchase our first investment property, work has been crazy go nuts, I've been volunteering for the Greyhound rescue group, & I've had another attack of the bird flu as well. Next week, I'm flying to San Antonio for Jimmy's boot camp graduation, so this should provide me with some blog fodder.

Stay tuned!

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

And he grows up and he grows up and he grows up...

Lil' bro James is off to be all he can be. Actually, I think that was an 80's Army slogan, not Air Force.

Two Fridays ago, James called me a few time in fairly quick succession, but I was knee deep in broken code at work & my project manager was looking over my shoulder, so I didn't answer. Finally, he sent me a "no really, this is actually an emergency..." text message. James was supposed to ship off for boot camp in December, but a week & a half ago, his recruiter called & said "hey, you wanna leave Monday? Yeah, really, like three days from now". One of the other recruits that was scheduled to leave this month missappeared, so James was offered his spot. He was pretty well set on going, but wanted my advice first. Of course, as much as I hated for him to leave so soon, I knew it was the best thing for him.

Of course my Jewish mother instincts are kicking in, & I'm worried sick about him. What if he doesn't make it through basic? What if he gets injured? What if the plane crashes on the way there? I'm sure he'll make it through, do very well, and that the plane won't crash. But I've never gone more than a few days without talking to my brother, and now we'll have nothing but infrequent letters for the next 7 weeks. After basic training, he'll go to tech school for 4 - 6 months, and after that, who knows which base he'll be on. So I had better get used to James being away.

My therapist once said that with Mum gone, I would need to take her role as the family matriarch, for my own emotional health & for the kids. After moving from Pennsylvania to South Carolina, Mum became the anchor of our odd blended family, and there has been a gaping hole left in the wake of her death. I've thought about the musings of my therapist a lot over the last few months. With James growing up & leaving the nest, and Jade turning into Miss Hormonal I Hate Everything Preteen, I am at a total loss as to how to be the family anchor. I'm barely used to Mum's absence, and now I have to deal with James being away as well. With the age differences between us, I've always been like a 2nd mom to James & Jade, so it warms my heart when they look to me for guidance, but it's hard to watch them face life's trials and grow up.

As difficult as it's been to let James go off into the big, bad world & lead his own adult life, I'm excited about the opportunities for my brother. I hope that he finds success & fulfillment, and most importantly, I hope he doesn't make the same mistakes his big sis' did.

P.S. If you can figure out the obscure movie reference above, you get an A.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Cat & Dogs & Boyfriends, Oh My!

Yeah, yeah, I haven't blogged in awhile. I've been super busy with work & moving over the last few weeks. After four years of being the super duper commitment phobic couple, I moved in with Chip about two weeks ago. Not only is this a merging of furniture, it's a merging of pets. We've got quite the zoo over here.

I brought Bear & Gabriel over first, figuring I'd let them settle in with Rite before I brought Wes over. Wes is an alley cat I rescued a few years back - someone abandoned him, and he ended up hanging out on my patio. For 2 months, he stayed there, with me refusing to feed him or take him in. As sorry as I felt for him, I knew taking in another cat was not a good idea. I tried to find a home through the local rescue groups, no kill shelters, friends & coworkers. Of course, with him already being about a year old, no one wanted him - everyone wants the cute kitten. Finally, an ice storm hit, & Wes was sitting on my patio with ice hanging off his whiskers. Of course, I couldn't leave him outside to freeze.

Unfortunately, Wes wasn't neutered when I found him, & he was aggressive towards Bear & Gabriel. At one point, he left a 3 inch long gash on Bear's abdomen that required antibiotics. After he was neutered, he calmed down considerably, even making friends with my Mum's cats while he was there for a few months during my transisition into academic life. Bear & Gabriel have never forgotten though, so I've always kept him seperated from them, either in his own room or outside. It's not the best situation for him, but I figure it's better than the dangers of alley cat life.

Rite came to us pretested for kitty friendliness = some Greyhounds have very high prey drives & cannot be around small dogs or cats. Rite had four kitties in his foster home, and has even made friends with some cats around the neighborhood. I was more worried about how the kitties woud react to Rite then his reaction towards them. Gabriel is a very shy kitty & easily stressed, so I fully expected him to hide under the bed for at least a month once he realized there was an 85 pound dog in the house. To my amazement, he was even more brave than Bear. The first night, we put up baby gates and set them up with their own "safe area". The next day, I put Rite in his crate & let them explore the rest of the house, so they could get used to Rite without feeling threatened. Gabriel was the first one to venture near the crate - he carefully creeped across the living room, tip toeing like a panther about to sneak up on prey, and stuck his nose in the crate to get a good wiff of Rite.

Bear, Gabriel, & Rite have been living in harmony ever since. Bear quickly claimed her spot as Alpha of the house, as usual. Rite cowers if she hisses at him. They're still getting used to living with a dog, but every day they get closer to their normal routine. Gabriel still hasn't curled up in bed with me yet (Rite sleeps next to the bed), but I'm hoping he will soon. He has enjoyed sneaking up on Rite while he's sleeping & sniffing his paws or his nose, or just watching him - he is definitely the curious cat.

Wes is coming home this week, but I've been trying to find him another home. Wes has never received the attention he deserves, & I know that he'll receive even less now. Two cats & a dog is enough of a zoo, & adding a kitty that has to be kept away from the other cats will be a struggle. Unfortunately, I've faced the same problem I had when I first found him - it's about impossible to find an adult cat a home. As much as I hate to give him up, I know it would be better for him to have a home where he could get more affection. The Humane Society is not an option though, since I know he'd probably end up being put down, so I'll keep him until a suitable home is available.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

My Summer Vacation

August was a family filled month for me. My sister, Meridith visited from Chicago for 4 days, and Chip & I took a trip to Pittsburgh to visit my Dad & Grandparents. I used up quite a few vacation days, but I really needed it.

Meridith & I had an absolute blast while she was here. We've always been very close, but we've rarely seen each other since I moved down South. Most of the time it's involved her getting married, so wedding plans have interfered with time to just hang out & relax. Meridith has dreamed of embarking on a real estate career for some time, and is considering relocating here to make it happen. I hope she can - I need another Yankee girl to hang out with. Poor Chip was probably in a state of shock & embarrassment most of the time she was here - my Southern bred boy is barely accustomed to me after 4 years of dating, much less two loud, foul-mouthed, gregarious Yankee girls at once. One night, we were even admonished for being too loud in a bar. Yes, you read that correctly, in a bar. Monday night is Jazz night at the Handlebar, one block from Chip's apartment. Shortly after ordering our second round of drinks, our server told us that we needed to keep it down. "Are you fucking kidding me?!”, I questioned. Turns out the boss man was sitting at the table behind us & thought we might be disturbing people who actually wanted to listen to the music. While attempting to affect a prim Charlestonian accent, Meridith called several friends to tell them we had not been acting like proper, demure Southern ladies.

Speaking of culture shock, our trip to Pittsburgh was Chip's first adventure above the Mason Dixon line, and the first time he's been to a "bee-ig ci - tee". As we crossed the Penna border, I could feel my heart quicken with excitement. As much as I love Southern weather & the low cost of living, I'll never feel completely at home. I miss the Northeast - except for the cold, snowy winters, that is.

Pittsburgh driving was a big shock for Chip. He’s always commented about how I drive like an asshole, & he used to cover his face whenever I beeped at someone. It's considered rude to use your horn down here, so when Chip heard horns blaring & people yelling out the window at other drivers, he was bug eyed. He also found the total disregard for posted speed limits amusing. In contrast, South Carolina actually has minimum speeds posted on the interstates.

Dad wanted to see his new grandson, so we brought Rite with us. Greyhounds are aptly nicknamed the 45 mile per hour couch potatoes, but Rite does enjoy a half speed round of laps around the house in the morning & early evening. Well, somehow he caught a stray thread from the carpet in one of his back claws and ripped the claw completely out of the nail canal. Rite was unfazed & just kept playing, splattering blood everywhere. Greyhounds are generally very healthy, but they have a few idiosyncrasies, one of which is a predisposition to hemophilia. The rescue groups will tell you to find a vet with Greyhound experience to be on the safe side. Luckily, we found a vet that had experience with Greyhounds about 10 minutes away. She patched him up with styptic powder, antibiotics, and a big wrapped bandage. Chip & I were thinking how lucky we were to escape with a $25.00 bill – we figured we would be in for at least $100. About halfway back to Dad’s apartment, we noticed Rite was bleeding through the bandage. Back to the vet we went. She patched him up again & told us she would be open until 8:00 if it happened again. Sure enough, at about 5:00, Rite started bleeding. We called the vet back, & were told she was now totally booked and that we’d have to take him to the emergency vet. So much for keeping the vet bill low.

We ended up spending over four hours at the vet’s office. During our wait, I discovered something – Ewoks are real animals. Shortly after we arrived, a woman came in with her pet, and I swear it was an Ewok. The receptionist tells her that all animals must be kept on a leash or in a carrier. With her nose in the air, the woman says that her dog doesn’t belong on a leash, she’ll just hold him. She carried him around like a baby the entire four hours that we were there, and she was still carrying him when we left. This also proves my theory that it was an Ewok, not a dog – I don’t know too many dogs that will be perfectly still & silent for that long. At one point, she walked by Rite & petted him, making comments about how “maybe your Mommy & Daddy should pay you more attention, that’s why you want me to pet you.” Sorry lady. I probably have one of the most spoiled dogs in the world, but since he weighs 85 pounds, I can’t carry him.

So after $320 & an overnight stay, Rite’s wound finally clotted, and we were able to bring him home. Thankfully, the claw fiasco didn’t put too much of a damper on our fun – we went to a few clubs, rode the Incline for some great views of the city, & Dad took us on an all day walking tour of downtown. We had planned on driving to Greenville, PA (otherwise known as BFE) to visit my Grandmother on Tuesday, but because of Rite’s injury, we had to go Thursday instead. This ended up putting us several hours behind schedule to begin the journey back to Greenville, SC, but we didn’t think it would be a big deal. Well, there was a huge wreck involving a semi right on the West Virginia/Virginia border. We ended up stuck for nearly 3 hours. By the way, there are some scary people in West Virginia. We stopped for Wendy’s at one point, and I overheard a husband (with a bad mullet) and his wife (with a bad scrungie) joking around, and he said to her “don’t chu be sai-yin’ that no mo’, or I’ll kut – cha.” Yup, dude just threatened to cut his wife. We didn’t get back to SC until nearly 4 a.m., and poor Chip had to work the next day.

I took a crapload of pictures while on vacation, but unfortunately, due to a combination of camera issues & operator error, most of them came out like garbage. I’m going to try & rescue a few with some Photoshop magic, and I’ll post them once I’m done. I was hoping to have some fantastic photos that would be frame worthy, but no such luck. Unfortunately, I still use a film SLR. It may be time to spend some gelt on a new digital SLR.

I know with the dog emergency & traffic delays, it seems like the trip sucked, but I had a great time. We’re planning on another trip up next summer, and I can’t wait.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Furbabies


Caught you napping! Bear, my 17 year old Russian Blue, & Gabriel, my 6 year old Birman.


Bear strikes a pose.


A bad picture of me, but a good picture of Rite.


Walking the dog.