Monday, April 13, 2009

Bitchy Pregnant Chick Vent

Seven weeks to go. I'm well into my third trimester & well into being crabbier than ever. So let the venting begin. (Yup, I'm about to piss off a bunch of people)

Pregnancy means my stomach is smushed to half its normal size, so therefore I have horrible acid reflux despite strong prescription drugs. It's so bad I regularly wake up choking on my own puke. Every time I eat I get at least a little sick, & needless to say I'm eating a LOT right now. Don't ask me if I've tried Tums. Do you think I'm fucking stupid or I've never left the house or something? I've heard of the Tums, I go through a bottle every few days on top of the Nexium. I know you mean well, but whatever.

Pregnancy means I'm carrying around an 35 pounds & therefore my inner thighs are fighting an all out war for the same space & my hips have spread an extra 10 inches in circumference. All I can muster is a slow shuffle/waddle right now. I'm so slow I annoy myself. Seriously, I've got places to go & stuff to do, walking at a normal speed would really make my day. Speaking of 35 extra pounds, about three weeks ago I realized that my "hot" pair of maternity jeans are too tight. As in I can't get them past mid-thigh. I've outgrown maternity jeans, do you understand what this means? Don't tell me how "cute" I am, I may throat punch you if it's a low self esteem/extra swelling day. Sexy, glowy fertility mama, yes, but "cute", fuck off.

Pregnancy makes you tired. On top of normal pregnancy energy drain, third trimester means I cannot find a comfortable sleeping position, plus the whole acid reflux thing I mentioned earlier, plus my son likes to disco dance in my ute between the hours of 3:00 - 6:00 a.m. I've also worked overtime 35 out of the last 37 weeks. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT make a single demand of my time right now. And if you must ask me to do something or pencil you in, don't get all pissy with me if I can't do it. I haven't called or emailed in awhile? Sorry, I haven't forgot you, but the phone works both ways & you may need to make more of the effort right now. I feel terrible if I don't call and visit family & friends often, but it's all I can do to keep up with work & home right now, & I don't need you adding to my guilt trip.

/Vent - for now. Next venting topic - judgmental people that should really install a brain to mouth filtering device.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Watch Me Grow

Oh what a differnce 9 weeks makes.

18 week bump:



27 week bump:





I feel pretty freaking huge. In reality, I know I may not actually be the fat ass I think I am, but I never thought I would see numbers like this on the scale. I feel guilty for even caring - intellectually, I know that pregnancy = weight gain. I realized that when the plus sign came up on the test (all 5 of them), when my belly started rounding in the 1st trimester, when I started going back for seconds and thirds at every meal. Including dessert. But it's different when it actually happens. I thought I would feel womanly & glowly throughout my pregnancy, but most of the time I feel like a waddling cow.

Good news is I actually like this picture. Chip took it right before we headed out for a much deserved date night. We had a great time - I'm lucky to have him as a father & soon to be husband.

Gotta run for now. Ari has started kicking, which must mean it's time for ice cream.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Best Week Ever



Sunday: Steelers, fuck yeah!




Monday: 20 week ultrasound. We're having a boy! I'm officially halfway through my pregnancy too.



Tuesday: YES WE DID!

My first bragging point as a new parent is that my unborn son helped volunteer for Obama in the womb. Yup, destined to be a bleeding heart, tree hugging liberal just like Mum & Dad.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Knocked up...

Yup, been forever since I posted yet again. Here's what's going on with me:

4D Ultrasound pics showing baby @ 12 weeks:





Pictures of me taken last week - showing off my 18 week bump:



Next week we'll have another ultrasound & hopefully find out what if this baby is a he or she. Until then, I'll post more pregnancy hormone induced emotional rants. Enjoy!

Monday, November 10, 2008

Deep Thought

When Bush won stole both of his elections by hair, the conventional wisdom is he has a mandate and tons of political capital.

When Obama wins by an electoral and popular vote landslide, he'd better be real careful not to piss off any Republicans by being to "bold" or "actually trying to get anything done". Even though we just elected a man with the middle name Hussein who was painted as everything from a Nazi appeaser to a socialist, we're a "right of center" country. So Barack Obama the Democrat had better govern as a Republican.

I love the mainstream media.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Not Real Worried...

about John McCain this fall.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Reality Check Time

"Are you watching the idiots on CNN?"

This is the text message I received from my BFF Brook on April 22nd, the day of the Pennsylvania primary. I called her to find out what the fuss was about, as I was glued to MSNBC. Brook was pretty pissed - exit polls were showing Hillary supporters were saying they wouldn't vote for Obama in the fall, & would vote for McCain instead. At smaller portion of Obama supporters were saying the same thing.

Disclaimer time - Brook is a Clinton supporter. I'm an Obama supporter. But as much as Brook prefers Hillary, she thought this defection to McCain was pretty ridiculous. Of course she would vote for Obama if he won the nomination, she stated, Clinton & Obama are so close in positions anyway, & McCain is not. What are these people thinking?, she wondered.

I felt the same way. If Obama lost the nomination, I would be horribly disappointed. I'd probably even cry. But I'm not an idiot - I'm pissed about a lot of the things the Clintons & their campaign have done, but I would pull the lever for her a million times over in November.

Brook & I are life long, committed Democrats. She & I may disagree on who would be the better president, but we understand that even if our preferred candidate doesn't win the nomination, the most important thing is saving this country from Bush's third term.

So today I wandered over to No Quarter, a pro - Hillary blog. I'm not even going to link to it because the comments section of each post were so disgusting I don't want to advertise it. I know that some Obama supporters have said they will not vote for Clinton, but it is statistically fewer than the opposite case. I've seen a few Obama supporters comment they would be hard pressed to vote for Clinton or state they would not under any circumstances, but not with the same rabid hatred as the Clinton supporters on No Quarter (or on Taylor Marsh or several others for that matter). There's even a link floating around for a petition against voting for Obama in the fall, & people threatening to riot at the convention. I'm really concerned about this & feel it's time for a reality check for my fellow Dems.

Unless Obama comes out & admits that he & Rev. Wright were plotting with Al Qaeda to kill puppies & enslave the white race, or something equally ridiculous, Obama is our nominee. Clinton cannot catch up in mathematical terms by the end of the primaries. He is ahead in total delegates, which includes pledged & super. Speaking of superdelegates, by some counts he's ahead now, by others he is within 4 of Clinton. He is ahead in the popular vote. Let me state that again - he is ahead in the popular vote, by a lot. I know the Clinton camp is floating the theory that the popular vote is close. If you count Michigan (in which Obama does not get any popular vote) & Florida, & then throw out Iowa, Nevada, Washington & Maine (these states do not track the popular vote), he is still ahead by over 100,000. So the only way the popular vote is even close is to throw out four states & include one where he received no votes. You can check out the numbers at Real Clear Politics if you don't believe me - by any metric, he is currently ahead by anywhere from 113,498 - 846,801 . The popular vote metric is one that the Clinton camp likes to use, but it is not accurate since 4 states do not track it. More importantly, that is not how our nominee is chosen. The person ahead in total delegates, and/or who reaches the magic 2,025 number, is the nominee. The Clinton camp seemed to be okay the with the rules before their candidate started losing. And I've heard the argument from her surrogates & her camp that she has a broader base of supporters (white people), so she's the better candidate. I hate to bring up facts again, but if Obama's base is so small, why has he won more states, more delegates, & more popular vote? Each candidate obviously has their base, but enough already. Each candidate will have an uphill battle with certain demographic groups, but to claim Clinton is more electable in the general election when she hasn't won the primaries is circular reasoning. I really hate the whole "my base is better than your base" thing anyway.

Reality check time. By both the DNC rules & by Clinton's everchanging rules, Obama is winning, & their is really no way for Clinton to catch up to the math game. Obama is our presumptive nominee. I'm not saying Clinton should quit - I truly feel it is her right to stay in until the last primary, although she ought to be very careful to not be negative in interest of the Party. She needs to focus her attention on drawing contrasts with McCain if she stays in.

So for those of you who consider yourselves "true" Democrats, but are threatening to vote for McCain, get over it. No one "stole" this from Hillary, & the media and/or the DNC has not chosen Obama for us. People voted (a lot of them), superdelegates have pledged & she is about to lose the majority. I'm truly sorry your candidate lost - I know I would be upset if the situation was reversed. But again, get over it. Enough with the threats to the superdelegates, enough with the "he's a black militant Muslim" smears, enough with the "McCain is better than Obama" crap. If you truly believe McCain has better policies, fine, go vote for him. If you agree with Clinton though, I highly doubt you'll find McCain's views agreeable. I hate to break it to you, but Obama & Clinton are pretty close in political views. My Clinton supporting friend Brook understands that, & so do I. McCain has stated he'll appoint Supreme Court judges who oppose Roe v. Wade, he has intention of getting us out of Iraq, & his plans to fix health care & the economy are laughable. McCain may be painted as "a maverick" by the media, but he will continue the failed policies of the Bush administration. As a Democrat, are you okay with any of the above? Didn't think so.

So yes, each of our Democratic candidates have their flaws. You may prefer one or the other. You may think one or the other has a better base to win the general election. But, if you're a true Democrat, the most important thing is to unite - all Democrats of all demographics - and win the White House and the Congress in November. If all of us - long time Democrats & newbies alike - unite & show up to vote in November like we have in the primaries, we'll be unstoppable. That's what this is about - not Barack Obama, not Hillary Clinton. It's about you & me & our children & our childrens children & our blessed country. So everyone, Obama & Clinton supporters alike, get over it & get with it. Start spreading the word & getting out the vote. It's time to take this country back!

Monday, April 07, 2008

First Site is Live!

Exciting news! My first freelance gig is now a live site!

In collaboration with Web Edge Software, I helped develop the website for Western Pennsylvania Landscape Lighting last month. You can check it out here:

Western Pennsylvania Landscape Lighting

I completed the initial layout & overall design, the CSS, and the XHTML for the layout. Nick from Web Edge did the rest.

I'm working on two other projects right now & will provide links when they're completed. Gotta get back to work!

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Clinton: Not above stealing elections

For the most part, I've kept my opinions on the Democratic primary to myself as far as this blog is concerned. I've had my preferences throughout this way too long campaign, & admittedly Hillary Clinton has never been at the top of that list. I've held my tongue on this blog though, because I think it's so important to get a Democrat in the White House this year, whomever it is. Until very recently, I've felt that even if my preferred candidate doesn't win, any of the above would be a fantastic president & far better than any Republican. But the events of the last few weeks have got my blood boiling. It's time to speak up for the good of the country & good of the party, even if no one cares what some idiot with an addiction to politics has to say.

We are now in a three party race. No, I'm not talking about Nader - I'm referring to the Republicans, the Democrats, & the Clinton party. Many times I've questioned her campaign tactics during the course of this campaign, but since Super Tuesday, it has risen to a level that is completely unacceptable.

Now before you accuse me of whining because poor Obama is actually having to fight, that is not the point I'm about to make at all. Yes, he has to be tough for the general. Yes, he's got to learn to fight back, & he needs to do a better job than he has been. Karl Rove is now advising John McCain, so it's going to get ugly. However, this does not give Clinton permission to insult huge numbers of Democratic voters & the majority of the states that have voted thus far, to practically endorse McCain in an effort to "bloody" Obama, to minimize what his campaign has done for the party & for our chances at huge majorities in the next election, or to threaten to overturn the will of the people by superdelegates or even the pledged delegates. I will post more about the previous points in coming days, but right now I'm really pissed about this, from a just released Newsweek interview with Clinton:

How can you win the nomination when the math looks so bleak for you?

It doesn’t look bleak at all. I have a very close race with Senator Obama. There are elected delegates, caucus delegates and superdelegates, all for different reasons, and they’re all equal in their ability to cast their vote for whomever they choose. Even elected and caucus delegates are not required to stay with whomever they are pledged to. This is a very carefully constructed process that goes back years, and we’re going to follow the process.


Note the portion I've italicized. This is not the first time it's been floated by her campaign, & it's absolutely sickening. Hey, Senator Clinton, you are a Democrat still, right? You know that we can be a wee bit sensitive about stolen elections, right? Do you really think it's good for the party or the country if you win that way? Are we not supposed to be the party that is fighting for fair elections & counting the votes? Wake up. This nomination is not about you, Senator Clinton, it's about what's good for the country. And with tactics & threats like these, you are not.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Imagine

If all those red states could become blue...



Stay tuned, ranting about the primary coming up...

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Tolerance

One of my former coworkers, who worked on the original project at the Super Big Corporation Who Shall Remain Nameless with me, sent me a congratulatory email on the new gig today:

"I am, quite frankly, in awe of your bullshit tolerance abilities. They are clearly epic."

Hell yeah.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Too Busy Thinking About the Future to Give a F**k About the Present

A lot has been going on, & I haven't blogged about any of it! I promise to get everyone caught up this weekend.

The short of it is this:

A few weeks ago I accepted a permanent position w/ the ginormous company I've been whored out to since June. It's a promotion & a hefty pay raise, blah blah.

I went to SC for a week & a half over the holidays. Had a blast. Drank every night I was there, though I was not drunk every night. Well, maybe a little. I saw the sun too! It still exists!

Made New Years Resolutions, which I generally don't bother with. I'm not going to quit smoking, I eat fine, & I exercise. So what's the point? Well, this year, I decided to make some:

1. Drink more. I hadn't had a drop of alcohol in 2 months before going on vacation. This is uncalled for. This should also be a pretty easy resolution to keep.
2. Blog more. We'll see how this works out - not so good so far.
3. Start paying attention to how I dress & stop shopping like a guy. That means shopping as quickly as possible as infrequently as possible. I may be a geek, but I am a girl & should care about these sorts of things.

Other than that, I've been doing some emotional reflection, but that's another blog post. See Resolution #2.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Brrrrrrrr

The Northeast winter is kicking in. The high temp will be in the low 40's for the rest of the week, and there may be snow too. Now granted, it gets in the 40's once in awhile in South Carolina, but not this early, and only for a few days at a time.

After living in SC for 12 years, I've become rather cold intolerant, so after 2 days of the weather shifting towards something like winter, I'm ready to bail. Unfortunately, looks like I'll be stuck up here until May. Unless fans of the blog decide to contribute to the "Dana Needs to Relocate to a Warmer Climate" fund, that is...

Thursday, October 11, 2007

A Question I Would Like to Ask Clinton

Even though she likes to claim she'll end the war for sound bite worthy quotes, Clinton says she would keep troops in Iraq to combat terrorism. So, if we got into this war to supposedly fight terrorism, & we're staying there to fight terrorism (according to the neocons & Bush), how is her proposed policy any different? Just curious...

Monday, September 24, 2007

Officially a Spinster

So my Grandmother calls tonight "just to chat". She asks a lot of questions regarding my safety - like if I bring my phone when I walk Rite, am I careful where I walk him, do I make sure my doors are locked? Uhh, yeah, especially since I live blocks from the ghetto.

So we're finishing the conversation & she mentions that she is going to start calling more often just to check on me, because since I'm all by myself, something could happen, and no one would even know. Yup, I'm alone. Thanks for the reminder.

Hey, have you heard that one about the single cat lady who died in her apartment, & no one knew for a week, during which the cats ate her face? Hilarious story...

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

"I Don't Know"

I cannot believe this. I'm watching the news, listening to Petraeus give his spin about how successful the escalation is in Iraq & why we still need to be there. So Sen. John Warner (R) asks him if we're making America safer by continuing the war in Iraq, & Petraeus replies (after punting once & having to be asked again) "I don't know". Watch a video clip here.

You don't know? Are you kidding me? Isn't that the reason why my brother & all the other troops are over there? He could have at least given a Bushesque response - the whole "we've got to fight them over there so they don't follow us home" crap. How are the troops going to feel when they hear his response? Are you over there risking your lives to make our country safer? Hell if the head general knows.

I'm absolutely disgusted.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Furkids


Rite's new friends at Frick Park.


Big smile!


My boys.

Monday, August 13, 2007

My Dev Peeps




I finally got my most recent roll of film developed. This is from my last day at Level One. I miss my Level One people a lot. I've got some Photoshop work to do, after that I'll be posting some more pics of the furkids.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Cloudy with a Chance of Gloom

Mornings are the worst. It’s going to be another typical, overcast Pittsburgh day. Why is it worth getting out of bed? So I can pretend once again that I give two shits about my job? So I can annoy everyone with my irritability? So I can spend another day feeling down & lonely & wondering what the point of all this is? I hit the snooze until Rite nudges me. He needs walked, kitties need fed, bills have to be paid. Out of bed, face the dread.

The bus driver is about as cranky as I am. He sighs loudly and pounds the steering wheel as he navigates his way downtown. I try to tune out the other riders, most of which won’t sit next to me unless every other seat is full. I’m sure the dark cloud over my head makes me seem just a bit unapproachable. I turn up my iPod a bit, fighting back the tears. As I walk down 5th, I watch the people milling about, & I wonder if any of them are as despondent as I am.
He broke me, and I let him. As a teenager, I vowed to never let a man mean this much to me, to never let anyone have this much control over my emotions, to not be this vulnerable. Now I am one of those girls, those girls who is so heart broken over a worthless man that her life just stopped, who’s self esteem is crushed over a breakup, who spends hours wondering & wishing, who is just unhappy without her man. I hate this, it’s ridiculous.

I tell myself over & over to STOP LOVING HIM, LET IT GO. It doesn’t matter who he was, it’s what he’s turned into. It was a waste, a waste of nearly 5 years. His musings about marriage & the happiness & stolen moments & longing glances across the room & laughter & fantasies about till death do us part DO NOT MATTER. Let it go, move on. I’m in the city again, it’s time to start over, embrace the opportunity. But no, I’m one of those girls. And right now I just want to hide from the world & sleep. At least when sleep comes, peace comes with it. And in my dreams, we’re happy again.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Melancholy & the Infinite Sadness

As promised, now that I have my Macbook back, posting shall begin again.

I've been pretty slammed lately. At the end of June, I went back to work. I landed three month contract gig as a Front End Developer at an undisclosed corporation downtown. It will remain undisclosed because they're really tight on company info and I'm sure they wouldn't appreciate some contract chick saying a bunch of uncomplimentary shit about them on her blog. I imagine I could follow the "if you can't say anything nice..." rule. Whatever.

Let's just say I'm glad this job only lasts 3 months. The bigger the company, the more committees and corporate politics and red tape and bullshit there is to deal with. On top of that, it is the most poorly managed project I've ever encountered. The project manager who was hired along with us can't manage his way out of a box. Then somehow everyone figured out I actually know what the hell I"m doing, so my responsibilities have grown tremendously. This was supposed to be a slacka job for me, but now notsomuch.

As far as my general emotional outlook, it depends on the day. Most are clouded by pervasive melancholy. My best days I'm just down & cranky & don't particularly care to deal with day to day realities. My worst it's nearly impossible to drag myself out of bed, & I wonder if I'd have the motivation if it wasn't for the furkids. Sometimes Rite's smiling face & the kitties purring are all that keeps me going.

So do I like Pittsburgh or South Carolina better at this point? It's a hard question to answer. My personality fits better in a northeast metropolitan area than in a midsize Bible Belt town for sure. The job opportunities & pay are way better than in SC, there's more to do, etc. But I haven't established a social circle or real life outside day to day drudgery yet, and I still miss what I thought I had. I came here to heal my broken heart & shattered psyche, and I'm impatiently waiting for better days. Yeah, yeah, Time heals all wounds. Fuck the cliches yet again.

In other news, James shipped off for Iraq last week. He just finished training under the Army in Mississippi. Basically, since the Army is out of people since THEY"RE GETTING KILLED LEFT AND RIGHT (just a slight undertone of anger), their pulling Air Force people. James was supposed to be helping with convoys, which is where all the guys are getting killed by roadside bombs. They finally figured out after 5 years of this shit that it's too dangerous, so he'll just be doing police duty at a prison south of Baghdad. I"m not sure how often I'll hear from him over the next few months - he's not sure how readily available the phones & computers are. This has been very helpful for my depression, by the way.

Well, I will cease the whining now. More later...

Monday, July 23, 2007

Resuscitated

My Macbook was successfully released from the Apple hospital today. Poor baby was gone for over a week!

So I'll be posting by the end of the week. And it will be a long one, so get ready to exercise your reading skills. Hey, it's been a month, there's a lot to catch up on!

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Another Kind of Green

“I love you. You are so beautiful. Please just stay....”

And so went the musings of Chip as he slept, betraying his lucid convictions, illustrating how conflicted he was about what he had done. He was just as unable to let go as I was.

About a week after I announced I was moving to Pittsburgh, he began to sleep in our bed again. A part of me hoped he would make things right with me, but I knew deep down he wouldn’t. Every night, I would question whether to tell him to return to the couch. Maybe if I was tough, it would rattle him enough to make him change his ways. Even if it didn’t, should I let him sleep next to me if he wasn’t willing to fix this? But I was done fighting for us, fighting with him. After two months of sleep deprivation and tear filled nights, I just wanted to rest, and I needed the comfort of his embrace.

A few nights after he came back to bed, I asked him if he really wanted me to go. He replied that he thought “it was best”. In a way it was like he ended it all over again, but I already knew what his answer would be. It would’ve taken more than a “please stay” to keep me there. Maybe he knew that and he wasn’t ready; maybe he thought it was too late. I’ll never know what was going through his mind that last week, and it doesn’t really matter anymore.

Sunday, May 13th, was the last evening I spent with Cosette. Chip had broke the news to her on Friday while I was in North Carolina for a wedding. She handled it fairly well when he told her, but she got very upset that Sunday before bed. I cried over leaving Cosette at least as much as I cried over losing Chip, if not more. Every child is special, but Cosette was so much more to me than she could ever understand. I can’t even talk about it anymore - words will never suffice, & it just hurts to deeply.

I spent the last week in Greenville in a daze, stumbling through the necessary steps to get moved. Everyone kept asking if I was excited about going back home. They kept reminding me that it would be liberating, that I had so much to look forward to. It was a new beginning. But my enthusiasm about moving back to the city and the opportunities it would bring was dulled by depression. I knew it was the best decision. There wasn’t enough to keep me in Greenville, yet there was so much to leave.

Around 10:30 a.m. on Wednesday, I shut the door to our home for the final time, leaving everything I had known, every bit of stability my life had, every shred of hope for a happy ending. It was over, and a new chapter would now begin.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Epiphanies




Note: Original Post edited.

-SNIP- That night, I came to the cold realization that Chip was no longer the man I fell in love with. -SNIP- I have never been that close to suicidal – it was just too much. I just kept telling myself to hang on through the night, who would take care of the cats & Rite, that my brother and sister needed me, I had to be strong for them.

I was hurt beyond belief and could not believe how callous he was. I felt stupid for being hopeful this relationship was worth saving. I was angry with him for not our relationship even a half-assed effort, for not discussing whatever issues he was having before it got to the point he wanted out, for not having the courtesy to even give me a reasonable explanation for breaking it off.

I was angry with myself for believing it would be different this time around. I had obviously given my heart to a man who had no clue how to make a long term relationship work, who had a complete inability to deal with his emotions, who so easily gave up on what should have been a great love. I had always thought happily ever after was bullshit – until I met him. I had to overcome my own emotional obstacles to be with him, so why couldn’t he?

Because he is a Commitmentphobe, with a capital muthafuckin’ C. I was gaining some objectivity and saw the whole pattern of slowly growing closer and his sudden exit once we started making real progress so clearly. He had done it so many times, and I should’ve realized sooner that he wouldn’t or couldn’t change. I was too focused on the potential of our relationship and what could’ve been if he would get over his fear of commitment, ignoring what it actually was. “Us” was really “Him” - his problems, his issues, his schedule, his timetable for commitment, and what I would do to compromise. I was never in a hurry to get married, so I was understanding and patient when it came to moving forward. In hindsight, I was too complacent and had settled for less than what I deserved.

The weekend before I left, he announced to his daughter that I was moving out. He told her that we were breaking up because he couldn’t marry me and felt it was unfair to keep me in a relationship that couldn’t progress. This was probably the closest to a true explanation I’d ever get from him, although he should have said “wouldn’t marry me”, not “couldn’t”.

His inability to make a full commitment to me had nothing to do with whether we were meant for each other. We were best friends, we had great chemistry & attraction, our passion for each other remained strong even after years of being together, we had shared goals and visions of the future. We were so compatible it was downright scary. More than once, friends and acquaintances commented that they envied what we had. When we were first together, he said he should have married me before he married his ex. I laughed, telling him that was silly, he didn’t even know me back then. “It doesn’t matter, I should have, I should have searched you out, you’re everything I dreamed of,” was his answer. He was right. He should have married me years ago, but he was incapable.

I had been debating whether to stay in Greenville or move back home to Pittsburgh since he broke it off. With depression overwhelming me, I was unable to make a decision. I waited for an epiphany to show me what to do, and - SNIP- that night, I got it. I needed to get away from him - he was not good for me and it was too difficult for me to say no when he wanted to pop back into my life. I needed distance, and the change of scenery might help me move on.





Sunday, June 03, 2007

A Break from Storytelling, Cut to Ranting

So I get a MySpace message from Chip, asking me how to add his band’s music samples to his profile. It’s gig season & they’re trying to get some viral marketing on. I answer his message and check out his profile. I see that he’s taken the time to update it. His new byline was “Nascent Independence”. Oh yeah, his “new independence”. As if I was his fucking ball and chain. I always encouraged his outside interests. I was enthusiastic about his music - it was his passion, it made him happy. I savored how elated he was after a good show. I went to almost every gig, cheering him on. I was understanding about his career, listening to him kvetch when he was stressed, supporting him if he needed to take on extra hours, going to functions with him, helping him with brochures and sales ideas and his resume. Whatever it was, I was never a drag, trying to control him. So what the fuck was “Nascent Independence” supposed to mean? Was I the ball and chain to him? I dreaded the thought that the feelings of suffocation that an ex had given me was how I made Chip feel.

Christ all frighty Dana, get ahold of yourself. It’s a frickin’ byline. Why was I so sensitive about this crap anyway? I needed to learn to let things just roll off without affecting me, but I remained overly sensitive to what other people thought of me or said about me. Why should I care what he thinks? Yeah yeah, it’s his loss and all that.
Let’s face it, it could be much worse. He could be blogging about the most intimate details of our relationship. Now that would be shitty. Fine. I try and stop obsessing now. Oh, did he get that nascent shit out of a goddamn thesaurus? No really, I’ll shut up now.

Friday, June 01, 2007

Reality Slaps Me In the Face

After asking me to move out, Chip slept on the couch or in Cosette’s room except for a few nights. I would lay awake for hours, listening to him snore, wanting so badly for him to come and hold me. When sleep finally came, I would awake frequently, filled with dread at the thought of losing him, Cosette, Rite, my hopes and dreams.

I couldn’t believe that he was doing this to me- how in the hell could he possibly not love me anymore? How could he want to end this? I just didn’t get it - although we had our issues, it hardly irreconcilable. Every couple goes through hard times. I tried to talk to him, but for the most part he refused, saying it was pointless and acting as though I didn't deserve an explanation after nearly 5 years of being together. When he did talk, he was defensive and cold, and would give a multitude of reasons, none of which made much sense. It was everything from a repeat of the original ranting, or he didn't want to be responsible for me (like I was a child who needed raising, not a grown woman who had lived alone since turning 18), or he just didn’t want to give it the effort because he had to concentrate on work.

The same week Chip asked me to move out, I spent almost $900.00 on car repairs. My savings and small tax refund were wiped out, and I explained to Chip that I was now broke and needed some time to save up for an apartment. I needed about month and a half to move. He countered by belittling me for not having more money put aside and for doing "unnecessary" repairs to my car. I had only been back to full time work and out of school for about 7 months, and was making a meager junior level salary. I thought I was doing pretty well to have enough saved to pay for the repairs. I also knew from past experience that the repairs were not “unnecessary”. His friend had told me that when I mentioned the work that needed to be done, so I knew immediately that he was influencing Chip. It was ridiculous anyway – Chip was frequently broke even though he made three times more than me, but this was conveniently forgotten.

About three weeks later, I went to Pittsburgh for a long weekend with my brother. James was visiting for the last time before leaving for military duty in Germany. When I arrived back in Greenville late Monday night, Chip was asleep in our bed. I didn’t wake him and curled up tightly on the opposite side, careful not to touch him even though I wanted to. He got up to use the bathroom and I figured he wouldn’t get back in bed with me, but he did. My back turned towards him, I heard him roll over to face me. He sighed heavily a few times, and then, to my disappointment, returned to the couch. Shortly after, I decided I just couldn’t stand the loneliness anymore. I hoped a few days away would get him to think it over and have a change of heart. I got up and asked him to come back to bed. I would’ve been perfectly content with just a snuggle, but we made love for the first time in ages.

The next morning, another bomb dropped. I found a notice from the post office on the kitchen counter. There was a registered letter waiting for me from Chip. There was no need for me to retrieve it – I already knew what it was. I wanted to vomit.

Half an hour later, I was at the post office, signing for my eviction notice. It was merely a typed letter, stating if I did not vacate in 30 days, he would file official court papers. Obviously our lovemaking was merely fucking in his eyes. How could you blatantly use someone whom you supposedly had respect for, whom you supposedly loved so much? When I confronted him, he said that he sent it because I "hadn't done shit about moving out," and that “all it did was give me a time frame.” Apparently I was supposed to be showing him financial statements and report on my savings progress. What the fuck ever.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Stepparenting Ain't Easy

In February, Chip’s license had been suspended for letting his insurance lapse. During this time, I picked up Cosette three to four nights per week, plus made the hour and 15 minute round trip to take her to school in the morning. The previous week, I was unable to pick her up for her usual Wednesday visitation because I worked until well after 10:00 p.m. We had a major project deadline at work and I had put in two consecutive 70 hour weeks. I had asked several times if we would keep her Friday to make up for Wednesday, but Chip never answered. I told him that I would prefer to have some time to myself that Saturday afternoon to unwind, as I was exhausted and stressed after the long hours at work. Chip could’ve still kept her Friday night and made arrangements for her care on Saturday afternoon, or he could have told me that I was being a selfish bitch and it was important for me to keep her. Instead, he used it as his way out. He ignored the fact that I frequently watched her on the weekends since I was off and he was working; that I always made sure we had plenty of fun activities planned so she wouldn’t be stuck in front of a TV all day; that because he couldn't be bothered, I had taken it upon myself to track every minute we kept her on a special calendar just in case we ever needed it for the future; that he and his family had always been complimentary about how good I was to Cosette and how great it was that I was a part of her life; that I loved her as much as if she were my own daughter; that I was happily involved with her life and well being. He ignored all of it and accused me of not giving a shit about her.

Granted, Cosette and I both had a few adjustment issues once I moved in, but those were ironing themselves out and were not nearly as bad as they could’ve been in the first place. I was ill prepared for the stepmother role and Chip provided no support, but I was trying my hardest to make it work.

Cosette had been asking for years when would we get married and when would I move in and could we do it now? She was very excited when she found out that I was in fact moving in. Unfortunately, Chip never had a proper conversation with Cosette about it, instead telling her in the car on the way back to the house the weekend that it took place. After a few weeks, her adjustment issues began to show – she started testing my authority, albeit in minor ways, and her jealousy over her father flared. Instead of talking to Cosette about her concerns and fears, Chip ignored the situation entirely and some of his actions made it worse. Cosette is an extremely well behaved, unselfish, and genuinely caring child. He had always been fairly strict with her, but grew increasingly lenient. It got to the point that he barely disciplined her at all and would not back me up if I did so. The role of disciplinarian was not one I should have had to take in the first place. It was getting to the point of Cosette controlling the house. All the while, he was subtly pushing me to the side, creating an “us against her” mentality in the home and making me feel like an outsider. I pictured us becoming a happy family, but instead I was a third wheel.

The crisis reached a boiling point and we ended up seeing my therapist. I had gone to her after Mum’s death but had not seen her since the previous spring. She talked to him about how he needed to include me fully, that it needed to be the three of us together, how he needed to confront Cosette’s adjustment issues head on and get her to open up. She assured him that having a “blended” family could work and that Cosette would come to terms with it if we handled it properly. She also suggested I try stepping back from the disciplinary role and be less direct and harsh. I admittedly had been stricter with Cosette than in the past, and felt horrible once I realized it. I was taking out my frustrations with the situation on her. I tried to discuss my frustrations with Chip, but once again I was shut out.

My therapist offered to see us for a few more sessions, hopeful that would be enough to get us on the right track. I broached meeting with her again to Chip a few times, but there was always an excuse or schedule conflict. In the meantime, Cosette was improving on her own, while the bond between Chip and I continued to break.

Monday, May 28, 2007

History Repeats Itself

We moved into the house in late December. Shortly after, everything changed. Chip became increasingly distant. Our sex life, which had never been an issue, was nearly nonexistent and lackluster. We never went out together, we never talked. We had never been the type to bicker, but he was sullen most of the time and snapped at me frequently. One thing I always appreciated about Chip was after all the years we'd been together, he never forgot to do the little things men generally stop doing once they’ve won you over. He always told me he loved me and complimented me frequently, he brought coffee to my bedside every morning, and he would take every opportunity to show affection. One day he just stopped.

I tried to talk to him about it several times, but he just shut me out and made excuses about how he was just being a typical inconsiderate man. I grew very depressed, wondering if my worst fears about romance dying once you move in or get married were true. I don't know why it never occurred to me that he was about to run again. I had been lulled into a false sense of security, believing that since he had asked me to move in, his commitment issues were solved.
One Monday night in March, Chip came to bed and announced he was sleeping in his daughter Cosette's room, and that I needed to move out. He accused me of not understanding how important his relationship with Cosette was since I didn’t want to keep her the previous Saturday afternoon. He said I didn’t care about her as much as I portrayed and that I was a failure as a stepmother. He also mentioned a bunch of crap about how "my stuff was in the house" and my cats were annoying and "nothing was his anymore". I was absolutely shaken. How in the fuck did we end up here again?

Friday, May 25, 2007

I Thought We Were There

It was August of 2006. Chip and were on a trip to Pittsburgh, visiting my family and enjoying the city.

One night we were having cocktails at a jazz club downtown, and Chip began bandying about the idea of me moving in, as he had several times over the last few months. I had graduated college in June, and had planned on moving out of my roommates’ house within a month. I was considering breaking it off with Chip if he hadn't asked me to move in by then. While I understood his commitment timetable would be long and drawn out since he had been freshly separated when we began dating, we had been together nearly four years at this point. There comes a time when it's shit or get off the pot. He finally asked me to move in that night.

The following weekend, I moved into his downtown apartment. We were right on Park Avenue, just a few blocks from the restaurants and nightlife on Main Street. I had never truly loved living in Greenville, but this was the happiest I had ever been there. Living downtown was wonderful - we took frequent walks with Rite, the greyhound we adopted in June, and we were able to be spontaneous about going out, as everything was within walking distance.

The previous summer, Chip had broken up with me. One Friday night, he abruptly walked out seconds after he arrived to pick me up, saying he “just couldn’t do this anymore”. I was absolutely devastated. A few weeks later, my mothers’ cancer battle took a turn for the worse, and she passed away after five weeks in the hospital. Chip and I began talking again during this time and eventually began dating again.

I swore up and down that if Chip ever wanted to get back together with me, I would insist he see a therapist about his emotional and relationship issues, and that he would need to make a full commitment to me. After Mum’s death, I was too emotionally unstable to lose someone else, and I just let him walk right back into my life. For the first few months, I was very uncomfortable. I expected him to walk out again at any moment, and I kept second guessing my decision to see him again. After a few months went by, Chip finally began to open up emotionally, he started talking about “we” instead of “me”, and he stopped creating a false sense of distance. Our relationship was the best it had ever been. I began to relax - we were moving forward, making progress, and I felt like I had the love I always wanted from him.

We stayed in the apartment downtown until December, after which we moved into a three bedroom house that Chip purchased as an investment. He had been selling real estate for the last 2 years or so, and we had a great opportunity to buy a house from his employer at a substantial discount. We had talked about investing in real estate for years, and now we were actually doing it. I had thought we would be doing it together, but at the last moment, Chip informed me I would not be on the mortgage. When I questioned him, he promised we would purchase the next home together, and we would only stay in the home a few months anyway. Then he slipped – “what if something were to happened to us?” I was upset but kept my mouth shut, ignoring the fact that his fears seemed to be returning.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Back to the City

On Wednesday, May 16th, I arrived in Pittsburgh - back home & out of the South. The drive took right at 10 hours - I had my 2 kitties and Rite in the car, which made the ride rather interesting.

I was worried I would be an emotional wreck on the way up. The weekend before, I was a bridesmaid in my friend Rebekah's wedding. It was a beautiful ceremony right on the beach in Emerald Isle, by far the coolest wedding I've ever been to, and I usually loathe weddings. But in my current emotional state, I was unable to enjoy it. I cried nearly the whole 6 hour drive to North Carolina & the whole way back, not to mention losing it shortly after the ceremony. I felt terrible about not being able to take part in the festivities, and I hated to just mope & feel sorry for myself, but no amount of alcohol would numb the hurt. I spent most of the ride home thinking about how this would be the last time I would see Cosette, the last few nights I would spend in SC, my last moments with a man I thought I'd be with forever. It was all coming to a close.

I didn't think about it on the way to Pitt. I just thought of getting there & starting anew. I didn't shed a tear until I came through the Fort Pitt tunnel & the city skyline appeared before me. Rite jumped up in the back seat & started smiling, & I was overcome with emotion. This wasn't just a vacation, this was my fresh start. My new life, so much different than the visions of the future I've held dear for so long.

I will be blogging as frequently as possible for the next few weeks so everyone gets up to date, so stay tuned.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Update

I have not blogged in awhile because my whole life is literally falling apart. I will be posting more soon, but right now I need to keep everything on the down low. The only thing I can really share right now is that I recently visited with my brother before he shipped off to Ramstein Air Force Base in Germany. He found out less than 2 weeks after arriving that he will be deployed to Iraq for 6 months. He will be doing training in Mississippi & Kuwait for 2 or 3 months, then he'll be in Iraq working as prison security for 6 months. I'm so pissed off that we're still over there. I just hope he's okay.

I should be able to post an update in about 2 or 3 weeks. I'm sure it will be a post of record length, a lot has been happening. I may post before that if I think it's prudent.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Letter to the Elected Officials

I'm sending this letter to every Representative & Senator I can find an address for. You should too - history is about to repeat itself, & the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over & expecting to get the same result.

Dear _________________,

I am writing to you as a concerned citizen of the United States & a proud sister of an Airman. I am growing increasingly disturbed by the rhetoric of the President against Iran, the movement of carriers to the Persian Gulf, and the transparent disinterest of the Bush Administration in beginning diplomatic talks with the Iranian government. I am also troubled by the deafening silence on this topic by members of Congress.

It is also apparent that many of our elected officials are unable to legitimately debate the Iraq war, both with the Authorization of Military Force Against Iraq resolution of October 2002 or with the current non-binding resolution disapproving of the "surge" in Iraq. It also is apparent that we are about to repeat recent history with Iran. While I can almost forgive our representatives forgetting the lessons of the Gulf of Tonkin incident & Vietnam since this was ancient history (sarcasm intended), I cannot fathom forgetting the lessons of Iraq this soon.

Two carrier battle groups have moved into the Persian Gulf, and the USS Ronald Reagan is expected to join. The Administrations rhetoric against Iran sounds like a broken record with allegations of terrorist ties & WMD's, nevermind the fact that Iran was more than willing to help in defeating the Taliban & we have not yet proven the Iranian government is directly tied to the deaths of US soldiers. Bush & his Administration can claim they are not planning military action against Iran until they are blue in the face, but all evidence points to the contrary. Yet very few members of Congress seem to be voicing concerns - they are too busy debating about whether to debate Iraq.

The Bush Administration's dubious intelligence on Iran shows that about 8% of US troop deaths are the result of Iranian weapons & that there is no clear link to the Iranian government being directly involved. I will not bother with a long dissertation on the fact that the majority of the insurgents are actually receiving money and weapons from Saudi Arabia, and that intelligence also shows this can be directly tied to the recent downing of several Black Hawk helicopters. I will only say that I would strongly urge Congress to hold bona fide hearings on Iran. Not hearings that ignore real intelligence & rubber stamp whatever the President wants to do. A true grilling of the entire Bush Administration & every utterance of rhetoric must be held. The intelligence must be double, triple, & quadruple checked. And before we let President Bush go & play more games with our military, we must first use every diplomatic, economic, & political option available. There has been overwhelming evidence that the Iranian government has tried to reach out in the name of diplomacy numerous times. If the President won't listen, maybe Congress should.

Congress should also take action to nullify the authority given to Bush in 2001 with the Authorization for Use of Military Force resolution & the Military Force Against Iraq resolution previously mentioned. The President was granted powers that were entirely too broad with these measures. The President of the United States is neither a King or Dictator, & he should not be permitted to act as such.

If the facts can show that military conflict with Iran is necessary & unavoidable, then America has every right to defend itself. But we must realize that war with Iran will make Iraq look like child's play. Military action should be an absolute last resort - not a 2nd, or 3rd, nor a 9th or 10th. While Iraq issue must be dealt with & dealt with quickly, we must also take steps now to prevent war with Iran & get true diplomacy under way. I repeat, we must take these steps now, before Bush decides to force military action against Iran. The American public is expecting our Congress to act on this impending crisis. Please do not continue to disappoint us.

Thank you,

Dana Grueser

Monday, February 12, 2007

Cooking the Intel, Part Two

Using a brilliant PowerPoint presentation, the U.S. came out Sunday & claimed once again that the Iranian government is helping insurgent groups in Iraq kill our troops. There is a lot of disagreement on how strong the actual evidence is, and unfortunately, the Bush Administration has become like a cheating lover - once they betray your trust, you can never really believe them again. The New York times said in it's article that "the officials said such an assertion was an inference based on general intelligence assessments." The NIE stated in it's report on February 2nd that Iran is “not likely to be a major driver of violence." But of course everyone will only see the Faux News-esque headline "Iran killing our troops!" Probably most telling is that General Pace had this to say: "We know that the explosively formed projectiles are manufactured in Iran. What i would not say is that the Iranian government, per se, knows about this."

People are stupid if they think we can bomb Iran & not have it turn out way worse than Iraq ever will. Don't forget that when the 9/11 attacks happened, the general public & our elected officials backed the Bush Administration's foreign policy without question. The people of Iran will probably follow suit & become completely radicalized against the U.S. if we attack them. If we want to turn the citizens of Iran against the US, our current rhetoric is a good way to do so. Our best bet is diplomacy, and quickly. Bush claims he wants to solve the current situation diplomatically, but he has made no moves toward a diplomatic strategy thus far. Of course, the Bush administration had a chance of diplomacy with the less radical former president, but Cheney nixed that idea, & Condi can't seem to remember it.

The Ayatollahs in Iran have expressed displeasure with the radical rhetoric of Ahmadinejad, and the majority of Iranians are young and fairly liberal. Using this to our advantage should not be out of the question. However, if we want a replay of Iraq, where we've deepened hostility towards America & increased the terroristic threat, let's commence with another failed military solution.

Let's also step outside the United States of Amnesia for a moment & look at the possibility that the Iranian government is actually fueling attacks on US troops. The U.S. has consistently been one of, if not the largest, providers of weapons to foreign countries. In the past, we've provided weapons to Osama Bin Laden & Al Qaeda. We helped Saddam Hussein obtain power in Iraq & helped arm his military. We also provided weapons to Iran until just recently. So once again, we shot ourselves in the foot. Several intelligence officials & the Iraq Study group also pointed out that there are a larger number weapons from Jordan & Saudi Arabia in Iraq than Iran

It seems that it's perfectly acceptable for Bush & his Administration to threaten Iran & include it in an Axis of Evil, it's okay for him to make claims to the world about Iranian involvement in Iraq without adequate evidence, it's okay for him to give the okay to U.S. troops to capture & kill Iranians in Iraq without questions. But it is not okay if Iran doesn't fall in line with our "Great Leader. Our Christo-facism is perfectly acceptable, but Islamo-facism is not.

The American people have got to really pay attention this time. Gates himself said in regards to Iran that "I think there's some serial numbers, there may be some markings on some of the projectile fragments that we found". We think there may have been is not good enough reason to bomb another country. The Pentagon has revealed that in it's war games with Iran as an enemy, the outcome was always escalation with no end. Another headline that's been drowned out by the Iran hype is that Saudi Arabia has been implicated in arming the militias in Iraq as well. Get the Iraq Study Group report & look at page 29. But yet we're not talking about it - curious indeed. Cheney is hellbent on war, damn the consequences, & Bush follows him like a puppy dog. But they should have learned that manifest destiny will not work in the Middle East.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Rudy For President? Yeah right...

Looks like Rudy just pulled a Biden - announcing his campaign & making stupid enough comments to declare it DOA in the same breath.

Read on:
Giuliani Praises Bush's Iraq Policy, Foresight


His comment that "Presidents have to make decisions and move the country forward, and that's the kind of president that I would like to be, a president who makes decisions" makes me feel almost bad for him - he sounds like a small child who doesn't know any better & is merely looking up to an elder. Then again, Giuliani also had the wonderful idea of locating New York's emergency command center in the World Trade Center complex, which had already been bombed & was named a future terrorist target (read more here). Not exactly the brightest crayon in the box, that Rudy. Of course, the fact that the emergency command center was inaccessible on 9/11 allowed Giuliani to wander the streets of New York after the attacks looking important. America's Mayor indeed.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Let the Game of Over Analyzing & Over Polling Begin

Barack Obama made his announcement today that he'll be running for president. Although light on real policy stance, I thought the speech was great. It definitely got me more excited than listening to Hillary spin soundbites in her attempt to please everyone in the name of getting votes & campaign money (yawn). Barack made some important points about the current circus that is American politics - let's blame problems on everyone else & turn the talking points to the irrevelant so no one notices the big issues.

My glee at watching one of the best political speeches I've heard in years was quickly soured by the news coverage afterwards. All I heard about was how hard it will be to beat the "Clinton machine" & how Barack has a lot of catching up to do & Hillary this & Hillary that. Can we not talk about Obama without mentioning Hillary? In case no one has noticed, we have one year & 9 months until we vote for president, & the primaries are nearly a year away as well. I highly doubt that Barack is as doomed as the media portrays. I think he has more potential to win over the public than Hillary if he has the chance.

On MSNBC, Chris Matthews talked of how part of the Democrats problem is that they can't get Gen Xers out to vote, & he painted young voters as too lazy to crawl out of bed & go to the polls. Craig Crawford from Congressional Quarterly talked about how Obama may be too liberal to be electable & he needs to move to the center. Wrong & wrong again. Gen X & progressives in general don't get excited about voting because the Democratic party keeps feeding us Republican Lite candidates in a poor attempt at winning elections. And the very reason Obama is electable is because he is more liberal than Hillary - if he moves to the center, he's no different than any of the other schmucks. Hillary may have superior name recognition & tons of money, but her political posturing & traingulation does nothing for the true Democratic base, nor for the rest of the country. Bill Clinton did a fine job, but I think this country needs much more than Clintonian comprimise right now.

There is no better time for a truly progressive, different from politics as usual candidate. I believe that the American public sent that message loud & clear in the midterm elections. I also believe they sent that message when they failed to show up at the polls in the last two presidential elections. If you want voter turn out, give us a candidate that isn't just "the lesser of two evils". When Kerry ran for President, I wasn't excited about him. The only reason I voted for him was because I wanted Bush out of office. How many others who don't care about politics as much as I do just stayed home?

Most Americans from either party can agree - Iraq & the rest of the Middle East is a mess, & we need a change in policy; the current healthcare system isn't working for the majority of people; public education needs serious attention; corruption and partisinship in Washington is a major issue. The Republicans who've held office over the last several years have done nothing to fix these problems, and honestly, not many of the Democrats have either. It's time for someone who's 180 degrees from the same old shit. Will Obama fill the role, or will he move to the right because his campaign managers tell him to? Will the Democrats screw themselves once again? I guess will have another year & nine months to watch the circus & find out.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Feingold, My Hero

Yeah, he's a "liberal wacko", but I love him because of it. Finally, someone in D.C. calls out the Dems on their cowardice.

Watch the clip from Keith Olbermann last night. And call your local representatives!


Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Fair & Balanced My Arse

This pisses me off to no end. Bill O'Reilly, on the Faux News channel, had an interview with Charlie Rangle about support for the impeachment of President Bush. O'Reilly rants on about how dare the American public and Congress talk about impeaching a war time president & how we just need solutions. In his Talking Points before this segment, he states "impeachment talks are nonsense". And oh, lest we forget, no one is offering any solutions, & that's what we need, not impeachment. Yeah, I'm sure we're all troop haters too.

The most amusing part is that when Clinton was being impeached, O'Reilly was all for it. He said the impeachment "was not about sex. This is about honesty and cruelty. For Mr. Clinton, it was about undermining the justice system." Like Bush hasn't undermined the justice system, the constitution, etc, etc. So it's perfectly acceptable for us to impeach over a blow job, but we shouldn't even discuss it in the case of Bush.

The video clip is available on O'Reilly's home page:

http://www.foxnews.com/oreilly/index.htm

Sunday, January 21, 2007

My Apologies

Many of you who are regular visitors have read my "Just More Barbeque" post. This post has unfortunately upset several people whom I hold dear, and for that, I would like to apologize. Someone decided to anonymously mail this post to Chip's sister, Tracy. Upon reading it, she was rightfully upset, feeling humiliated.

My intentions with the "Just More Barbeque" post was not to portray Chip's family as a bunch of "Gomer Pyles", as Tracy put it, nor to give the impression that I hate children or look down upon those who have them. My comments about the baby shower in general was meant to be more of a reflection on my own discomfort at these types of events, not that I dislike babies or that I'm not happy for a new mother. My disparaging comments about the clientele at the restaurant were not in reference to his family. I guess I should have been more clear in my post that I was not attempting to poke fun at Chip’s family personally. I was attempting to illustrate that even after living here 11 years, I still have culture shock. Also, since I have no children of my own, and I swore I would never have children or a husband for most of my life, I have a difficult time relating to baby or wedding showers, or the joys of motherhood. I felt like I was an outsider, not only at the event itself but also in the venue in which it took place. My reaction to this, as faulty as it may have been, was to try to spin it with cynical humor. Those who are close to me know of my tendency to do this, & also my habit of covering my emotions with a "Dana the hard ass" front. Unfortunately, those of whom do not understand this tendency may be offended or hurt. I cannot blame them for feeling this way, and it is my fault that I was not more considerate in taking the time to review my writings & consider how they could be construed.

I have apologized to Tracy, but regrettably, the damage is done. I am banned from family functions now, & I have lost their trust. Tracy has gone out of her way to try & include me in their family, and I have appreciated it more than she will ever know. The fact that my post was so hurtful to her makes me feel horrible & shameful. With Mum gone and the majority of my family in Pittsburgh, Chip’s family had become my family. I guess my punishment will be spending holidays without company & feeling even more like an outsider without a home.

This will not be the first time my writings have got me in trouble. I got detention in the fourth grade for having a "slam book", I was sent to the principals office in 10th grade for writing a persuasive essay about why marijuana should be legalized, and I was grounded repeatedly by my parents for journal writings, just to name a few instances. Yet somehow I've never learned to censor myself. I guess it can be argued whether I should or not. In a conversation with my father today regarding the repercussions of this incident, his advice was not too repress my writings because I would in effect be lying, and that this censorship would cloud every bit of my creative expressions. On the other hand, he pointed out that being brutally honest means dealing with the consequences. Point well taken, yet I question my ability to shrug it off when a misunderstanding of my cynical & sarcastic view of the world unintentionally hurts someone.

As far as the anonymous mailer is concerned (segway into my usual brutal honesty & offensiveness shall commence), it doesn’t take the CIA to figure out who did this. All of the parties involved know who did, so you may as well not have bothered mailing it "anonymously". I am not placing blame on this person - it is not his/her fault that I wrote the piece, & it is not his/her fault that my words were hurtful. But for whomever mailed this post to stoop to sophomoric smear tactics is reprehensible.

Whoever you are, you have succeeded in causing me, Chip, & his family pain, so I’m sure you are pleased. What you fail to realize is that by mailing this post, you have also proven yourself to be unreasonable and selfish. Of course, you probably don't realize how low this incident makes you look, because you are not intelligent enough to see the bigger picture. You do not seem to realize that every time you do something like this, everyone talks about how childish you are. You should mind your own fucking business & quit trying to create drama where it would have been nonexistent. We are all adults and should behave as such, not as though we are still in middle school, passing gossipy notes to classmates. If you are unhappy with your own life, this is not my fault - your own actions have brought you to where you are today. So what is the point in causing everyone else to be upset & drag them into your insanity? So that you can continue to show how ridiculously immature you are? So that you can continue to make everyone question your erratic, absurd behavior? You have certainly succeeding in these respects, however, you will NOT succeed in making my life as miserable as yours. Maybe you should consider more productive ways to spend your time in the future. Of course, trying to get this point across to you can be likened to reasoning with a two year old, so I suppose I will stop wasting my breath.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Crazy Go Nuts

Yup, it's been 2 months and 6 days since I last posted. I'm a slacka, I know. Actually, it's been crazy go nuts in Dana - land. Over the last two months, I've been to San Antonio, Texas for my brother James's boot camp graduation; James also came home for the holidays, staying with us for a week; Chip & I moved into our first investment property the week after Christmas; 3 weeks before we moved, the landlord screwed up our internet connection, so I couldn't blog anyways; work has been crazy; and oh yeah, Chanukah & Christmas festivities too.

James did indeed make it through basic training for the Air Force. Watching his graduation brought bittersweet tears to my eyes - while I disagree with our current Administration & don't like the military industrial complex our armed forces have become, I am proud of my brother & excited about his future. He will be home again in March or April, & then he'll head off to Ramstein, Germany. Most likely, he will do a tour of duty in Iraq or somewhere nearby, but his permanent base will be in Germany for at least two years. I'm sure being overseas will be an eye opening experience for him.

This will be week four in our new home, & there are still boxes piled up in the garage. Hopefully the last few will be unpacked and/or shifted into a neater pile by the end of the week. Chip & I have been talking about investing in real estate for four years, & now our dream is finally reality. We plan on buying several more properties to flip over the next two years, & we will most likely stay in our current home until those are sold.

Time to feed the zoo & go to bed, so I'll sign off for now. I'll try to post again before another two months goes by.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Tales from the Animal Kingdom


Sure smells tasty!



I took this picure with my camera phone, so yes, it sucks, but I had to capture the moment. My kitty, Gabriel, has finally figured out that Rite isn't going to eat him. Gabriel has been very curious about Rite, but very cautious. He'll occasionally sniff Rite's tail or paws, but for the most part he's kept his distance . Well, after we returned from our evening walk this past Monday, Rite took his usual prone position on the living room floor. Gabriel immediately ran up & started sniffing all over him. I do mean all over - he crawled up on him to smell his torso, he sniffed his paws, and he even got right up in his face and was even sniffing his mouth. Rite just lay there the whole time, barely noticing. Gabriel continued his sniffing mission for at least 15 minutes, then he crouched next to him & stared for awhile. I can only imagine what was going through his mind as he looked inquistively at our 80 pound, 45 mile per hour couch potato. "Can I eat it? No, it's too big. Can I play with it? No, too big for that too..."

By the way, sorry to disappoint all you Kismet fans out there (yup, all 2 of you) with my lack of posts recently. Life has been quite busy - Chip & I are about to purchase our first investment property, work has been crazy go nuts, I've been volunteering for the Greyhound rescue group, & I've had another attack of the bird flu as well. Next week, I'm flying to San Antonio for Jimmy's boot camp graduation, so this should provide me with some blog fodder.

Stay tuned!

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

And he grows up and he grows up and he grows up...

Lil' bro James is off to be all he can be. Actually, I think that was an 80's Army slogan, not Air Force.

Two Fridays ago, James called me a few time in fairly quick succession, but I was knee deep in broken code at work & my project manager was looking over my shoulder, so I didn't answer. Finally, he sent me a "no really, this is actually an emergency..." text message. James was supposed to ship off for boot camp in December, but a week & a half ago, his recruiter called & said "hey, you wanna leave Monday? Yeah, really, like three days from now". One of the other recruits that was scheduled to leave this month missappeared, so James was offered his spot. He was pretty well set on going, but wanted my advice first. Of course, as much as I hated for him to leave so soon, I knew it was the best thing for him.

Of course my Jewish mother instincts are kicking in, & I'm worried sick about him. What if he doesn't make it through basic? What if he gets injured? What if the plane crashes on the way there? I'm sure he'll make it through, do very well, and that the plane won't crash. But I've never gone more than a few days without talking to my brother, and now we'll have nothing but infrequent letters for the next 7 weeks. After basic training, he'll go to tech school for 4 - 6 months, and after that, who knows which base he'll be on. So I had better get used to James being away.

My therapist once said that with Mum gone, I would need to take her role as the family matriarch, for my own emotional health & for the kids. After moving from Pennsylvania to South Carolina, Mum became the anchor of our odd blended family, and there has been a gaping hole left in the wake of her death. I've thought about the musings of my therapist a lot over the last few months. With James growing up & leaving the nest, and Jade turning into Miss Hormonal I Hate Everything Preteen, I am at a total loss as to how to be the family anchor. I'm barely used to Mum's absence, and now I have to deal with James being away as well. With the age differences between us, I've always been like a 2nd mom to James & Jade, so it warms my heart when they look to me for guidance, but it's hard to watch them face life's trials and grow up.

As difficult as it's been to let James go off into the big, bad world & lead his own adult life, I'm excited about the opportunities for my brother. I hope that he finds success & fulfillment, and most importantly, I hope he doesn't make the same mistakes his big sis' did.

P.S. If you can figure out the obscure movie reference above, you get an A.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Cat & Dogs & Boyfriends, Oh My!

Yeah, yeah, I haven't blogged in awhile. I've been super busy with work & moving over the last few weeks. After four years of being the super duper commitment phobic couple, I moved in with Chip about two weeks ago. Not only is this a merging of furniture, it's a merging of pets. We've got quite the zoo over here.

I brought Bear & Gabriel over first, figuring I'd let them settle in with Rite before I brought Wes over. Wes is an alley cat I rescued a few years back - someone abandoned him, and he ended up hanging out on my patio. For 2 months, he stayed there, with me refusing to feed him or take him in. As sorry as I felt for him, I knew taking in another cat was not a good idea. I tried to find a home through the local rescue groups, no kill shelters, friends & coworkers. Of course, with him already being about a year old, no one wanted him - everyone wants the cute kitten. Finally, an ice storm hit, & Wes was sitting on my patio with ice hanging off his whiskers. Of course, I couldn't leave him outside to freeze.

Unfortunately, Wes wasn't neutered when I found him, & he was aggressive towards Bear & Gabriel. At one point, he left a 3 inch long gash on Bear's abdomen that required antibiotics. After he was neutered, he calmed down considerably, even making friends with my Mum's cats while he was there for a few months during my transisition into academic life. Bear & Gabriel have never forgotten though, so I've always kept him seperated from them, either in his own room or outside. It's not the best situation for him, but I figure it's better than the dangers of alley cat life.

Rite came to us pretested for kitty friendliness = some Greyhounds have very high prey drives & cannot be around small dogs or cats. Rite had four kitties in his foster home, and has even made friends with some cats around the neighborhood. I was more worried about how the kitties woud react to Rite then his reaction towards them. Gabriel is a very shy kitty & easily stressed, so I fully expected him to hide under the bed for at least a month once he realized there was an 85 pound dog in the house. To my amazement, he was even more brave than Bear. The first night, we put up baby gates and set them up with their own "safe area". The next day, I put Rite in his crate & let them explore the rest of the house, so they could get used to Rite without feeling threatened. Gabriel was the first one to venture near the crate - he carefully creeped across the living room, tip toeing like a panther about to sneak up on prey, and stuck his nose in the crate to get a good wiff of Rite.

Bear, Gabriel, & Rite have been living in harmony ever since. Bear quickly claimed her spot as Alpha of the house, as usual. Rite cowers if she hisses at him. They're still getting used to living with a dog, but every day they get closer to their normal routine. Gabriel still hasn't curled up in bed with me yet (Rite sleeps next to the bed), but I'm hoping he will soon. He has enjoyed sneaking up on Rite while he's sleeping & sniffing his paws or his nose, or just watching him - he is definitely the curious cat.

Wes is coming home this week, but I've been trying to find him another home. Wes has never received the attention he deserves, & I know that he'll receive even less now. Two cats & a dog is enough of a zoo, & adding a kitty that has to be kept away from the other cats will be a struggle. Unfortunately, I've faced the same problem I had when I first found him - it's about impossible to find an adult cat a home. As much as I hate to give him up, I know it would be better for him to have a home where he could get more affection. The Humane Society is not an option though, since I know he'd probably end up being put down, so I'll keep him until a suitable home is available.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

My Summer Vacation

August was a family filled month for me. My sister, Meridith visited from Chicago for 4 days, and Chip & I took a trip to Pittsburgh to visit my Dad & Grandparents. I used up quite a few vacation days, but I really needed it.

Meridith & I had an absolute blast while she was here. We've always been very close, but we've rarely seen each other since I moved down South. Most of the time it's involved her getting married, so wedding plans have interfered with time to just hang out & relax. Meridith has dreamed of embarking on a real estate career for some time, and is considering relocating here to make it happen. I hope she can - I need another Yankee girl to hang out with. Poor Chip was probably in a state of shock & embarrassment most of the time she was here - my Southern bred boy is barely accustomed to me after 4 years of dating, much less two loud, foul-mouthed, gregarious Yankee girls at once. One night, we were even admonished for being too loud in a bar. Yes, you read that correctly, in a bar. Monday night is Jazz night at the Handlebar, one block from Chip's apartment. Shortly after ordering our second round of drinks, our server told us that we needed to keep it down. "Are you fucking kidding me?!”, I questioned. Turns out the boss man was sitting at the table behind us & thought we might be disturbing people who actually wanted to listen to the music. While attempting to affect a prim Charlestonian accent, Meridith called several friends to tell them we had not been acting like proper, demure Southern ladies.

Speaking of culture shock, our trip to Pittsburgh was Chip's first adventure above the Mason Dixon line, and the first time he's been to a "bee-ig ci - tee". As we crossed the Penna border, I could feel my heart quicken with excitement. As much as I love Southern weather & the low cost of living, I'll never feel completely at home. I miss the Northeast - except for the cold, snowy winters, that is.

Pittsburgh driving was a big shock for Chip. He’s always commented about how I drive like an asshole, & he used to cover his face whenever I beeped at someone. It's considered rude to use your horn down here, so when Chip heard horns blaring & people yelling out the window at other drivers, he was bug eyed. He also found the total disregard for posted speed limits amusing. In contrast, South Carolina actually has minimum speeds posted on the interstates.

Dad wanted to see his new grandson, so we brought Rite with us. Greyhounds are aptly nicknamed the 45 mile per hour couch potatoes, but Rite does enjoy a half speed round of laps around the house in the morning & early evening. Well, somehow he caught a stray thread from the carpet in one of his back claws and ripped the claw completely out of the nail canal. Rite was unfazed & just kept playing, splattering blood everywhere. Greyhounds are generally very healthy, but they have a few idiosyncrasies, one of which is a predisposition to hemophilia. The rescue groups will tell you to find a vet with Greyhound experience to be on the safe side. Luckily, we found a vet that had experience with Greyhounds about 10 minutes away. She patched him up with styptic powder, antibiotics, and a big wrapped bandage. Chip & I were thinking how lucky we were to escape with a $25.00 bill – we figured we would be in for at least $100. About halfway back to Dad’s apartment, we noticed Rite was bleeding through the bandage. Back to the vet we went. She patched him up again & told us she would be open until 8:00 if it happened again. Sure enough, at about 5:00, Rite started bleeding. We called the vet back, & were told she was now totally booked and that we’d have to take him to the emergency vet. So much for keeping the vet bill low.

We ended up spending over four hours at the vet’s office. During our wait, I discovered something – Ewoks are real animals. Shortly after we arrived, a woman came in with her pet, and I swear it was an Ewok. The receptionist tells her that all animals must be kept on a leash or in a carrier. With her nose in the air, the woman says that her dog doesn’t belong on a leash, she’ll just hold him. She carried him around like a baby the entire four hours that we were there, and she was still carrying him when we left. This also proves my theory that it was an Ewok, not a dog – I don’t know too many dogs that will be perfectly still & silent for that long. At one point, she walked by Rite & petted him, making comments about how “maybe your Mommy & Daddy should pay you more attention, that’s why you want me to pet you.” Sorry lady. I probably have one of the most spoiled dogs in the world, but since he weighs 85 pounds, I can’t carry him.

So after $320 & an overnight stay, Rite’s wound finally clotted, and we were able to bring him home. Thankfully, the claw fiasco didn’t put too much of a damper on our fun – we went to a few clubs, rode the Incline for some great views of the city, & Dad took us on an all day walking tour of downtown. We had planned on driving to Greenville, PA (otherwise known as BFE) to visit my Grandmother on Tuesday, but because of Rite’s injury, we had to go Thursday instead. This ended up putting us several hours behind schedule to begin the journey back to Greenville, SC, but we didn’t think it would be a big deal. Well, there was a huge wreck involving a semi right on the West Virginia/Virginia border. We ended up stuck for nearly 3 hours. By the way, there are some scary people in West Virginia. We stopped for Wendy’s at one point, and I overheard a husband (with a bad mullet) and his wife (with a bad scrungie) joking around, and he said to her “don’t chu be sai-yin’ that no mo’, or I’ll kut – cha.” Yup, dude just threatened to cut his wife. We didn’t get back to SC until nearly 4 a.m., and poor Chip had to work the next day.

I took a crapload of pictures while on vacation, but unfortunately, due to a combination of camera issues & operator error, most of them came out like garbage. I’m going to try & rescue a few with some Photoshop magic, and I’ll post them once I’m done. I was hoping to have some fantastic photos that would be frame worthy, but no such luck. Unfortunately, I still use a film SLR. It may be time to spend some gelt on a new digital SLR.

I know with the dog emergency & traffic delays, it seems like the trip sucked, but I had a great time. We’re planning on another trip up next summer, and I can’t wait.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Furbabies


Caught you napping! Bear, my 17 year old Russian Blue, & Gabriel, my 6 year old Birman.


Bear strikes a pose.


A bad picture of me, but a good picture of Rite.


Walking the dog.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Weird & Random



Okay, these pictures suck because they were taken with a camera phone, but they illustrate that you should never leave home without a camera of some sort.

If you look closely at the piece of posterboard on the chair, it says "People's Chair. Chair of the folks. By Jackson." This chair was sitting on the sidewalk right on Main Street in downtown Greenville last Friday evening. Weird shit, man.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Just More Barbeque

There it was, the moment I had been dreading since I heard that Chip's sister, Tracy was pregnant. The invitation to the baby shower had arrived in the mail. Fuck. To top it off, the shower was being held at a barbeque restaurant. Are you kidding me? Fuckedy fuck fuck.

I don't do well with baby showers, bridal showers, weddings, small children's birthday parties, whatever. It's just not my thing. I call Chip. "I've been invited to your sister's estrogen fest this Saturday. Would I be a horrible person & make your family hate me if I don't go? No, seriously..." Chip called Tracy to find out more details, and found out that she had already had one estrogen fest shower, this was a second shower (yes, a second one), one for everyone, including kids & men, to attend. Shit, so I couldn't use a "we have a thing with Cosette..." excuse.

The restuarant is out in the middle of nowhere. Don't get me wrong, I love Chip's family, but they all live beyond anywhere I'd call civilization, and every family gathering involves driving until you fall off the face of the Earth. Keep in mind we're also in South Carolina, so the country gets pretty scary for us Yankee types, and of course I never have cell phone reception.

We drive up to Just More Barbecue, a metal building on some country road with a faux rock chimney straight up the middle. We walk in and I realize something - I will never get over Southern culture shock. I've lived in South Carolina for 11 years, and every time I think I'm used to redneckville, I get stuck in a place like this. There's a bluegrass band composed of heavy set, 40ish women in ankle length denim skirts straight from Walmart. Not that bluegrass is bad... well, yeah it is. I can dig some Bela Fleck, but that's about it. I look around to check out the crowd. I see mall hair, men with their dungarees hiked up to their chests, mullet hair cuts, people picking their teeth WITH THEIR FINGERS at the table, you name it. I also notice everyone is eating off of a plastic plate on a plastic tray with plastic forks. A little voice inside me screams "I do not belong here!"

We stand in line to order, and they serve out the food cafeteria style. No alcohol on the menu - I was hoping at least for cheap beer to get me through this. I'm hoping they at least have something other than trayf pork on the menu.

The lady who's serving slaps a piece of chicken on my plate that is the size of my head. No exaggeration. Now I know why 90% of the clientele is obese. I get to pick two side items, so I think to myself, well at least I can get some vegetables. As I look down at the green beans, I remember why I don't eat southern style vegetables - after southern style cooking, they no longer hold any nutritional value, nor do they taste like anything close to a vegetable. See, southerners either boil the shit out of everything or fry it. Yes, they bread & fry vegetables, and they add fatback (translation: chunks of pork fat) to the mix for "flavor". Then, they just let it sit in the green, greasy water until it's served, so it's just mush. Oh yeah, and Southern food is really bland. "I'll just take some rice & french fries, thank you," I tell the server. At least I can dump a bunch of ketchup on the fries. Oh shit, they've got that Hunt's crap! Don't they know Heinz is the only worthy ketchup?

One of Tracy's friends passes out cards for us to write on while we're finishing our meals. There were 10 questions on the inside, and we could answer one or more of them. Questions like "What are your hopes or dreams for the new baby?", or "What characteristics from Mom & Dad would you like to be passed on to the baby?" What if I didn't want to answer any of them? I nudged Chip and pointed to number 2, "What was your reaction when you found out about the pregnancy?" Can I say "So sorry for your loss?" Chip laughed but said it may not be appropriate. Since when have I ever been appropriate?

Yay, time for presents! Does this mean it's almost over? I was nominated to write down which gift came from whom, which is funny because I didn't know what half the stuff was.

I couldn't get out of there fast enough. Could we have Thai food & martinis for dinner tomorrow? If I ever do have children, I will never, ever, put my friends (or myself) through the horror that is a baby shower.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Slightly Melancholy Birthday

I've heard it said over the years that the older you get, the less birthdays matter. I've never believed this would be true for me - I've always treated my birthday like a national holiday. Every year, I have a big party, and up to 30 people have come to celebrate. Last year, Mum died 5 days before and we held the funeral the day after my birthday, so I wasn't exactly in the mood to celebrate. I thought this would be an aberration from the norm, but maybe my birthday will just never be the same.

I can't kvetch about the day overall. I had a great yoga class in the morning, took a nap with the kitties, took the dog on a nice walk in the park, and had a party at Barley's downtown. Not as many people showed for the party as what I would've wanted, and it seems as though less people attend with each passing year. But I'm thankful for those that did, and a good time was had by all. The fact that my brother forgot my birthday yet again hung over my head. He usually forgets (except last year), but I hear him mention quite often about how one of his friends has a birthday coming up so he's got to buy gifts and attend the party, and everytime, I feel a little hurt that he usually can't be bothered to remember mine. I reminded him in my last email that Saturday was the day, and he replied that he wouldn't forget. I guess it wasn't at the top of his list. Maybe I shouldn't take it so personally.

My party felt anti-climatic in a way - not that I didn't enjoy it, but it just seemed as though something was missing. Maybe it's the fact I will never have cake & wine with Mum again, maybe I'm just getting old, maybe I should just quit dwelling on the bad & focus on the people that did come to celebrate or called with happy birthday wishes, maybe I just have to much on my mind.

Maybe next year will be more like it used to be.

A Mother's Pain

Recent family happenings have proved to me once again that the best kids are the furry kind. The human kind are too much of a nuisance.

My younger brother, James, is about to give me an ulcer. James is almost 10 years younger than me, so he's like a son to me in a lot of ways. He's super talented at photography, art & dance; he's absolutely hilarious, intelligent, and has tons of charisma. James is also the ADHD poster child & extremely impulsive, so he gets into a lot of trouble.

Since Mum passed away last year, James has been in the doghouse for drinking with friends at my stepfather, Doug’s, house, several car accidents (one of which nearly totaled the van he's been driving), going somewhere around 90-100 mph in a 55 mph zone, almost flunking his senior year... That's all I can think of right now, and that's just stuff my stepfather knows about. I'm aware of more & I'm sure he doesn't tell me everything.

Well, last week, James was home alone for about a week while everyone went out of town. At some point, he ransacked Doug's room & found the keys to Doug's Cobra, which were very well hidden. The Cobra, by the way, has been tuned & has 575 horsepower. James, who breaks or wrecks just about anything mechanical that he touches, destroys the clutch and a few other parts. The car had to be towed into the shop, & the last estimate we were given for damages was $1400. James left the house before Doug got home, leaving a note detailing what had happened to the car & said that he was going to live somewhere else since he was “too old” to not be on his own.

Two weeks ago, James got fired from his job. He was waiting tables at a fine dining restaurant and making pretty good money. Doug had his cell phone turned off when he left the house, and James left the van he’d been driving. So James has no job, no phone, and no vehicle. He’s crashing with an older friend who owns the dance studio that James takes lessons at. The friend only has a 1 bedroom apartment, so I’m not sure how long he can stay. Doug has decided that he does not want to be involved with James at this point, and unfortunately, James has no relationship with his real father. So I get to step in as "Mom" and deal with the situation.

James has been planning on going to the Art Institute in West Palm Beach for the last year and a half. About a month ago, he announced that he was joining the Air Force. I'm trying to be supportive of my brother's decision to join the military, but of course I have concerns about how he's going to fit the Art Institute into his plans & I'm also not really into the idea of him being in harms way. Then again, the structured environment of the military may be the best thing for him right now. I'm worried sick about him, and I haven't heard from him since Wednesday. James is supposed to be going to Columbia, SC today for processing, and he should go to basic training sometime around November. I was hoping to hear from him before he left, but I guess I won't. I just pray that everything turns out okay. I only want the best for him, I want him to be able to follow his dreams, and not to make the same mistakes I did. I guess he'll have to learn on his own though, just as everyone does.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Birthday Resolutions

I never make New Years resolutions. I figure I won't keep them anyway. This year, I have decided to make a birthday resolution.

Today is the first anniversary of Mum's death. I took the day off work & planned on writing today. I've been wanting to tap more into my creative side, and I've been wanting to write more, but my writers block is in full force right now. It's as if my mind is not clear enough to write, but I need to write to clear my mind. I've been so tired today I can't even think straight. My brother has landed himself in some trouble, but I'll save that story for another post tomorrow. Let's just say my stepfather has cut him off, so it's now my issue, and I've been to upset about it to concentrate on myself.

So my resolution is to focus & put the pen to paper. I've been thinking about writing a memoir on the subject of my mothers death and how it affected me, so I'm going to do it. The problem is, most of my ideas come to me while I'm drifting out of consciousness and into sleep at night. I received a journal from my Mum's best friend for graduation, so I'm just going to keep it w/ me at all times, that way I can write down my ideas as they come to me.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

What I Do at Work

Not much, obviously, except for trying to find new & exciting ways to waste time. Here are the other Developers I work with.






Thursday, July 06, 2006

We've Found "Mr. Rite"


Well, after dating nearly 4 years, Chip & I are still not ready for marriage and/or kids. So instead, we decided to adopt a dog. I figure that should keep us from having to take anymore "commitment" steps for at least another year or two. :)

The newest addition to the family is a retired racing Greyhound. His racing name was Can't Get it Rite, so he's called Rite for short.

We adopted Rite through For the Hounds, a local rescue group. The first meeting was at Petsmart, where we were able to see him interact with strange dogs, kids, and whatever else. We walked him around the store, where he began picking up various toys and treats in his mouth & bringing them to us with a "Hey, buy me this," look on his face.

Rite is 4 years old and he's a really big dog. He weighs just over 80 pounds and is hip high on me while on all fours. Most importantly, he's been kitty tested, and got along well with the 4 cats in his foster home. He's very docile and sweet. He likes to "velcro", which is Greyhound speak for rubbing on you like a cat to show affection. Maybe that's why I like him so much. Rite also seems very intelligent - he's picking up on commands and training quickly. The only problem we've had so far is stairs - Chip lives in a second floor apartment, and Rite is absolutely terrified of the stairs. Of course, I've fallen down them a few times myself, so I can't really blame him.

So I'm now a doggie mommy & kitty mommy. This picture is from the rescue group - I'll take more this weekend & post them as soon as I get the film developed & scanned. Yup, I'm still old skool with a film camera. I finally got a few pictures of the kitties that are decent too, so I'll post those as well. The cats either run off as soon as they see the camera, or the pictures end up with horrible red eye, so hopefully I'll have better luck with Rite. So look for more fur baby pics in a few days.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Graduation Pics


James & his best friend, Taylor.


James with his lady friend, Christine, on the left & me on the right.



Lil' Bro & Big Sis - my Graduation.

More to come after I get film developed & scanned - sorry, I'm old skool & still use film. Should have them ready this weekend or early next week.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Lil' Sis

Some cool pictures of my little sister, Jade.



Thursday, June 15, 2006

Really Bitchin' Bike

I just bought a really bitchin' mountain bike! Part of my graduation gifts. Here's a pic (not of my actually bike, off the web). It's a Specialized D4W (womens specific design) Hardrock Sport. I just added a link for Specialized Bikes & the Carolina Triathlon Store too. Off to the trails I go!

Saturday, June 10, 2006

My Graduation Speech

This past Wednesday, I was riding home from work, listening to music, and thinking to myself, "“Wow, graduation is only two days away... I should really start writing that speech for graduation."” Mr. Clark had called me nearly two weeks before to inform me that I had been chosen as Valedictorian, but I had been totally uninspired, unable to come up with any well written, earth shattering witticisms. Then it occurred to me - – maybe I'm not all that witty or imaginative. And who is going to really listen to another boring graduation speech anyway? At this point I gave serious consideration to reading "“Oh the Places You'’ll Go"” by Doctor Seuss and calling it a day. And then, my IPOD shuffled to the next artist, and the following lyric from the Update, a Beastie Boys song, came to my rescue.

Over The Years, I've Grown And Changed So Much
Things I Know Now Years Ago, I Couldn't Touch
There Are Things I've Done That I Wouldn't Do Again
But I'm Glad That I Did 'Cause I've Learned From Them
I Just Try To Stay Present Right Here, Right Now
No Worries, No Fears And Without Any Doubts
And The True Key Is A Trust In Self
For When I Trust Myself, I Fear No One Else
I Took Control Of My Life, Just As Anyone Can
I Want Everyone To See It's In The Palm Of Your Hand
The Past Is Gone, The Future Yet Unborn
But Right Here And Now Is Where It All Goes On.

As my late 20'’s approached, I felt like I had trust in myself. Although I wasn'’t entirely content with my direction in life, I was in a comfort zone, unable to throw off the security blanket and make a drastic change.

As we all know to well, life has a way of shattering oblivious bliss if you stay in it too long. In late 2003, a health crisis that nearly robbed me of my ability to walk shook me out of my stupor. My vocation at that time was automobile sales, a job that required me to be on my feet 50 -60 hours a week. And no matter what drama may be happening in your life, you had better be out grabbing customers with a big beaming smile on your face, and you had better meet your sales quota, and you had better not show any vulnerability. Obviously, hobbling around on a cane was not working out to well. Unfortunately, sales was all I knew, and I had no college education. I always pictured myself as the ambitious career woman, not someone living on a disability check, unable to do the simple activities I had once taken for granted. A cloud of hopelessness and depression hung like a dark haze over me, and with great trepidation, I began to wonder how in the heck I was going to make it through this one. My self-esteem in shambles, I tearfully asked my boyfriend how I would manage if I ended up in a wheelchair. "“You still have this, and you will figure out a way to be okay,"” was his answer. A few months later, I took the plunge and enrolled at ECPI, embarking upon the transformation of myself from sales extraordinaire to computer geek.

Going back to school rejuvenated me in ways I never thought possible. My joy of learning was rekindled. Sit back for a moment and try to think of the last time you read a book, and I don'’t mean something with Fabio holding the distressed damsel on the cover. ItÂ's amazing when life & adult responsibilities take over how you forget the sense of accomplishment that learning can bring. Three years ago, I would have never pictured myself with a career in software development. This is more than a little embarrassing to admit, but I never thought that studying computer code all day would light my fire like it did.

During my time at ECPI, I also learned how important it is to have perseverance, and give every task you undertake your all. Many of us have put our lives on hold while pursuing our education, with the hopes of a new career and better days ahead. Our responsibilities to our families and our jobs did not stop while we were here. I know there were many times when I wanted nothing more than to get this over with and get on with my future. Last summer, my mother lost her battle with breast cancer, and the overwhelming grief made it difficult to get to sleep, nearly impossible to drag myself out of bed to face the day, and my ability to focus on my studies was shot to hell. Once again, I found myself questioning how I would make it through, but I knew Mum would want nothing more than for me to stick with it and finish strong. With my desire to honor her wishes, and with the encouragement and kindness of my teachers, I made it. As the great philosopher Gurdjieff said "“The worse the conditions of life the more productive the work."” Many of you have faced your own struggles during your time here -– do not forget the efforts that brought you here today despite these obstacles.

In conclusion, I want to thank everyone here at ECPI, including my fellow students and the entire staff for making my experience here something I will always remember fondly. I want to say a special thank you to Mr. Clark & Mr. Johnson because you guys had to put up with my endearing Jewish neuroticism the most out of anyone here. I will never forget Mr. Johnson'’s excitement for passing on his wealth of knowledge, or Mr. Clark'’s ability to keep me awake and interested in classes that consisted of 5 hours of lecture from a textbook, or his raised eyebrow and "Hey, how'’s that sleeping in thing working out?" when I walked into class late nearly every morning. I also want to thank my family and friends for their unwavering encouragement, and for doing their part to keep me somewhat sane over the last 18 months.

To my fellow classmates, now is our chance to take control of our lives, just as anyone can. Right Here And Now Is Where It All Goes On, so give it your all. You may not always succeed, but remember, if all else fails, there'’s always self delusion.

In parting I will leave you with some great words of wisdom from one of my favorite authors, the great Dr. Seuss:

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And you are the guy who'll decide where to go.
You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.)
So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!

Thank you everyone!

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Mazel tov to me!

Guess what! No, not chicken butt...

I just found out that I am the valedictorian of my class! Holy crap! I can hardly believe it - I've gone from the stoner chick who barely made it through high school to ultra responsible, good grades geek. Wonders never cease.

I've got to write a speech, 15-30 minutes in length, and speak in front of a few hundred people. Now, just what in the hell I'm going to talk about, I don't know, but I better figure it out quick!

I've also made a mid - year resolution to blog more. So more frequent, more witty posts shall follow soon.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Finito!

Last night at 10:30, I turned in my last assignment as a student at ECPI. I'm finished! The last 5 weeks have been absolute hell - I picked up extra hours at work, and I had to take an extra class to graduate on time. Work & school combined have taken up at least 60 hours of my week. So needless to say, today I'm doing absolutely nothing. And that includes not finishing this post...

Monday, April 24, 2006

Mazel tov to Bear

Everyone say a big mazel tov to Bear. Bear is my Russian Blue kitty. Not only did she celebrate her 17th birthday this month, she just got a fantastic check up at the vet today! Taking her in for her blood work always makes me nervous - you never know when the health of a cat that old will go south.

Mom is proud!

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Thrown Under the Bus

My internship is finally over! Thank G-d, I've had no time to do anything. Sunday is an 9 hour day at least at work, Mon - Wed I've been gone from 8:30 a.m. to 10:30 p.m. at an absolute minimum. After school, work, and internship, all I've done when I walk in the door is eat & crash. And of course I'm at my vacation home in downtown G'ville (a.k.a. Chip's apartment) most of the weekend. Yeah, my cats are pissed. Mom isn't home to snuggle much. This term I'm taking an extra class so I can get the hell outta there, so I'll still be busy as all get out. The proverbial light is at the end of the tunnel though - 5 weeks and I'm done!

So this internship was quite the experience. I ended up doing it at the call center that I've worked for over the last year. The first two and a half weeks I worked on some documentation (thank goodness I took a technical writing class) for a new software application they're about to release. I learned shortly after starting the internship that the second half I would be building a web based application. To give some background, us phone working slaves are "shopped" once a month. Our bonus money is determined by our score. They've been using good old fashioned Excel spreadsheets, but decided web stuff would be cool and up with the year 06. So I'm thinking, okay, easy enough, I'm just turning their Excel form into a web page, nothing to it.

So one morning, the IT Project Manager, the Operations Manager, two people from Quality Assurance and I have a meeting to figure out what all this web app needs to do. The Project Manager starts out by saying stuff about how this will be part of the software package that THEY ARE GOING TO BE SELLING. I'm sitting there thinking "It's going to be what? Sold?", probably totally bug eyed. Nice of them to tell me. Christ all frighty, I'm the intern, I have no idea what I'm doing! Then they tell me that the user has to be able to dynamically create their own shop forms. Then I'm told I have to write this thing in C#. This is a programming language I don't know, by the way. Of course, once you know one, you can learn new ones quickly, but obviously this is going to be a big learning curve. I've been totally thrown under the bus.


The good news is, this project is an awesome learning experience. They've offered to keep me on for the next 5 weeks as a contractor to continue working on it. There's a good chance I'll be hired on permanently once I graduate. Even if once the 5 week gig is up I end up not being hired, it's a great resume builder & will definitely help me find other opportunities.

It's the home stretch!

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Karl Denson Rocks!

Saw Karl Denson & the Greyboy Allstars in Asheville last weekend. He played at the 3 Rivers Music festival in Columbia a few years back w/ his Tiny Universe band, and Chip & I shook our booties like crazy. This weekend put that to shame. The floor at the Orange Peel was vibrating from everyone rockin' out. A few of Chip's friends joined us. One of the guys wife came out - I've talked to her a few times & thought she was pretty cool. Well, the whole time, she was glaring at everyone, turning her nose up in the air, and she never moved once. As in no head bobbing, no hip shaking, no nothing. How could you possibly be at a concert that was that energitic and not get into it the tiniest bit? In the immortal words of my Mum, "she's just too white". And uptight. Anyways, I had a blast! Check out Karl Denson on the web:
Karl Denson My Space

Monday, March 13, 2006

10 Weeks to Go!

Thank G-d that I'm done with the last two classes I had. I was taking a class in Linux that about drove me batty. Don't you love it when a teacher barely teaches and then tests you on stuff you never discussed in class? Needless to say, I made a B. I probably should be happy with my grade, but whatever, I'm ultra neurotic perfectionist and I want all A's dammit! I made an A in my Java class, but I'm over layout managers. Sorry, I'll get off of the geek speak now.

So today was my first day of my internship. Too bad half the department didn't show, so I followed around an alumni of my school for a few hours. Found out I'm going to be doing stuff way over my head and using languages I don't know and some new fangled AJAX thing that I don't know anything about either. It will be a good learning experience, I'm sure, and great for my resume. ("Duties included corrupting databases and breaking shit in general. Crashed entire system repeatedly. Said screw it and smoked cigarettes for the rest of the day...") Oh yeah, and they want me to do a bunch of technical writing too. I hope they know this isn't going to be done in 5 weeks, so they better offer me some fat salary & a job at the end of the term. Tomorrow the project planner guy is supposed to be there on time, so hopefully I will get all the gory details of what they have planned for me. I've noticed these guys come & go as they please so we'll see how this all pans out.

Later taters, time to pay attention in class!

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

STRESS!!!!

All right you guys, don't be mad if I slack on the bloggin' for awhile. The next 2 - 3 months are going to bust my ass. I'm counting down the days till graduation. Save the date - June 9th. I expect everyone to be there!

In 3 weeks I will be doing an internship in addition to my normal school & work schedule. I've got an awesome gig at the company I currently work for. My last 5 week term at school I've got to take an extra class since I'm one credit short of graduating. My advisor is hoping to find me a fluff class that I can take online, since I already have my advanced tech classes knocked out, but we'll see. I still can't figure out how I'm short, but whatever.

I've also got to work on getting my portfolio together & getting a website to showcase it. I should've been working on this before now, but my tight budget has prevented me from purchasing a domain & hosting, the free website hosting places suck, and I've been too depressed and scatter brained to even have the mental energy to do beyond the bare minimum to get through the day. If anyone has a suggestion for a domain name, I'm all ears. I could always register danagrueser.com, but since no one can spell my last name...

Whoo! Too much to do! But thank G-d, it's almost over!

Monday, February 13, 2006

Countdown to V Day

Tomorrow is Valentines Day. Woo hoo. I can barely hold back my excitement.

This has never been one of my favorite holidays, to say the least. When I was in school, it seemed like I never had a boyfriend on Valentines Day. Any other time of the year, but not then. So of course, at that young age, you end up feeling inferior if you don't have someone to share it with. My friend Brook blogged about the dreaded V Day cards you were forced to give to all your classmates. I remember that my Mum would always be like "What kind of crap is this anyways? You have to give a card to everyone?"

During my miserable four year relationship (or roommate-ship, more like it) with my evil ex, I would often think "hmm, maybe this year he will actually notice that he's supposed to do something nice." Never happened. The last V Day we spent together, I had recently given him an ultimatum to shape up or ship out, and he promised he would take me out someplace nice. Now, I knew I was leaving him no matter what, but I figured, what the hell, free dinner. So we go to the Olive Garden (yeah, he really used his imagination on that one), where they don't have a real smoking section. Word to the wise - don't take me somewhere I can't smoke or where the smokers area consists of 3 tables and it's "first come, first serve", so me and all the other cranky, grayish skinned smokers are fighting for the next free table, watching the poor people trying to eat like hawks until they get up. Everyone who knows me for more than a few hours should realize that you don't tell me I can't smoke and you don't make me wait to eat. Anyway, I digress. So I'm not enthused about the restaurant he's selected to begin with. Then his mobile rings, and he spends the entire dinner and the ride home on the phone. To be honest, I wasn't that pissed about the phone call - I didn't have anything to say to him anyway. The relationship had been dead longer than I wanted to admit, and it just affirmed my decision to leave. But what a rude thing to do at V Day dinner!

My best male friend has a flirtation with a girl that's started brewing over the last few weeks. He took her to lunch late last week and asked me if he should send her flowers for Valentines. I told him no, it was probably a little much. He changed his mind today and gave me hell for convincing him not to. I pointed out he asked the wrong person. A. Flowers make me barf. And sneeze alot. B. If you ever ask me anything along the lines of "should I share my true feelings for him/her', or "should I (insert sappy thing here)", or "should I take the next step in the relationship?", my answer will always be "no, are you kidding?"

This year, my boy & I are cooking at home. No crazy dinner crowds for us. We may walk downtown for a night cap, but other than that, I have no desire to deal with the outside world tomorrow evening. All Valentines Day is good for is forcing people to spend money and feign romance, or make those that are single feel lonely. As long as I get a good dinner and lots of sex, I'm happy. And that's no different from any other day.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Go Stillers!

Stillers are going to the Super Bowl! WOO HOO!!

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Sicky -poo

I did the unthinkable today & called in sick. I made it through class this morning (barely), then went home & slept for 3 hours. This was after 9 hours of sleep last night & a 20 minute power nap while waiting for the rest of the class to finish the midterm. I've been fighting a cold all week, and the energy drain finally hit me today. Sniffle, cough, wheeze...

I know I said I'd post some more pics in a few days like 2 weeks ago, but unfortunately I'm still old school & use film, & Chip had to take back the scanner/printer contraption I've borrowed for like 6 months. I'll try to post some this weekend.

The fact that I'm graduating in a few months is starting to sink in. I had an internship introductory meeting this week - I'm hoping to complete it at the company I already work for. I'm concerned because they want you to work 20 hours a week for whichever company they place you with, which increases my school related hours by 10 a week. Where I'm going to find 10 hours a week in my already packed schedule is beyond me, & I don't want to take just one class that term. I want to get this school crap over with so I can start making a real paycheck. Who knows, maybe I'll just have to give up sleep for five weeks.

On another note, I think my sister is about to hit puberty. She turned 11 in December, & I've noticed her hormones are everywhere the last few weeks. I've been wondering if it's partly sadness about Mum or the fact her father has been dating again, but she won't talk about it. She told me last week she's just been cranky for no reason, and she can't figure out why. PMS, maybe? I swear the world will come to an end if she ever gets a period. It's funny how fast kids grow up. I may sound old right now, but I remember holding my little brother and sister when they were first born. Now Jade is a preteen, and "Jimmers" is 18 and knows everything. Or so he thinks. Sorry, lil bro.

My depression issue has improved over the last few weeks. The holidays were a little sucky, but it wasn't as bad for me emotionally as I thought. The images of Mum's hospital stay have been troubling me less. I'm still seeing a counselor, which has been helpful. The only thing I don't like is how she keeps saying I need to not focus on the horror of Mum's death, because maybe it wasn't that bad for her. I understand it could've been much, much worse, but let's not sugar coat the last four weeks of her life just to pretend it was all good times. It seems like another form of repression and denial to me. I don't see a problem with facing the fact that her death wasn't pretty (when is it ever?) and that she may have suffered some or been uncomfortable. That's reality. But those of us left behind have to find a way to deal with it and move on, and at least she suffers no more. I still miss her like hell, and always will.

Speaking of family, my older sister finally called me. She called two weeks ago and promised to call again the following Tuesday, but I haven't heard from her again. No surprise. She used the excuse that she's been depressed lately and didn't want to bother me. Whatever. You don't go 5 months without calling your sister. I didn't argue with her much about it because I knew it was pointless, but I made it very clear I was hurt.

I really have nothing interesting to blog about, but I knew Brook would give me hell for not posting in such a long time, so there you go!

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Holiday Pics









Chip & Cosette
















Chip-a-roo & Me, New Year's Day

Welcome 2006!

My Dad left me a voicemail Sunday that said that this year has got to be better, since 2005 was kinda cucky. I can't say that the whole year sucked, but I hope that 2006 will be less emotionally traumatic. No one else is allowed to die this year, everyone hear that?

Chip & I spent New Year's Eve having kid-friendly fun with his daughter, Cosette. We had "adult" fun on Friday. Chip recently moved into a 2 bedroom flat that's only a block from Main Street in beautiful downtown G'ville. Our friends Mike & Christa came over for dinner, which consisted of stuffed pasta shells, organic mixed green salad, sautéed asparagus & peppers, and challah bread. Oh yeah, and a large bottle of wine, which was gone in no time. The four of us then walked to the Bohemian Cafe to see some band, had more cocktails, and stumbled our drunken asses back home. Somehow, probably due to extreme inebriation, we managed to lock ourselves out of the house when we took a smoke break. About 2 hours later, the locksmith shows. Needless to say, we were up until almost 5:00. Thanks to Mike & Christa for not only having AAA, but also for staying with us in the cold. Yes Dad, I'm aware that a 40-ish degrees is not really "cold" and it's probably like 15 or something in Pittsburgh. That's why I don't live there anymore. Other than the lock out, the weekend was a blast, and I imagine that the rest of 2006 will be as well.

Monday, December 26, 2005

Electronics & Gadgets & Music, Oh My!

I finally got an iPod. This is actually my first MP3 player, since I've been too cheap to buy one. Does this make me sound, like, so year 2000? My wonderful goy toy stepped up and got me the 4 gig Nano for a Christmaskah gift - kudos to him for knowing the way to my heart is not with jewelry & flowers, it's with gadgets. And food, let's not forget food.

I may not be bloggin for a few days, since it's going to take for...ev...er for me to get all the songs off my massive CD & MP3 collection on this damn thing. At least now I can go to the gym without my huge CD Walkman weighing down my yoga pants.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Silent Night


It just isn't the same without you here. Even Chip said it was more fun with you around, and how he missed your kindness. You weren't there to stuff us full of food ("You gotta eat more! I don't care if you're on plate three, you're wasting away! Here's some pumpkin pie..."), or share a glass of wine, or have another discussion about the pagan roots of Christmas, or kvetch & gossip about various family members.

A few times I felt your presence, and I hope that wasn't just wishful thinking. I want to believe you were there, watching over me, wiping away my tears as I left your grave today.

Merry Christmas Mum. I love you & miss you dearly.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Lights out!

Not having electricity blows. Here in the upstate of South Carolina, we were hit by an ice "storm" last Wednesday. I use the term storm loosely - while I'm aware I grew up in the Northeast, and therefore I'm used to blizzards and such, I don't see a need to have mass chaos over an inch of ice. That inch of ice has caused my home to be without power for 4 days. We may not get turned on until Tuesday evening. It's ridiculous! I can understand the fact our state doesn't have a lot of snow & salt trucks; there isn't really a need. But at least once a year, an insignificant amount of ice causes mass power outages that take days or weeks to fix. As many as 300,000 people were without electricity in the area. You would think they would figure out a way to build the lines so this doesn't happen, or at least so it would have less impact.

I haven't seen a single crew working over the last few days, & I've been all over town. I'm sure they're somewhere. All I know is that two of the major roads I take to get home have limbs strewn everywhere - it's a major obstacle course to navigate. There are plenty of other roads and interstates in the same state all across town. You would think they would at least avoid additional hazards by cleaning this up. Stop lights are inoperable through major sections of town. You would think in some of the high traffic, high accident areas, they would have police directing things, but no. Not only do you have to navigate around the various tree limbs, but there is one accident after another. I am thankful that my stepfather got his power back quickly, so I've had a warm place to sleep, unlike a lot of my friends and coworkers. Funny how if you live in the affluent section of town, you're power is back up in a matter of hours. My poor cats have had to stay alone & in the cold. I'll probably rough it tonight & stay with them at the house, heat or not, just because I feel terrible for them. Thank goodness for fur! I hope to have my power back up before Tuesday, I'm tired of living like a nomad.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Androgenization of Women

I have a beef with clothing manufacturers. What is up with women’s clothing? Sizing in particular. Everyone who knows me personally knows that I am very petite. I'm not quite 5' 3" and I weigh about 112 pounds. I'm small framed, small boned, small waisted, and I proudly have small boobs. What I do have is a butt & hips, like a woman should have. I also have very strong legs and therefore do not have scrawny thighs. It's not like I'm Miss Hippy Thunderthighs or something; I just have what I would consider to be normal curves for a woman. That being said, you would think it would not be impossible for me to find pants that I can get over my ass, jeans especially. I was just about to give up on finding jeans period, but Gap came to the rescue with their new "curvy" cut jeans, and they fit like a glove. Finally, I can sit down comfortably! Then I thought about it – why does someone who wears a size 2 have to buy “curvy” fit jeans? If I’m considered curvy, something has gone horribly wrong. Mishegas, I tell you!

For the last God knows how many years (probably ever since I finally got some curves when I went through my second puberty in my early twenties), I've had no luck finding jeans that will accommodate the miniscule amount of curves that I’ve been blessed with. Unless I want the waist to look like I just walked into one of the “after” pictures from a weight loss product advertisement. You know, the one where Miss Skinny-Minnie holds her supposed previous size out to there to show how with XYZ product, you too can look like an anorexic with an overdone boob job. If I found a pair small enough in the waist, I’d have to forget about moving otherwise. You know, simple things like walking or sitting. I find it very hard to believe that no other woman on this Earth has hips. Aren’t women supposed to be bigger in the hips than the waist? Isn't that part of what makes us attractive to men?

So why do clothing manufacturers insist on making women’s pants cut to fit little boys? Did I miss something in the evolutionary time line? Are women not supposed to have hour glass figures anymore? Are we supposed to have evolved past that? I'm proud of my hips & butt - hell, it's about the only curve I'll ever have unless I get a boob job. I’m blessed to be thin, but hell if I want to look like a shapeless, emaciated twig. I'm proud of the fact I can squat and leg press over 150 pounds and that I have strong calves and muscular thighs, not pencil thin legs. Isn’t there supposed to be a resurgence in the curvy woman? What about that Dove ad campaign? When are the clothing manufacturers going to get it through their thick skulls that even us tiny women can’t be as skinny as models? And why do we womenkind accept this unrealistic expectation?

Sunday, December 04, 2005

What the hell are people thinking?

Today I decided to visit Wendy's for lunch, and I witnessed some of the poorest parenting I've ever seen. I sat right in the middle of the restaurant, and to my left was a couple with 2 children that both looked to be under the age of 10. Now, keep in mind when I say they were sitting to my left, they are still clear across the room. A few bites into my burger, they start joking around very loudly about how Dad doesn't need Viagra, his "dick is hard enough". What on earth would possess you to discuss this in front of your small children? Do your kids really need details about your erection quality? A few minutes later, the boy child starts belching loud enough for everyone in the place to hear, repeatedly. And I mean over and over. All the while his parents are laughing and exclaiming, "that was a good one!" Needless to say, I quickly lost my appetite. I cannot for the life of me figure out what these people were thinking. How could you encourage your children to act like total barbarians in public, much less find it necessary to divulge sexual content to children who should still be innocent? I really wanted to walk by & at least make it known that the belching ruined my lunch, but I figured if these people were that incompetent as parents they wouldn't care. Plus they would probably turn it into a brawl or something. You never know what can happen in the deep South...

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Thanksgiving & Family Fun

I just got back in from a trip to Durham, North Carolina. My brother, sister, step father & I went to spend Turkey Day with my step sister. It sucked. It was 4 days of absolute hell. Holidays are going to be difficult this year, with it being the first year without Mum around, plus for whatever reason, whether it is real or imagined, I have never really felt like a part of my step family or that they want to truly include me.

I should have just stayed home. My cloud of melancholy was probably the main reason for my inability to enjoy the trip, but it started out on a bad foot as well. I was already hurt because I wasn’t invited until 2 weeks ago, which was over a month after the planning began. Only when my dear brother said “by the way, remember Dana?” was I invited. I was also upset at Thanksgiving dinner that we didn’t say our normal blessing, not because I missed the religious dissertation, but I thought it was inappropriate to not say something about Mum. Not only was it the first Thanksgiving without her, it was also the 4 month anniversary of her death. As the hours and days dragged on, I felt less and less like I belonged with the group, deepening my despondency and sense of loneliness. I felt like a withdrawn teenager, and I’m sure my depression was increasing my emotional sensitivity. I didn’t want the rest of the family to notice my discontent, nor did I really care to talk about my feelings or draw attention to myself (I’ve done enough of that in therapy), so I tried to hold in my tears. I had to run to the bathroom a few times when I became overwhelmed, but I don’t believe they were any the wiser. I'm sure increasing my isolation isn't a good thing, but I can’t say that I will bother to tag along on another family trip again for awhile.

My brother wrote a beautiful tribute to Mum on his blog before we left, you should check it out. I’m stealing a few pics from it myself!

Thanksgiving Tribute By James

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Bah Humbug

Oh joy. The Christmas shopping season has started. This time of year drives me nuts. Unfortunately, the town I live in has congregated all of the major shopping malls & stores into 2 roads that haven't been widened enough to accommodate the traffic. The on & off ramps from the interstates are backed up to infinity, no one remembers what it means when a light turns red or what turn signals are for, and a quick trip to Target has become an hour long nightmare. I'm over it already & it's only been a few days. Who knows how much road rage I'll unleash between now & Dec. 25th. Why is it so difficult for South Carolina drivers to just ... drive? They either drive way too slow or way too fast, they tailgate like mad (and if you get impatient behind me, you have serious issues), they can't merge, they can't figure out the rule about slower traffic keeping right. And why is it so hard to let other drivers know what the hell you're doing via turn signals? Just stay home or get out of my way.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Happy Birthday to Mum

Today would have been Mum's birthday. Today sucks right now...

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Master of Repression

I know that the public at large has been waiting with baited breath for me to post. What's it been, like a month or so?

Over the last month I've been buried in school work, busy as ever but accomplishing little. I've finally realized that I'm not dealing with my Mum's death or my relationship issues or everyday stress well at all. The depression that took hold of me when my breakup took place & deepened as my Mum lost her cancer battle will not let go of my psyche. I've resisted the urge to just retreat to my bed in bad sweatpants & messy hair & spend hours watching bad daytime TV, but just barely. I've decided it's time to get help.

So my stepfather, who's an executive at the hospital & well connected with all things medicine, referred me to a mental health facility connected with the hospital. They offer sliding scale fees for uninsured poor students like yours truly. Unfortunately, they had no appointments until late December, & I'm fairly sure by then I will be hiding in the bed. It took 2 days of leaving voice mails for me to find this out. They referred me somewhere else, who had an even longer wait. Depressed people tend to be a little on the irritable & frustrated side anyway, so getting the run around was extremely irritating. I finally got a counseling center to see me next Friday - hopefully they won't suck. I met with a woman from the hospital employee services division today (thanks to stepdad for getting me in), and I will have a follow up with her after my visit to the counseling center in case I need someone or something else.

After my whine session with the counselor @ employee services today, I realized something. My whole life, everyone has always said how "strong" I am because shit happens & I always pick up the pieces and move on in amazing fashion. I just keep going, throwing myself into work or classes or social activities or whatever. Maybe it's not that I'm strong or resilient, I've just become very skilled at the art of repressing emotions & burying them deep. The counselor made the comment that a lot of times friends & family will advise that you should "keep busy & get your mind off of it" when trying times arise, but sometimes pouring yourself into activities just enables you to forget temporarily. I've spent years & years doing this, & now that I've been dealt such a traumatic blow, I guess I've come to my breaking point. The week after Mum died, I was so ridiculously down that I was desperate to return to my normal life just to get my mind off of my troubles - the less I had to do, the more sad I got, & the more it kept hitting me that I was not emotionally strong enough to deal with it. I kept begging G-d to make the pain go away. So I buried myself back into school & work & whatever, and everyone who didn't know how sad I really was kept saying how well I was dealing with it. Actually, I haven't at all.

So how in the hell I'm going to deal with all this w/o using my crutch of a busy life is beyond me. As I begin the journey through therapy, I'm sure I'll have plenty to blog about, so you won't have to hold your breath as long for posts.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

I Love the General Public

Okay, I've got to rant for a second. Anyone who knows me well has heard me preach this before, but I firmly believe that everyone (& I mean everyone) should be required to work a commission sales job for 1 year, then wait tables for at least 6 months before they're allowed to get out into the real world. It should be a high school class or something. That way everyone would be nicer to those of us who have to deal with your crap everyday.

I've waited tables, I've worked in the mall, I've sold cars, & I currently work part time in a call center that handles leasing information for apartments. It never ceases to amaze me how downright uncouth people are. There's no need for it. I don't do any telemarketing where I work now, these people are calling me for information, but they're totally rude. Didn't you call me for a reason? Then shut up. When I waited tables before, I actually had someone leave me a Bible tract (for those of you outside of the south, it's basically a "you're going to hell!" propaganda pamphlet) instead of a tip, with a note saying "God takes care of those who give good service, so we know he's watching out for you." Are you kidding me? Maybe it's just my turn for it, but I've had more than my fair share of rudeness & hang ups today while I've been on the phones here at work, I'd I'm over it.

I'll shut up now...

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Too Much Fun for a Monday

I learned something Monday night. Never leave the house without your camera. In the last few weeks I've cussed myself out time & time again because a Kodak moment came & went while my Nikon was back at the house - Monday night was a perfect example.

My friend Rebekah had a going away party on Monday. She's moving back to Virginia to pursue her Masters. Some of the Viagra club from Addy's came, my roommate Mike joined me, & Rebekah's new man came along too. We started out at a sushi restaurant - by the time Mike & I arrived, everyone was already trashed. They'd been out less than 2 hours & they were acting like it was 1:00 a.m. About an hour later, the crowd moved on to an upscale seafood restaurant. I was thinking this loud of a group was probably not a good fit for a fine dining atmosphere, but everyone else was too drunk to care. I'd never been there, but realized once the desserts were brought that I've been missing out. The chocolate mousse & cheesecake was some of the best I've ever had, and let me tell you, I'm a dessert connoisseur. It was tasty enough to rival multiple orgasms - I think I may have actually had one. At one point the other girls decided to start eating desserts off each others breasts - this is when I started kicking myself for not having the camera. As the night progressed it became apparent I wasn't the only one turned on by the desserts -I haven't seen that much PDA since high school. One of the Viagra club boys kept saying "let's go get high", at least once every 15 minutes. I guess some people never grow up. As things got louder & more pornographic, I began to get the feeling that the cops were going to get called any minute, plus I had class early in the morning, so I bugged out around 11.

Rebekah had told me a few weeks ago that her new man was "a little older, like 30's". I found out Monday he's actually 41. Rebekah just turned 25 a few months ago, so I hope she isn't his mid-life crisis toy. I think Rebekah would be happier with someone older, but the cynical (realistic?) side of me says this won't last long after she leaves town. She has hopes of making the long distance thing work. At least it may get her back down to visit more often - it's going to suck now that the only girlfriend I have who lives close & hasn't been sucked into becoming one of the marrieds is moving away. But I wish her the best of luck, and hope her & her new boy toy are happy!

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Lessons For Finding Ms. Right

My good friend Rebekah took a bartending job at a downtown bar called Addy's for the summer & it has become a regular weekend hangout for me. I've also managed to garner a fan club there - I've dubbed it my Viagra fan club, since it consists of men over 40. No offense to the over 40 crowd, but I'm a little young for you guys. Not so much into the trophy wife thing.

One of my fan club members, Bob, is actually very sweet & fun to chat with. He also helps me fend off unwelcome suitors. Believe me, there are plenty of them. Being a redhead sucks sometimes - it draws attention, & I don't need men learing at me to boost my self esteem. Boys should know it's not polite to stare anyways. At least I don't have any cleavage to stare at. That brings me to Lesson #1: If you hit on a redhead, she doesn't want to hear some story about a redhead you used to date who was crazy in bed, or some joke about redheads and their tempers, or your redhead fetish, or some sappy story about how your ex or first love or whatever was a redhead. It's just creepy, & I've heard all of the above a million times.

One Friday night, this boy sends over a watermelon martini & a few minutes later sits in the stool next to me. He strikes up a conversation & starts asking what I do. I tell him about school & he proceeds to tell me he graduated from there a year ago & has had a lot of trouble finding gainful employment, then starts a tirade about how the school sucked. Lesson #2: Telling me your unlucky in the career department is not a good way to impress. I'm not looking for a sugar daddy, but ambition & career direction are important to me, & if you start out the conversation on a negative note by blasting my alma mater it turns me off. Angry boy is not what I'm looking for. Bob helped me get rid of him since he wasn't taking my not so subtle hints to bug off. Lesson #3: If girl loses interest & starts ignoring you & talking to other people, move on, & save yourself the trouble & further rejection. Maybe you can find someone more naive at the other end of the bar. Know when to call it quits.

A week later I went to another favorite downtown bar of mine, Sophisticated Palate. If you're ever in the Greenville area check it out. It's very quiet & laid back & owned by a nice Dutch couple with good taste in both wine & jazz. Great for people who are over the meat market. But I'm rambling off subject as usual. I went with my kinda ex/now friend/who the hell knows so we'll call him in limbo boy. The guy who hit on me at Addy's was sitting at the bar. "Why is that guy glaring at me?" asked in limbo boy. I told him the previous weekends events. "So what, you're like his terrioritory now?" I guess so, however that reasoning works. An hour or so later, in limbo boy got up to use the facilities, & as soon as he left, Addy's boy took his seat. What nerve! "I remember you from somewhere... didn't you go to ECPI college?" Without giving me time to answer, he says " I used to lecture there, I think you attended one of my lectures..."

"Actually, you tried to pick me up at Addy's last week & you said you were a student there & were having trouble finding a job if I remember correctly."

He turned away & protested "no, I used to lecture there, I wasn't just a student."

Lesson #4. Keep track of who you hit on & what bulls**t you tell people. Especially anyone within a one week time frame.

A few weeks later I attended a party thrown by a former coworker. We worked together in the car biz a few years back & we still get everyone together for shooting pool as often as possbile. She has been working for another dealership & invited some of her new coworkers. When 2 very young looking boys standing close by made eye contact & started walking my way, I assumed they were with the new coworker crowd.

Brown haired boy & blonde boy say hello & ask my name. Before any proper introductions, blonde boy asks if I'm with anyone. I answered yes even though I wasn't, and brown haired boy rolls his eyes & says "well I guess nevermind." Blonde haired boy says "well, maybe all isn't lost, we could at least make conversation." For christs sakes, you could at least make an attempt to appear interested in me as a person before you make it clear you just want to sleep with me. So blonde haired boy proceeds to "make conversation", but the attempt at feigned interest was poor. At one point brown haired boy walks away while blondie is still trying to converse, even though I've quit participating in this game a long time ago. Like from the moment they walked up, actually. Then he decides to give a sales pitch & overcome objections. Are you ready for this? He actually said " well my friend is a really nice guy, and I think you should go home with him instead." Oh yeah, I'm sold now!

Lesson #4: I'm pretty sure these guys got in with fake ID's. If not, they had just turned 21. For all you young boys out there, if a woman is in her late 20's or older and she's still single, she is going to be way to cynical for your bs. Don't bother. She will chew you up and spit you out. She will take one look at your fresh faced inexperience & nervous behavior and laugh. Then she'll tell all her friends & they'll laugh, then she'll blog about it & make the whole world laugh. You are way out of your league here. Lesson #5: Since I'm obviously older than your teenage friends and much more cynical, I'm not going to fall for "my friend is a nice guy, go home with him". Even a 15 year old should know better. If your friend was a nice guy, he wouldn't send you to do his dirty work & if you were a nice guy, you'd get better at conversation before you go in for the close. I'm not a prospect to be sold to. Lesson #6: If I say I'm with someone, that is a clear notice to politley excuse yourself & get the hell out of my face, even if you're not keen on subtle hints of disinterest. Reread Lesson #3 if you need further clarification.

Another thing for you boys out there to note. Every guy in the world has told us "you're beautiful" or "you're the prettiest girl in this place" or "hey woo hoo you're hot s**t" or whatever. Lesson #7: come up with something new, I beg of you. The best compliment I've ever recieved from a man was when he told me I was the most intelligent women he knew.

I'm not trying to be mean to all you men. I know it takes balls to talk to complete strangers. And maybe some of you are actually trying to find Ms. Right, not Ms. Right Now. I'll listen for a minute. And I admit I'm quick to judge, but I'm generally right. Some of you guys are just sad & creepy. In fact, at this point in my life, almost all men creep me out. Maybe all the non-creepy ones have married off already or have been sent to some remote island. It's all downhill to menopause from here.


Friday, September 30, 2005

Boogers

My friend Brook gave me permission to blog about this, so here I go.

We spent about 45 minutes on the phone this evening, and she tells me right before we finish the conversation that the entire time she's been trying to pick a booger out of her nose. And since her nails aren't long enough, she can't get it out.

Brook, you rock...

Thursday, September 22, 2005

People Suck

The last 3 months have taught me many valuable lessons about those that you consider friends. Unfortunately, it’s also deepened my cynicisms about people. I don’t care how busy I am, or who I’m dating, or what crisis I currently have going on – I do not forget my friends & family. If only everyone could do so. Time for some ranting, so please excuse me...

As I've mentioned in my previous post about the trip to PA, my older sister no showed & no called for the service. She's still MIA. I have not heard from her in over a month. I also didn't hear s**t from her the entire time Mum was in the hospital, although she supposedly had umpteen excuses for that. Mum was a very good stepmother to her & cared about her deeply, I can't believe she could be so callous about the whole thing. How do you completely abandon your own sister when there's a complete crisis underway? Like I didn't talk to her daily when she was separating from her husband. F**k her. If she had another umpteen excuses for not attending the memorial service, she could have at least made a phone call.

I've also been abandoned by someone I considered to be one of my best friends. My friend (who shall remain nameless because I'm still nice enough not to betray confidences) started distancing herself from me over a year ago, when her relationship with a totally worthless a**hole started getting serious. Well, let me rephrase that part about being serious - he promised her absolutely nothing & even left her twice to reconcile with his ex-wife, but she had visions of him being a soul mate. She went into a pattern of putting her life on hold for him & began the distancing process with everyone, even her own family. Why do people do this? Why does “serious relationship and/or marriage” mean “I must drop everything & everyone else”? Late last fall, she found out she was pregnant, the a**hole pressured her to have an abortion, but she was too far along. To make a long story short, during my last conversation with her, she was debating staying with him and whether to keep the baby or give it up. After that, she quit answering her phone or returning my calls. I ran into her at Wendy’s several months later – she was a month from being due & still hadn’t told her family, & said she had decided on adoption but she and a**hole were still together.

The weekend Mum died, I was desperate for someone talk to & called her. I left her a message, telling her Mum would probably not last another day & begged her to call me back. No word. A mutual friend saw her a few weeks ago & told her Mum had died. She acted like it was a huge shock & promised to call me the next day. Still no word. You’d think she could find it in her heart to call. It hurt me bad enough that she wouldn’t allow me to be there for her over the last few months, much less the fact that someone she considered a best friend for 10 years just lost their mother, and she could give a s**t . She had been talking about going to nursing school (since according to her bachelors in psychology had proved all but worthless, according to her) for months before she found out she was pregnant, but had stayed in a holding pattern in every aspect of her life since meeting the a**hole. How could someone so intelligent give up what could be such a promising life for some apathetic guy who barely works, leaves her for his ex, & is completely unsupportive when she gets pregnant?

To my sister – if you are either dead or in a coma, I can forgive you for being such an uncaring, selfish b**ch. To my nameless friend – you have absolutely no excuse for not at least making a courtesy “sorry for your loss” call. I’m sorry you’ve given up your life to live someone else’s.

On a nicer note…

Thank you to Brook, Chip, Rebekah, Mike J., and my Dad. You guys have totally been there for me, and it means so much.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Pictures that were held hostage...



My friend Brook, the photographer extradionaire, took these pictures back in 1999, when I was a very drunk bridesmaid in my sister's first wedding. Brook actually held these pictures hostage until I watched the Gilmore Girls season premiere Tuesday night & emailed her a full review. By the way, Brook's blog & website are featured links here. You should check out her work, she's a great photographer & has managed to put up with me since I was like 14 or 15. That's a long time to put up w/ me, just so you know!

I am ridiculously skinny in these pictures, not because I'm into starving myself, this was before I finally hit puberty the second time when I was like 22 or 23, like before I finally got an ass. I can't believe I was ever that tiny, I look like I'm about to fall over & die or something. Of course I think the waif look was cool back then. Anyhoo, I'll shut up now...

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Dear Bloggy #2

How do people manage to get on with it after losing someone? Will I ever stop replaying memories of the last few weeks of Mum’s life in my head? Staying with her in the hospital, especially her last 48 hours, was by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Watching someone die is such a powerful yet disturbing experience – I could feel the life just drain out of her in her in those last few moments. A little voice in my head was screaming at me to run out of the room, but I knew I needed to be there for her. Then her jaw twitched a bit and there was no more. Mum was finally free, and you could sense her soul filling the room.

The week Mum died, I fell into the deepest depression I’d ever experienced. After a few days, it was bothering me how down I was so much that it was making me more depressed. I kept thinking “I’ve got to snap out of this…I can’t lose it, I just can’t…” I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t function on a normal level, I couldn’t sleep or eat.

At least now I’m out of the wallowing, non-functioning phase. Now I’m just struck by random moments of emotional breakdown. A perfect example would be last Tuesday. I was cooking myself some lunch after school and just burst into tears. For Christ’s sake, I got totally farklempt over mashed potatoes & a turkey pita. It was totally ridiculous. Thank goodness my friend Brook is understanding and will put up with me rambling & whining for extended periods of time on the phone. I probably kept her on for over an hour. I almost cried twice on the way to work last week. I passed a funeral home Friday evening and immediately got a visual of Mum in her casket. It’s like everything & anything will remind me of her & the fact she’s gone.

Since she died, some have told me time will heal. Usually these are people who haven’t experienced the death of someone that close to them. People that have faced it have said I never will.

What if I don’t have time on my side? I cannot stand being an emotional mess. I have so many demands between school, work, and family; and so many perfectionist ideals I force upon myself, and I feel like I can’t fall apart, I’ve got to be strong for my brother & sister. I know that it’s okay if I do fall apart, it’s almost to be expected after what I’ve been through, but I just can’t let myself.

I’ve got to try to be strong.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Missing, Grieving...

On Saturday I went to Mum's grave for the first time since she was buried. I wasn't able to bring myself to go before now.

When Mum first passed, I was having a hard time dealing with the aftermath of her hospital stay. Especially the last 48 hours she was alive. I guess the only thing I could compare it to is when you see something really violent or disturbing, like a movie or something, and those scenes keep replaying in your mind over & over. I kept thinking about how on Thursday evening when I went to visit her (the day before she began her respiratory arrest), she kept asking me what time I would return the next day. I told her right after work, as usual, but she kept asking for specifics. She told me about these men that came into the room and that they were hanging off the ceiling, watching her. “I told them I was still alive & that they shouldn’t be here ‘till I was about to die…” Did she know that her time was up? More importantly, did she finally accept it? I guess she must have, because when they tried to give her oxygen that Friday, she jumped out of bed, pulled out all of her various tubes & needles and said “I’m done, no more…”

Over the last week I've been moving into the "missing" phase of the grieving process. The void of not having my mother here is becoming more & more apparent to me. It's like that aspect has been removed a few degrees from my consciousness. I can't just call & yack with her anymore, I can't have my once a week visit with her, she won't be there when I graduate, she won't be there for me if (big if) I ever do get married or have children. Everyone keeps saying that in a way she will be there, and I’ve felt her presence very strongly several times, but it's just not the same.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Picture of Mom & Jade


I'm working on a project for school right now where I have to make a personal webpage. Anyhoo, I had to scan in some pictures (since I don't have one of those new fangled digital cameras yet) & found this picture. It was taken in July or August of 1996. My Mom had just found out she had breast cancer (the first time around) and wanted a good picture before she lost her hair from chemo.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Jade


This is what my sister Jade looks like now, she's 10 years old. I took this right around Halloween last year. It makes me feel so old to watch her grow up!

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Trip to Pennsylvania

So the trip to Pennsylvania was a blast, although some family drama was mixed in. Of course, how could there not have been?

The first three nights I spent with my Dad in Pittsburgh. If it wasn’t so damn cold, I probably would move back there – Pitt has always been my favorite city. We spent Saturday walking around “dahntahn” (that’s downtown to all of you not up on Pittsburghese). Grueser’s can eat like no tomorrow & stay pencil thin, so we took advantage of that with a huge dinner at Max & Erma’s that evening. Had to replace all those calories we burned off walking!

The last two nights I spent in Greenville. My Grandpa Sam used to call Greenville, PA the “Garden Spot of America” – on the way into town my Dad renamed it the “A**hole of America”. That about sums it up. It’s nothing but a small, economically depressed hellhole, with absolutely nothing to do. We stayed at my Aunt Melanie’s house & had much to drink & ended up having an absolute blast. My cousin & I even reminisced about the time my Dad caught us sneaking up to Lawson’s convenience store where we were smoking cigarettes at the age of like 11 or something, & jamming to Madonna in the basement when she slept over.

Now to the drama. We had the memorial service for my mother at a Baptist church. This is the church my Mom’s stepsisters attend – my Mother was definitely not a Baptist. We have a crazy mish-mash of religious beliefs in my family. One of the chaplains at the local hospital where my Stepdad works did the service here in SC – he was a good friend of my Stepdad’s. Doug explained to him the religious beliefs of our family and asked him to keep it light on the preaching, & no references to Jesus or Father. The chaplain is Southern Baptist, but overall a pretty cool guy & did a great job respecting our wishes. The pastor back home looked at us like we were the anti-christ when we tried to explain this to him. I piped up at one point and told him that the chaplain had just said “God, Lord, or Our Creator”. “Do you not believe in the Trinity or Jesus dying for your sins?” was his reply. Yeah, sure, and I’ll make sure to tell everyone all about it at Synagogue next Friday. Doug finally backed down for fear he wouldn’t do the service at all. The pastor agreed to do what he could. Instead he spent the last 15 minutes or so of the service selling Christianity & saying things like “and I pray for those here who haven’t been saved by Jesus…” Oy vey. Mom was probably rolling in her grave.

So my sister, Meridith had promised to come home for the service. She moved to Chicago a few months back after breaking off marriage #2. We had been talking almost daily, but when I went through my break up, she dropped off the face of the earth. The entire time Mom was in the hospital, she never returned my phone calls. Finally, a week after she died, Meridith found out through some family back home & called me, saying she had lost her cell phone weeks earlier & hadn’t got a new one. Whatever. I told her off but decided to let it go. The day before I flew out she called to let me know she’d be there for the service, but since she had to deal with issues concerning her soon to be ex-husband & her mother, she would have no time to hang out with me. Again, whatever. I told her I’d call her with the time & location that weekend. She never called me back, never answered her phone the countless times I called, & didn’t show for the service. She still hasn’t called 2 days later. So as far as I’m concerned, f**k her. I was there for here when she needed me through her separation, yet I have what will probably be the worst 6 weeks of my life & she can’t even call. It never ceases to amaze me how inconsiderate people can be. She will face the wrath if she ever does bother to call. My Mom was an excellent Stepmother to her as well, and she obviously has no respect for that.

My Mother had 2 full blooded sisters, both of which have some mental, ummm, challenges. Well, nevermind trying to be politically correct. My Mom’s entire family (excluding step-family) is totally nuts. There’s always drama & so and so isn’t speaking to whomever & just a bunch of craziness. Complete white trash, let me tell you. One of my Aunt’s didn’t come to the service because she & Mom hadn’t really talked in years. Well you can’t hold a conversation with her because she’s completely lost her marbles. Let’s just say that cocaine, LSD, lithium, & schizophrenia don’t go together very well. Does it really matter anyway? When your sister dies, you go to the funeral for Christ’s sakes! My other Aunt showed up in a black tank top. Not a black, fancy, camisole type tank top – I’m talking about a wife beater. And shoes that could’ve passed for slippers & pants from 1980 something. Maybe she’s not into the latest fashions, but I think it’s common knowledge you don’t wear a wife beater & slippers to a funeral. Then she tried to explain to Doug (IN FRONT OF EVERYONE!) why the other Aunt didn’t show & how it was all very complicated &oh, by the way, was my Dad coming? I wanted to yell at her, but I do have some sense of appropriateness.

My Grandmother has been completely beside herself since Mom died, so I hope our visit cheered her up. She hasn’t seen my little sister or brother since we moved down south 10 years ago. She now has at least 25 cats in her house & like 4 or 5 dogs. There are literally cats on every flat surface. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my cats, but I think the 3 I have are too many. I couldn’t imagine 25. I went over there to meet her for dinner, walked into the house, stayed about 5 minutes, and said I would wait outside. It’s just nasty. Problem was you could still smell it out in the yard.

All in all, I had a blast, even with the family drama. I haven’t seen some of my family in 10 years, and it was great to reconnect. Good times, but I’m sure as hell glad to be back to sunny South Carolina, 500 miles away from all of that mess!

Friday, August 12, 2005

Dear Bloggy

Well, I'm about to leave for a fun filled trip to visit family in Pennsylvania. My aunt has organized a memorial service there so that her family could have a service to attend. My Mum's family was noticeably absent at the service here. Of course, that was fine with me. My maternal grandmother can get very hysterical and was completely stressing me out, I probably would've lost it if she had come down. She has recurrent theories about the end of the world and all that mess, & that was coming out in full force. "If Vesta dies I'm going to die, I'll have a heart attack if I have to get on a plane & then it will crash..." Blah, blah, blah. I wasn't really in the mood to listen to it anymore. I know having your daughter die is traumatic, but please don't upstage the event with your craziness. And have some empathy for those of us that are by her side while it's happening. Oy vey.

After reaching levels of depression I never thought possible the week Mum died, I have managed to pull myself together somewhat. I guess I've just been so busy with making up a massive pile of school work that I haven't had time to dwell on my emotional troubles. There's been a few times that I've realized things, like "this is the day I usually call Mum & gab for an hour...", or "I always visit on Wednesdays". I guess I will always have those moments of realization. The week Mum died, I picked up some film I had dropped off before she went into the hospital & had forgotten about with all the choas. I didn't realize until I started flipping through the pictures that there were holiday photos on that roll. That's some of the last photos of Mum. She looked even more aged than ever, I was shocked.

On a lighter note, I'm one year older now & have a few more grey hairs. I spent my birthday weekend drinking in massive quantities (well, massive for me anyway), attending my mothers funeral, and having a fabulous party that evening. What an odd way to spend a birthday.

Wish me luck on my trip back home. Hopefully there won't be any family catastrophes while I'm there!

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Tribute for my Mum

Mom, you are the strongest, smartest, and most resilient woman I know. And Mom, I know you didn’t want to go. I know you have fought so hard, & many times I’ve questioned how you could struggle for so long. You have been so much braver than I could ever imagine. You’ve been such an inspiration for me in more ways than you could ever realize, and I only wish now I could have told you. You’re fight for life was my source of encouragement when I thought I would never see a happy ending.

There are so many things I wish we could still talk about, so many future achievements I wish you could share with me. I will always miss those long phone conversations and weekly get togethers. I also know that in your own way you will always be there. This is a new chapter for us now, one where you gave me a bit of your final wave of peace so I could be there for you during your last moments, one where some things we just know & don’t need to say the words, and one where your strength will now be my strength. Although you are gone too soon, and it would’ve always been too soon, I feel blessed for the time that we did have and that you didn’t give up so that we could enjoy another day.

>> I read this at my Mum's funeral today. The service was beautiful & personal, just the way she would've wanted.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Link for Mum

Mum's obituary can be found here if you want to peruse:
Mum's Obituary at Thomas McAfee Funeral Home Website

Monday, July 25, 2005

The End

Mom passed yesterday (Sunday) at 6:30 p.m. Now she can finally be at peace. I feel blessed that I was there when it happened, as hard as it was to be strong.

Last Gasp

I sit here with my mother
Watching her suffocate to death.

Every breath a loud gasp,
her tongue swollen & bloody from dryness.

Before her next morphine dose she became restless.
She rolled over and threw her arms around me, clawing at my back.
"Ouch..." she painfully whispered,
Just like a child would say while showing mommy a freshly skinned knee.

Her only movement now is a violent jerk of her head upward with each gasp.
I watch her lips turn more white,
Her skin turn more blue.

I want to take the pain from her & make it my own.
I pray for her comfort & the end to come quickly.

Yet she still fights.
Hour after hour she drowns...

She doesn't want to go.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Last Days

We had some hope Mom would be able to come home. She was moved to a regular hospital room in the cancer ward on Wednesday evening and was still off the ventilator. On Friday afternoon, she began struggling more & more to breathe. They tried to give her an oxygen mask, but she kept ripping it off & also ripped out her feeding tube. We thought she wouldn't make it through the night, but it is now Sunday & she is still gasping for air. She is resting comfortably at least, thanks to morphine.

On Wednesday I went to visit her after work. Before I left, she shared one more of her hallucinations with me. She told me that a group of men had come into the room, but they were walking on the ceiling and just kept watching her. She told them they weren't supposed to be here yet. "I'm still alive," she said.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

"I Won't Even Look Like the Same Person..."

Mom is still in the hospital for those of you following the story. She is in the Cardiac Care Unit, intensively monitored by various machines and nurses. She was able to get off the ventilator yesterday. She can only whisper right now because her throat is very sore from the tube, and she's unable to swallow so she's still receiving her food through a tube in her nose. I'm very happy that she's breathing on her own, it gives me some hope that she can come home soon.

I'm beginning to wonder if I will ever be able to have a normal conversation with my mother again. I'm happy that she can at least talk to me, but she's very confused and disoriented. Most of her conversations have been about the various hallucinations she's been experiencing. She doesn't remember from moment to moment what's has been happening. At first, I thought it was amusing when she was telling me about "the weird s**t that goes on around here" & started describing what could only be a figment of her imagination. As I left the hospital today, I stopped smiling. I realized that even though it may be better for mom's mental state to be out of it instead of panicking like she was when she first came to, I would like to be able to talk to her like we used to. I hate to think that I never will.

I asked my step dad today if she was just experiencing side effects from the morphine and whatever else they had her on. His only response was that they had her on very low doses at this point so it probably wasn't the cause. I didn't get an answer on what the cause is.

One of the nurses taking care of her came in to say goodbye today. She told Mom she would be off until Monday, that she had really enjoyed taking care of her, and she promised to be back and that she hoped Mom was doing even better by then. "I won't even look like the same person when you come in on Monday, I promise," Mom told her, "you'll see."

Sunday, July 17, 2005

For My Chip - a - roo

You could never know how much it’s meant to me that you’ve been here
during my time of need

You could never know how much your friendship has comforted me
through my darkest days

How you always say exactly the right thing
and pick me back up when I feel like I’m about to break

I’ve prayed to turn back the clock and erase you from my life
wishing I never had the joy
Then I would never know this pain

But maybe that was your purpose
To give me a brief glimpse of peace
To show me there is more
To be there when I couldn’t go it alone

Friday, July 08, 2005

Visting Mom

Got back from visiting with mom a few minutes ago. It turns out she had a heart attack (a small one) yesterday, that's what caused her to take a turn for the worse. From the tests they've run, she's had at least one other in the last few months she didn’t know about. She is basically in congestive heart failure now, but they aren't able to really treat it with medicine because her pulse is too high & her blood pressure is too low, & the medicines available would make those worse. I guess her heart giving out is a less painful way for her to go than some of the alternatives, so I'm somewhat grateful.

They have her on the good drugs so she's not very alert, but she did come to for a short time while I was there. It was pretty horrible. She opened her eyes for a moment when I first said hello. I sat with her for awhile and just talked to her. My step dad came back in the room awhile later, we were supposed to leave, the nurses needed to do whatever. When we turned to go she grabbed my hand tightly and her eyes were wide open. She was in total panic, shaking her head & trying to mouth something. It looked like she was trying to say “no, no.” I tried to comfort her & tell her she needed to rest & calm down so she could come home, that we wouldn't leave her alone & she would be okay, she was doing much better today. She just kept slowly shaking her head. I finally left her when her next dose of morphine kicked in.

I'm pretty shaken right now. I would hate to be in her shoes, terrified & unable to talk, not knowing what's happening, knowing you're going to die & that you may never be able to say those last words. I just hope she doesn't go in the middle of the night without us there for her. As much as I don't want to watch her die, I know it would give her some comfort if at least one of us was there.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

The Brave Fight

Many of you who know me personally are aware that my mother has been battling terminal breast cancer. Nearly three years ago, they gave her a year or less to live. Her response has been "screw you, I'm not giving up." I remember last year when one of the vertebrae in her back collapsed from cancer eating away at her bones, no one thought she'd make it, much less walk again. She was up and at 'em within a month. Many times we’ve thought the end was near, and she miraculously has bounced back to fight on another day.

Over the last few months, my mother has been on a very strong chemo that has had a great deal more side effects than her previous regimen. She’s been unable to truly live much of what little life she has left during this time. I call almost every day to check on her, and most of the time she’s too tired to talk or already asleep. When I come over to see her, she’s barely able to just sit up in her bed and have a brief conversation. Of course she’s been depressed and stir crazy. She told me a few weeks ago she was watching this show about mysterious deaths and autopsies on Discovery Health. This guy was found dead in parking lot of a hotel in a pool of blood. Everyone thought he’d been shot, but there was no bullet wound. The autopsy revealed a cancerous tumor had invaded a major artery and he just bled out. I told her not to watch that stuff. “I’m afraid, Dana. I don’t want to go like that, I can’t die that way…” What could I say to her? My step dad bought her a new car a few weeks ago and she hasn’t been able to drive it. I hated to ask why he bought it for her when it has been obvious she won’t be using it. I guess he thought she’d bounce back again, as always.

Now it seems she is losing her absolutely inspiring battle. She was admitted to the hospital yesterday, and had to move to the Intensive Care Unit today. Her tumor has invaded her lung, her lungs are filled with fluid, and she is unable to breathe without assistance from a respirator. If she’s strong enough, they will drain the fluid from her lungs tomorrow and hopefully send her home soon. Once there, her doctor has recommended she discontinue her chemotherapy treatments and just accept hospice care to keep her comfortable until the end. My mom has been taking chemotherapy almost continuously for over a year, hoping to stick around awhile longer. It seems that there is no longer a point to continuing treatment. I’ve been questioning how much more she should take for a long time.

She may not make it through the night. If she does, she will probably not make it to my birthday in a few weeks. Today I went to visit her in the ICU, and it hit me hard that Mom is going to die. I’ve been aware that my time with her is limited for many years now. I thought I had accepted the fact, but it doesn’t make it any easier when it actually comes to fruition. I guess I imagined she would just fade away, possibly dying peacefully in her sleep one night. I never thought that the gory stories of how cancer actually kills you would happen to her. I never imagined seeing her in a hospital bed, quiet, still, unable to recognize I’m there with her, and looking so small. It’s like it’s not the Mom I know in that bed. I looked at old pictures of her some time ago, and it struck me how much she aged in just a year after her first battle with cancer 10 years ago. People used to think we were sisters, even with a 26 year age difference. In a way, now she looks as if she’s already gone. This strong willed woman is now dependant on a machine to keep her alive. Today, she was still fighting, yanking the tube out and telling the nurses she could do it herself. Too bad she can’t…

Monday, July 04, 2005

Fluffy Girls

"If only you would've been around ten years ago. I would've searched you out." The love of my life who has recently become an ex said this to me a few weeks before we confessed our feelings for each other. During the time we dated, he told me I was the strongest, smartest woman he had ever met, that he appreciated my independence, the fact I let him live his life & understood him, the fact that I was the antithesis of his ex-wife.

So what's the problem? If I' m so great & everything he wanted & had been searching for, why am I not the one?

During one of my many moments of complete emotional melt down over the last two weeks, a mutual friend of ours pointed out that even though we had a wonderful relationship & tons of connection on every level, marriage & life together forever took more. "Maybe there's just a small part that doesn't synch up on his end," he said. Of course, this makes no logical sense to me. I still don't understand what's not clicking. How could someone decide you're not the one when everything seems so perfect? Don't misunderstand my train of thought - I'm not taking blows to my self-esteem or doubting my worthiness because I'm not the right one for him. I'm wondering because I'm a friggin' catch, & he will be hard pressed to find another woman like me.

My aunt is my personal pillar of cynicism. I called her a few days after the breakup for a good old fashioned kvetching session. "The problem is that you're not a fluffy girl." I protested, explaining how he always said that he loved the fact I wasn't. "Men always have the best relationships and greatest loves with non-fluffy girls. That doesn't mean they want to marry them - they almost always marry a girl who's completely the opposite of their supposed ideal. Therefore, they marry a fluffy girl." She went on to explain that men want to feel taken care of & they can't stand being threatened by an intelligent, independent woman. "This is why I gave up on dating years ago," she said, "I'm over that s**t." My aunt went on to say one of two things would happen. Within six months or so he would date a fluffy girl. Someone probably very much like his ex-wife. He'd either marry her & or realize what he'd lost with me & come running back. The question would be if I'd be willing to open my heart to him again if he did. "Well, if he marries someone like that, then screw him, he deserves to be miserable," I said.

After we finished our call, I realized how right she was. I thought about how many of the guys I'd dated had tried to control me or mold me into a fluffy girl. Numerous male friends over the years had said to me "any guy would be so lucky to have you, you're like a guys type of girl, you're so laid back & independent, not like the controlling, irrational type..." Of course none of these guys ever asked me out, they continued their miserable existence with their fluffy girl. So am I not marriage material because I refuse to be fluff? Are men really looking for a mother replacement? Are they so threatened by being with a woman who doesn't truly need them that they'll settle?

I discussed the fluffy girl theory with my father. Dad is one of the few men I know who shuns the fluffy type, preferring mental connection as opposed to one that's purely physical. "You could be right, but he doesn't seem like the type from what you've described. I think he just got too serious about you & freaked out. Maybe he's got something holding him back from being emotionally capable of accepting your love. Like he's afraid of happiness or doesn't think he deserves it." Do I really want to be with a man who's emotionally immature and incapable? I had plenty of emotional demons before he came into my life, but I exorcised them because I thought it was worthwhile to give him a shot. I told Dad that maybe I just needed to accept my fate as a spinster. Before I met The One, I never imagined myself marrying anyone, and I was intent on guarding my emotions to protect myself. I had accepted the fact I'd probably never meet anyone who would light my fire enough to make me reconsider & become one of them, and I had learned the hard way it wasn't worth it to settle just to avoid being alone. Being without a boyfriend didn't bother me, I truly enjoyed the freedom my single life afforded me.

I told Dad about a forty-ish man who had tried to pick me up at a bar the previous evening. "I never get hit on by men my age unless they're creepy pervs, it's always the old guys. What's the deal?" I asked. "Guys in their twenties & thirties are usually intimidated by women who are smart. They'll go for the bimbo instead," he explained. "How in the hell do they know I'm smart if they haven't even talked to me?" I asked. "I call it brain-dar. They just know," he said. Dad informed me that it was a similar phenomenon to gay-dar. I guess it's a way to weed out the non-fluffies.

I remember a former co-worker of mine made the comment that I'd be a perfect wife as soon as I was tamed. I asked what he meant by that & if it was related to his religious or cultural beliefs. He was very Southern & very Protestant. He said I was just too independent & too wild, nothing to do with culture. Sorry to inform the bachelors of the world, but if I have to be controlled or tamed to be suitable wife material, I'll accept my spinster fate. If I have to lose myself to be with someone else, it's not worth it. I will not be a piece of fluff. So I guess that is my kismet.

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Picture Perfect

I gave my heart and soul
Once.

I pictured it perfect, the love I had never wanted
Had never dreamed of
Could never accept

You were my best friend
We were so happy just yesterday
the laughter, the friendship, the passion…

We were picture perfect.

I was the love of a lifetime
I was everything you ever wanted

You said I was

I tried to be, I wanted to be for so long

Now you are gone…I’m not the one for you, you say
How could I not be?
How could you walk away without a care
After you finally opened your heart to me?

I let you in because I believed
I hoped
I dreamed
for the first time in a lifetime

I believed you were truthful when you said it
Now I just feel naïve

Why did I accept you
why did I open my heart to you
why did I believe?

I can go on without you
I can be alone

But I hate to think of life without you
Without hearing your voice, your laughter,
consumed by the passion you had for me

No hope in my heart for the picture perfect…

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Warning!

Warning! Crazy broken heart on the loose! You will probably notice a lot of depressing, sappy break up musings for awhile. Sorry in advance if I make anyone vomit. We all know how much losing someone sucks though.

Two weeks ago tomorrow I lost the man of my dreams. We were together nearly 3 years and he just walked away like it wasn't a thing. He changed my entire view on marriage, happiness, children, all of the above. He was not only my dream man, he was truly my best friend and probably one of the most important people in my life. But I guess in reality he was just an a**hole like the rest of them.

Oh well, guess I'll just go back to the bitter cynicism I was content with before he came along. Cheers to broken hearts & loneliness!

Monday, June 27, 2005






This is a picture of me downtown, summer of 2004. My little brother, James, took this picture.






Here I am again!