Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Watch Me Grow

Oh what a differnce 9 weeks makes.

18 week bump:



27 week bump:





I feel pretty freaking huge. In reality, I know I may not actually be the fat ass I think I am, but I never thought I would see numbers like this on the scale. I feel guilty for even caring - intellectually, I know that pregnancy = weight gain. I realized that when the plus sign came up on the test (all 5 of them), when my belly started rounding in the 1st trimester, when I started going back for seconds and thirds at every meal. Including dessert. But it's different when it actually happens. I thought I would feel womanly & glowly throughout my pregnancy, but most of the time I feel like a waddling cow.

Good news is I actually like this picture. Chip took it right before we headed out for a much deserved date night. We had a great time - I'm lucky to have him as a father & soon to be husband.

Gotta run for now. Ari has started kicking, which must mean it's time for ice cream.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Best Week Ever



Sunday: Steelers, fuck yeah!




Monday: 20 week ultrasound. We're having a boy! I'm officially halfway through my pregnancy too.



Tuesday: YES WE DID!

My first bragging point as a new parent is that my unborn son helped volunteer for Obama in the womb. Yup, destined to be a bleeding heart, tree hugging liberal just like Mum & Dad.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Knocked up...

Yup, been forever since I posted yet again. Here's what's going on with me:

4D Ultrasound pics showing baby @ 12 weeks:





Pictures of me taken last week - showing off my 18 week bump:



Next week we'll have another ultrasound & hopefully find out what if this baby is a he or she. Until then, I'll post more pregnancy hormone induced emotional rants. Enjoy!

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Tolerance

One of my former coworkers, who worked on the original project at the Super Big Corporation Who Shall Remain Nameless with me, sent me a congratulatory email on the new gig today:

"I am, quite frankly, in awe of your bullshit tolerance abilities. They are clearly epic."

Hell yeah.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Officially a Spinster

So my Grandmother calls tonight "just to chat". She asks a lot of questions regarding my safety - like if I bring my phone when I walk Rite, am I careful where I walk him, do I make sure my doors are locked? Uhh, yeah, especially since I live blocks from the ghetto.

So we're finishing the conversation & she mentions that she is going to start calling more often just to check on me, because since I'm all by myself, something could happen, and no one would even know. Yup, I'm alone. Thanks for the reminder.

Hey, have you heard that one about the single cat lady who died in her apartment, & no one knew for a week, during which the cats ate her face? Hilarious story...

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Furkids


Rite's new friends at Frick Park.


Big smile!


My boys.

Monday, August 13, 2007

My Dev Peeps




I finally got my most recent roll of film developed. This is from my last day at Level One. I miss my Level One people a lot. I've got some Photoshop work to do, after that I'll be posting some more pics of the furkids.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Crazy Go Nuts

Yup, it's been 2 months and 6 days since I last posted. I'm a slacka, I know. Actually, it's been crazy go nuts in Dana - land. Over the last two months, I've been to San Antonio, Texas for my brother James's boot camp graduation; James also came home for the holidays, staying with us for a week; Chip & I moved into our first investment property the week after Christmas; 3 weeks before we moved, the landlord screwed up our internet connection, so I couldn't blog anyways; work has been crazy; and oh yeah, Chanukah & Christmas festivities too.

James did indeed make it through basic training for the Air Force. Watching his graduation brought bittersweet tears to my eyes - while I disagree with our current Administration & don't like the military industrial complex our armed forces have become, I am proud of my brother & excited about his future. He will be home again in March or April, & then he'll head off to Ramstein, Germany. Most likely, he will do a tour of duty in Iraq or somewhere nearby, but his permanent base will be in Germany for at least two years. I'm sure being overseas will be an eye opening experience for him.

This will be week four in our new home, & there are still boxes piled up in the garage. Hopefully the last few will be unpacked and/or shifted into a neater pile by the end of the week. Chip & I have been talking about investing in real estate for four years, & now our dream is finally reality. We plan on buying several more properties to flip over the next two years, & we will most likely stay in our current home until those are sold.

Time to feed the zoo & go to bed, so I'll sign off for now. I'll try to post again before another two months goes by.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Tales from the Animal Kingdom


Sure smells tasty!



I took this picure with my camera phone, so yes, it sucks, but I had to capture the moment. My kitty, Gabriel, has finally figured out that Rite isn't going to eat him. Gabriel has been very curious about Rite, but very cautious. He'll occasionally sniff Rite's tail or paws, but for the most part he's kept his distance . Well, after we returned from our evening walk this past Monday, Rite took his usual prone position on the living room floor. Gabriel immediately ran up & started sniffing all over him. I do mean all over - he crawled up on him to smell his torso, he sniffed his paws, and he even got right up in his face and was even sniffing his mouth. Rite just lay there the whole time, barely noticing. Gabriel continued his sniffing mission for at least 15 minutes, then he crouched next to him & stared for awhile. I can only imagine what was going through his mind as he looked inquistively at our 80 pound, 45 mile per hour couch potato. "Can I eat it? No, it's too big. Can I play with it? No, too big for that too..."

By the way, sorry to disappoint all you Kismet fans out there (yup, all 2 of you) with my lack of posts recently. Life has been quite busy - Chip & I are about to purchase our first investment property, work has been crazy go nuts, I've been volunteering for the Greyhound rescue group, & I've had another attack of the bird flu as well. Next week, I'm flying to San Antonio for Jimmy's boot camp graduation, so this should provide me with some blog fodder.

Stay tuned!

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

And he grows up and he grows up and he grows up...

Lil' bro James is off to be all he can be. Actually, I think that was an 80's Army slogan, not Air Force.

Two Fridays ago, James called me a few time in fairly quick succession, but I was knee deep in broken code at work & my project manager was looking over my shoulder, so I didn't answer. Finally, he sent me a "no really, this is actually an emergency..." text message. James was supposed to ship off for boot camp in December, but a week & a half ago, his recruiter called & said "hey, you wanna leave Monday? Yeah, really, like three days from now". One of the other recruits that was scheduled to leave this month missappeared, so James was offered his spot. He was pretty well set on going, but wanted my advice first. Of course, as much as I hated for him to leave so soon, I knew it was the best thing for him.

Of course my Jewish mother instincts are kicking in, & I'm worried sick about him. What if he doesn't make it through basic? What if he gets injured? What if the plane crashes on the way there? I'm sure he'll make it through, do very well, and that the plane won't crash. But I've never gone more than a few days without talking to my brother, and now we'll have nothing but infrequent letters for the next 7 weeks. After basic training, he'll go to tech school for 4 - 6 months, and after that, who knows which base he'll be on. So I had better get used to James being away.

My therapist once said that with Mum gone, I would need to take her role as the family matriarch, for my own emotional health & for the kids. After moving from Pennsylvania to South Carolina, Mum became the anchor of our odd blended family, and there has been a gaping hole left in the wake of her death. I've thought about the musings of my therapist a lot over the last few months. With James growing up & leaving the nest, and Jade turning into Miss Hormonal I Hate Everything Preteen, I am at a total loss as to how to be the family anchor. I'm barely used to Mum's absence, and now I have to deal with James being away as well. With the age differences between us, I've always been like a 2nd mom to James & Jade, so it warms my heart when they look to me for guidance, but it's hard to watch them face life's trials and grow up.

As difficult as it's been to let James go off into the big, bad world & lead his own adult life, I'm excited about the opportunities for my brother. I hope that he finds success & fulfillment, and most importantly, I hope he doesn't make the same mistakes his big sis' did.

P.S. If you can figure out the obscure movie reference above, you get an A.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Cat & Dogs & Boyfriends, Oh My!

Yeah, yeah, I haven't blogged in awhile. I've been super busy with work & moving over the last few weeks. After four years of being the super duper commitment phobic couple, I moved in with Chip about two weeks ago. Not only is this a merging of furniture, it's a merging of pets. We've got quite the zoo over here.

I brought Bear & Gabriel over first, figuring I'd let them settle in with Rite before I brought Wes over. Wes is an alley cat I rescued a few years back - someone abandoned him, and he ended up hanging out on my patio. For 2 months, he stayed there, with me refusing to feed him or take him in. As sorry as I felt for him, I knew taking in another cat was not a good idea. I tried to find a home through the local rescue groups, no kill shelters, friends & coworkers. Of course, with him already being about a year old, no one wanted him - everyone wants the cute kitten. Finally, an ice storm hit, & Wes was sitting on my patio with ice hanging off his whiskers. Of course, I couldn't leave him outside to freeze.

Unfortunately, Wes wasn't neutered when I found him, & he was aggressive towards Bear & Gabriel. At one point, he left a 3 inch long gash on Bear's abdomen that required antibiotics. After he was neutered, he calmed down considerably, even making friends with my Mum's cats while he was there for a few months during my transisition into academic life. Bear & Gabriel have never forgotten though, so I've always kept him seperated from them, either in his own room or outside. It's not the best situation for him, but I figure it's better than the dangers of alley cat life.

Rite came to us pretested for kitty friendliness = some Greyhounds have very high prey drives & cannot be around small dogs or cats. Rite had four kitties in his foster home, and has even made friends with some cats around the neighborhood. I was more worried about how the kitties woud react to Rite then his reaction towards them. Gabriel is a very shy kitty & easily stressed, so I fully expected him to hide under the bed for at least a month once he realized there was an 85 pound dog in the house. To my amazement, he was even more brave than Bear. The first night, we put up baby gates and set them up with their own "safe area". The next day, I put Rite in his crate & let them explore the rest of the house, so they could get used to Rite without feeling threatened. Gabriel was the first one to venture near the crate - he carefully creeped across the living room, tip toeing like a panther about to sneak up on prey, and stuck his nose in the crate to get a good wiff of Rite.

Bear, Gabriel, & Rite have been living in harmony ever since. Bear quickly claimed her spot as Alpha of the house, as usual. Rite cowers if she hisses at him. They're still getting used to living with a dog, but every day they get closer to their normal routine. Gabriel still hasn't curled up in bed with me yet (Rite sleeps next to the bed), but I'm hoping he will soon. He has enjoyed sneaking up on Rite while he's sleeping & sniffing his paws or his nose, or just watching him - he is definitely the curious cat.

Wes is coming home this week, but I've been trying to find him another home. Wes has never received the attention he deserves, & I know that he'll receive even less now. Two cats & a dog is enough of a zoo, & adding a kitty that has to be kept away from the other cats will be a struggle. Unfortunately, I've faced the same problem I had when I first found him - it's about impossible to find an adult cat a home. As much as I hate to give him up, I know it would be better for him to have a home where he could get more affection. The Humane Society is not an option though, since I know he'd probably end up being put down, so I'll keep him until a suitable home is available.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

My Summer Vacation

August was a family filled month for me. My sister, Meridith visited from Chicago for 4 days, and Chip & I took a trip to Pittsburgh to visit my Dad & Grandparents. I used up quite a few vacation days, but I really needed it.

Meridith & I had an absolute blast while she was here. We've always been very close, but we've rarely seen each other since I moved down South. Most of the time it's involved her getting married, so wedding plans have interfered with time to just hang out & relax. Meridith has dreamed of embarking on a real estate career for some time, and is considering relocating here to make it happen. I hope she can - I need another Yankee girl to hang out with. Poor Chip was probably in a state of shock & embarrassment most of the time she was here - my Southern bred boy is barely accustomed to me after 4 years of dating, much less two loud, foul-mouthed, gregarious Yankee girls at once. One night, we were even admonished for being too loud in a bar. Yes, you read that correctly, in a bar. Monday night is Jazz night at the Handlebar, one block from Chip's apartment. Shortly after ordering our second round of drinks, our server told us that we needed to keep it down. "Are you fucking kidding me?!”, I questioned. Turns out the boss man was sitting at the table behind us & thought we might be disturbing people who actually wanted to listen to the music. While attempting to affect a prim Charlestonian accent, Meridith called several friends to tell them we had not been acting like proper, demure Southern ladies.

Speaking of culture shock, our trip to Pittsburgh was Chip's first adventure above the Mason Dixon line, and the first time he's been to a "bee-ig ci - tee". As we crossed the Penna border, I could feel my heart quicken with excitement. As much as I love Southern weather & the low cost of living, I'll never feel completely at home. I miss the Northeast - except for the cold, snowy winters, that is.

Pittsburgh driving was a big shock for Chip. He’s always commented about how I drive like an asshole, & he used to cover his face whenever I beeped at someone. It's considered rude to use your horn down here, so when Chip heard horns blaring & people yelling out the window at other drivers, he was bug eyed. He also found the total disregard for posted speed limits amusing. In contrast, South Carolina actually has minimum speeds posted on the interstates.

Dad wanted to see his new grandson, so we brought Rite with us. Greyhounds are aptly nicknamed the 45 mile per hour couch potatoes, but Rite does enjoy a half speed round of laps around the house in the morning & early evening. Well, somehow he caught a stray thread from the carpet in one of his back claws and ripped the claw completely out of the nail canal. Rite was unfazed & just kept playing, splattering blood everywhere. Greyhounds are generally very healthy, but they have a few idiosyncrasies, one of which is a predisposition to hemophilia. The rescue groups will tell you to find a vet with Greyhound experience to be on the safe side. Luckily, we found a vet that had experience with Greyhounds about 10 minutes away. She patched him up with styptic powder, antibiotics, and a big wrapped bandage. Chip & I were thinking how lucky we were to escape with a $25.00 bill – we figured we would be in for at least $100. About halfway back to Dad’s apartment, we noticed Rite was bleeding through the bandage. Back to the vet we went. She patched him up again & told us she would be open until 8:00 if it happened again. Sure enough, at about 5:00, Rite started bleeding. We called the vet back, & were told she was now totally booked and that we’d have to take him to the emergency vet. So much for keeping the vet bill low.

We ended up spending over four hours at the vet’s office. During our wait, I discovered something – Ewoks are real animals. Shortly after we arrived, a woman came in with her pet, and I swear it was an Ewok. The receptionist tells her that all animals must be kept on a leash or in a carrier. With her nose in the air, the woman says that her dog doesn’t belong on a leash, she’ll just hold him. She carried him around like a baby the entire four hours that we were there, and she was still carrying him when we left. This also proves my theory that it was an Ewok, not a dog – I don’t know too many dogs that will be perfectly still & silent for that long. At one point, she walked by Rite & petted him, making comments about how “maybe your Mommy & Daddy should pay you more attention, that’s why you want me to pet you.” Sorry lady. I probably have one of the most spoiled dogs in the world, but since he weighs 85 pounds, I can’t carry him.

So after $320 & an overnight stay, Rite’s wound finally clotted, and we were able to bring him home. Thankfully, the claw fiasco didn’t put too much of a damper on our fun – we went to a few clubs, rode the Incline for some great views of the city, & Dad took us on an all day walking tour of downtown. We had planned on driving to Greenville, PA (otherwise known as BFE) to visit my Grandmother on Tuesday, but because of Rite’s injury, we had to go Thursday instead. This ended up putting us several hours behind schedule to begin the journey back to Greenville, SC, but we didn’t think it would be a big deal. Well, there was a huge wreck involving a semi right on the West Virginia/Virginia border. We ended up stuck for nearly 3 hours. By the way, there are some scary people in West Virginia. We stopped for Wendy’s at one point, and I overheard a husband (with a bad mullet) and his wife (with a bad scrungie) joking around, and he said to her “don’t chu be sai-yin’ that no mo’, or I’ll kut – cha.” Yup, dude just threatened to cut his wife. We didn’t get back to SC until nearly 4 a.m., and poor Chip had to work the next day.

I took a crapload of pictures while on vacation, but unfortunately, due to a combination of camera issues & operator error, most of them came out like garbage. I’m going to try & rescue a few with some Photoshop magic, and I’ll post them once I’m done. I was hoping to have some fantastic photos that would be frame worthy, but no such luck. Unfortunately, I still use a film SLR. It may be time to spend some gelt on a new digital SLR.

I know with the dog emergency & traffic delays, it seems like the trip sucked, but I had a great time. We’re planning on another trip up next summer, and I can’t wait.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Furbabies


Caught you napping! Bear, my 17 year old Russian Blue, & Gabriel, my 6 year old Birman.


Bear strikes a pose.


A bad picture of me, but a good picture of Rite.


Walking the dog.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Weird & Random



Okay, these pictures suck because they were taken with a camera phone, but they illustrate that you should never leave home without a camera of some sort.

If you look closely at the piece of posterboard on the chair, it says "People's Chair. Chair of the folks. By Jackson." This chair was sitting on the sidewalk right on Main Street in downtown Greenville last Friday evening. Weird shit, man.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Slightly Melancholy Birthday

I've heard it said over the years that the older you get, the less birthdays matter. I've never believed this would be true for me - I've always treated my birthday like a national holiday. Every year, I have a big party, and up to 30 people have come to celebrate. Last year, Mum died 5 days before and we held the funeral the day after my birthday, so I wasn't exactly in the mood to celebrate. I thought this would be an aberration from the norm, but maybe my birthday will just never be the same.

I can't kvetch about the day overall. I had a great yoga class in the morning, took a nap with the kitties, took the dog on a nice walk in the park, and had a party at Barley's downtown. Not as many people showed for the party as what I would've wanted, and it seems as though less people attend with each passing year. But I'm thankful for those that did, and a good time was had by all. The fact that my brother forgot my birthday yet again hung over my head. He usually forgets (except last year), but I hear him mention quite often about how one of his friends has a birthday coming up so he's got to buy gifts and attend the party, and everytime, I feel a little hurt that he usually can't be bothered to remember mine. I reminded him in my last email that Saturday was the day, and he replied that he wouldn't forget. I guess it wasn't at the top of his list. Maybe I shouldn't take it so personally.

My party felt anti-climatic in a way - not that I didn't enjoy it, but it just seemed as though something was missing. Maybe it's the fact I will never have cake & wine with Mum again, maybe I'm just getting old, maybe I should just quit dwelling on the bad & focus on the people that did come to celebrate or called with happy birthday wishes, maybe I just have to much on my mind.

Maybe next year will be more like it used to be.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Birthday Resolutions

I never make New Years resolutions. I figure I won't keep them anyway. This year, I have decided to make a birthday resolution.

Today is the first anniversary of Mum's death. I took the day off work & planned on writing today. I've been wanting to tap more into my creative side, and I've been wanting to write more, but my writers block is in full force right now. It's as if my mind is not clear enough to write, but I need to write to clear my mind. I've been so tired today I can't even think straight. My brother has landed himself in some trouble, but I'll save that story for another post tomorrow. Let's just say my stepfather has cut him off, so it's now my issue, and I've been to upset about it to concentrate on myself.

So my resolution is to focus & put the pen to paper. I've been thinking about writing a memoir on the subject of my mothers death and how it affected me, so I'm going to do it. The problem is, most of my ideas come to me while I'm drifting out of consciousness and into sleep at night. I received a journal from my Mum's best friend for graduation, so I'm just going to keep it w/ me at all times, that way I can write down my ideas as they come to me.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

What I Do at Work

Not much, obviously, except for trying to find new & exciting ways to waste time. Here are the other Developers I work with.






Thursday, July 06, 2006

We've Found "Mr. Rite"


Well, after dating nearly 4 years, Chip & I are still not ready for marriage and/or kids. So instead, we decided to adopt a dog. I figure that should keep us from having to take anymore "commitment" steps for at least another year or two. :)

The newest addition to the family is a retired racing Greyhound. His racing name was Can't Get it Rite, so he's called Rite for short.

We adopted Rite through For the Hounds, a local rescue group. The first meeting was at Petsmart, where we were able to see him interact with strange dogs, kids, and whatever else. We walked him around the store, where he began picking up various toys and treats in his mouth & bringing them to us with a "Hey, buy me this," look on his face.

Rite is 4 years old and he's a really big dog. He weighs just over 80 pounds and is hip high on me while on all fours. Most importantly, he's been kitty tested, and got along well with the 4 cats in his foster home. He's very docile and sweet. He likes to "velcro", which is Greyhound speak for rubbing on you like a cat to show affection. Maybe that's why I like him so much. Rite also seems very intelligent - he's picking up on commands and training quickly. The only problem we've had so far is stairs - Chip lives in a second floor apartment, and Rite is absolutely terrified of the stairs. Of course, I've fallen down them a few times myself, so I can't really blame him.

So I'm now a doggie mommy & kitty mommy. This picture is from the rescue group - I'll take more this weekend & post them as soon as I get the film developed & scanned. Yup, I'm still old skool with a film camera. I finally got a few pictures of the kitties that are decent too, so I'll post those as well. The cats either run off as soon as they see the camera, or the pictures end up with horrible red eye, so hopefully I'll have better luck with Rite. So look for more fur baby pics in a few days.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Graduation Pics


James & his best friend, Taylor.


James with his lady friend, Christine, on the left & me on the right.



Lil' Bro & Big Sis - my Graduation.

More to come after I get film developed & scanned - sorry, I'm old skool & still use film. Should have them ready this weekend or early next week.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Lil' Sis

Some cool pictures of my little sister, Jade.



Thursday, June 15, 2006

Really Bitchin' Bike

I just bought a really bitchin' mountain bike! Part of my graduation gifts. Here's a pic (not of my actually bike, off the web). It's a Specialized D4W (womens specific design) Hardrock Sport. I just added a link for Specialized Bikes & the Carolina Triathlon Store too. Off to the trails I go!

Saturday, June 10, 2006

My Graduation Speech

This past Wednesday, I was riding home from work, listening to music, and thinking to myself, "“Wow, graduation is only two days away... I should really start writing that speech for graduation."” Mr. Clark had called me nearly two weeks before to inform me that I had been chosen as Valedictorian, but I had been totally uninspired, unable to come up with any well written, earth shattering witticisms. Then it occurred to me - – maybe I'm not all that witty or imaginative. And who is going to really listen to another boring graduation speech anyway? At this point I gave serious consideration to reading "“Oh the Places You'’ll Go"” by Doctor Seuss and calling it a day. And then, my IPOD shuffled to the next artist, and the following lyric from the Update, a Beastie Boys song, came to my rescue.

Over The Years, I've Grown And Changed So Much
Things I Know Now Years Ago, I Couldn't Touch
There Are Things I've Done That I Wouldn't Do Again
But I'm Glad That I Did 'Cause I've Learned From Them
I Just Try To Stay Present Right Here, Right Now
No Worries, No Fears And Without Any Doubts
And The True Key Is A Trust In Self
For When I Trust Myself, I Fear No One Else
I Took Control Of My Life, Just As Anyone Can
I Want Everyone To See It's In The Palm Of Your Hand
The Past Is Gone, The Future Yet Unborn
But Right Here And Now Is Where It All Goes On.

As my late 20'’s approached, I felt like I had trust in myself. Although I wasn'’t entirely content with my direction in life, I was in a comfort zone, unable to throw off the security blanket and make a drastic change.

As we all know to well, life has a way of shattering oblivious bliss if you stay in it too long. In late 2003, a health crisis that nearly robbed me of my ability to walk shook me out of my stupor. My vocation at that time was automobile sales, a job that required me to be on my feet 50 -60 hours a week. And no matter what drama may be happening in your life, you had better be out grabbing customers with a big beaming smile on your face, and you had better meet your sales quota, and you had better not show any vulnerability. Obviously, hobbling around on a cane was not working out to well. Unfortunately, sales was all I knew, and I had no college education. I always pictured myself as the ambitious career woman, not someone living on a disability check, unable to do the simple activities I had once taken for granted. A cloud of hopelessness and depression hung like a dark haze over me, and with great trepidation, I began to wonder how in the heck I was going to make it through this one. My self-esteem in shambles, I tearfully asked my boyfriend how I would manage if I ended up in a wheelchair. "“You still have this, and you will figure out a way to be okay,"” was his answer. A few months later, I took the plunge and enrolled at ECPI, embarking upon the transformation of myself from sales extraordinaire to computer geek.

Going back to school rejuvenated me in ways I never thought possible. My joy of learning was rekindled. Sit back for a moment and try to think of the last time you read a book, and I don'’t mean something with Fabio holding the distressed damsel on the cover. ItÂ's amazing when life & adult responsibilities take over how you forget the sense of accomplishment that learning can bring. Three years ago, I would have never pictured myself with a career in software development. This is more than a little embarrassing to admit, but I never thought that studying computer code all day would light my fire like it did.

During my time at ECPI, I also learned how important it is to have perseverance, and give every task you undertake your all. Many of us have put our lives on hold while pursuing our education, with the hopes of a new career and better days ahead. Our responsibilities to our families and our jobs did not stop while we were here. I know there were many times when I wanted nothing more than to get this over with and get on with my future. Last summer, my mother lost her battle with breast cancer, and the overwhelming grief made it difficult to get to sleep, nearly impossible to drag myself out of bed to face the day, and my ability to focus on my studies was shot to hell. Once again, I found myself questioning how I would make it through, but I knew Mum would want nothing more than for me to stick with it and finish strong. With my desire to honor her wishes, and with the encouragement and kindness of my teachers, I made it. As the great philosopher Gurdjieff said "“The worse the conditions of life the more productive the work."” Many of you have faced your own struggles during your time here -– do not forget the efforts that brought you here today despite these obstacles.

In conclusion, I want to thank everyone here at ECPI, including my fellow students and the entire staff for making my experience here something I will always remember fondly. I want to say a special thank you to Mr. Clark & Mr. Johnson because you guys had to put up with my endearing Jewish neuroticism the most out of anyone here. I will never forget Mr. Johnson'’s excitement for passing on his wealth of knowledge, or Mr. Clark'’s ability to keep me awake and interested in classes that consisted of 5 hours of lecture from a textbook, or his raised eyebrow and "Hey, how'’s that sleeping in thing working out?" when I walked into class late nearly every morning. I also want to thank my family and friends for their unwavering encouragement, and for doing their part to keep me somewhat sane over the last 18 months.

To my fellow classmates, now is our chance to take control of our lives, just as anyone can. Right Here And Now Is Where It All Goes On, so give it your all. You may not always succeed, but remember, if all else fails, there'’s always self delusion.

In parting I will leave you with some great words of wisdom from one of my favorite authors, the great Dr. Seuss:

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And you are the guy who'll decide where to go.
You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.)
So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!

Thank you everyone!

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Mazel tov to me!

Guess what! No, not chicken butt...

I just found out that I am the valedictorian of my class! Holy crap! I can hardly believe it - I've gone from the stoner chick who barely made it through high school to ultra responsible, good grades geek. Wonders never cease.

I've got to write a speech, 15-30 minutes in length, and speak in front of a few hundred people. Now, just what in the hell I'm going to talk about, I don't know, but I better figure it out quick!

I've also made a mid - year resolution to blog more. So more frequent, more witty posts shall follow soon.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Finito!

Last night at 10:30, I turned in my last assignment as a student at ECPI. I'm finished! The last 5 weeks have been absolute hell - I picked up extra hours at work, and I had to take an extra class to graduate on time. Work & school combined have taken up at least 60 hours of my week. So needless to say, today I'm doing absolutely nothing. And that includes not finishing this post...

Monday, April 24, 2006

Mazel tov to Bear

Everyone say a big mazel tov to Bear. Bear is my Russian Blue kitty. Not only did she celebrate her 17th birthday this month, she just got a fantastic check up at the vet today! Taking her in for her blood work always makes me nervous - you never know when the health of a cat that old will go south.

Mom is proud!

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Thrown Under the Bus

My internship is finally over! Thank G-d, I've had no time to do anything. Sunday is an 9 hour day at least at work, Mon - Wed I've been gone from 8:30 a.m. to 10:30 p.m. at an absolute minimum. After school, work, and internship, all I've done when I walk in the door is eat & crash. And of course I'm at my vacation home in downtown G'ville (a.k.a. Chip's apartment) most of the weekend. Yeah, my cats are pissed. Mom isn't home to snuggle much. This term I'm taking an extra class so I can get the hell outta there, so I'll still be busy as all get out. The proverbial light is at the end of the tunnel though - 5 weeks and I'm done!

So this internship was quite the experience. I ended up doing it at the call center that I've worked for over the last year. The first two and a half weeks I worked on some documentation (thank goodness I took a technical writing class) for a new software application they're about to release. I learned shortly after starting the internship that the second half I would be building a web based application. To give some background, us phone working slaves are "shopped" once a month. Our bonus money is determined by our score. They've been using good old fashioned Excel spreadsheets, but decided web stuff would be cool and up with the year 06. So I'm thinking, okay, easy enough, I'm just turning their Excel form into a web page, nothing to it.

So one morning, the IT Project Manager, the Operations Manager, two people from Quality Assurance and I have a meeting to figure out what all this web app needs to do. The Project Manager starts out by saying stuff about how this will be part of the software package that THEY ARE GOING TO BE SELLING. I'm sitting there thinking "It's going to be what? Sold?", probably totally bug eyed. Nice of them to tell me. Christ all frighty, I'm the intern, I have no idea what I'm doing! Then they tell me that the user has to be able to dynamically create their own shop forms. Then I'm told I have to write this thing in C#. This is a programming language I don't know, by the way. Of course, once you know one, you can learn new ones quickly, but obviously this is going to be a big learning curve. I've been totally thrown under the bus.


The good news is, this project is an awesome learning experience. They've offered to keep me on for the next 5 weeks as a contractor to continue working on it. There's a good chance I'll be hired on permanently once I graduate. Even if once the 5 week gig is up I end up not being hired, it's a great resume builder & will definitely help me find other opportunities.

It's the home stretch!

Monday, March 13, 2006

10 Weeks to Go!

Thank G-d that I'm done with the last two classes I had. I was taking a class in Linux that about drove me batty. Don't you love it when a teacher barely teaches and then tests you on stuff you never discussed in class? Needless to say, I made a B. I probably should be happy with my grade, but whatever, I'm ultra neurotic perfectionist and I want all A's dammit! I made an A in my Java class, but I'm over layout managers. Sorry, I'll get off of the geek speak now.

So today was my first day of my internship. Too bad half the department didn't show, so I followed around an alumni of my school for a few hours. Found out I'm going to be doing stuff way over my head and using languages I don't know and some new fangled AJAX thing that I don't know anything about either. It will be a good learning experience, I'm sure, and great for my resume. ("Duties included corrupting databases and breaking shit in general. Crashed entire system repeatedly. Said screw it and smoked cigarettes for the rest of the day...") Oh yeah, and they want me to do a bunch of technical writing too. I hope they know this isn't going to be done in 5 weeks, so they better offer me some fat salary & a job at the end of the term. Tomorrow the project planner guy is supposed to be there on time, so hopefully I will get all the gory details of what they have planned for me. I've noticed these guys come & go as they please so we'll see how this all pans out.

Later taters, time to pay attention in class!

Monday, December 26, 2005

Electronics & Gadgets & Music, Oh My!

I finally got an iPod. This is actually my first MP3 player, since I've been too cheap to buy one. Does this make me sound, like, so year 2000? My wonderful goy toy stepped up and got me the 4 gig Nano for a Christmaskah gift - kudos to him for knowing the way to my heart is not with jewelry & flowers, it's with gadgets. And food, let's not forget food.

I may not be bloggin for a few days, since it's going to take for...ev...er for me to get all the songs off my massive CD & MP3 collection on this damn thing. At least now I can go to the gym without my huge CD Walkman weighing down my yoga pants.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Silent Night


It just isn't the same without you here. Even Chip said it was more fun with you around, and how he missed your kindness. You weren't there to stuff us full of food ("You gotta eat more! I don't care if you're on plate three, you're wasting away! Here's some pumpkin pie..."), or share a glass of wine, or have another discussion about the pagan roots of Christmas, or kvetch & gossip about various family members.

A few times I felt your presence, and I hope that wasn't just wishful thinking. I want to believe you were there, watching over me, wiping away my tears as I left your grave today.

Merry Christmas Mum. I love you & miss you dearly.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Lights out!

Not having electricity blows. Here in the upstate of South Carolina, we were hit by an ice "storm" last Wednesday. I use the term storm loosely - while I'm aware I grew up in the Northeast, and therefore I'm used to blizzards and such, I don't see a need to have mass chaos over an inch of ice. That inch of ice has caused my home to be without power for 4 days. We may not get turned on until Tuesday evening. It's ridiculous! I can understand the fact our state doesn't have a lot of snow & salt trucks; there isn't really a need. But at least once a year, an insignificant amount of ice causes mass power outages that take days or weeks to fix. As many as 300,000 people were without electricity in the area. You would think they would figure out a way to build the lines so this doesn't happen, or at least so it would have less impact.

I haven't seen a single crew working over the last few days, & I've been all over town. I'm sure they're somewhere. All I know is that two of the major roads I take to get home have limbs strewn everywhere - it's a major obstacle course to navigate. There are plenty of other roads and interstates in the same state all across town. You would think they would at least avoid additional hazards by cleaning this up. Stop lights are inoperable through major sections of town. You would think in some of the high traffic, high accident areas, they would have police directing things, but no. Not only do you have to navigate around the various tree limbs, but there is one accident after another. I am thankful that my stepfather got his power back quickly, so I've had a warm place to sleep, unlike a lot of my friends and coworkers. Funny how if you live in the affluent section of town, you're power is back up in a matter of hours. My poor cats have had to stay alone & in the cold. I'll probably rough it tonight & stay with them at the house, heat or not, just because I feel terrible for them. Thank goodness for fur! I hope to have my power back up before Tuesday, I'm tired of living like a nomad.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Happy Birthday to Mum

Today would have been Mum's birthday. Today sucks right now...

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Master of Repression

I know that the public at large has been waiting with baited breath for me to post. What's it been, like a month or so?

Over the last month I've been buried in school work, busy as ever but accomplishing little. I've finally realized that I'm not dealing with my Mum's death or my relationship issues or everyday stress well at all. The depression that took hold of me when my breakup took place & deepened as my Mum lost her cancer battle will not let go of my psyche. I've resisted the urge to just retreat to my bed in bad sweatpants & messy hair & spend hours watching bad daytime TV, but just barely. I've decided it's time to get help.

So my stepfather, who's an executive at the hospital & well connected with all things medicine, referred me to a mental health facility connected with the hospital. They offer sliding scale fees for uninsured poor students like yours truly. Unfortunately, they had no appointments until late December, & I'm fairly sure by then I will be hiding in the bed. It took 2 days of leaving voice mails for me to find this out. They referred me somewhere else, who had an even longer wait. Depressed people tend to be a little on the irritable & frustrated side anyway, so getting the run around was extremely irritating. I finally got a counseling center to see me next Friday - hopefully they won't suck. I met with a woman from the hospital employee services division today (thanks to stepdad for getting me in), and I will have a follow up with her after my visit to the counseling center in case I need someone or something else.

After my whine session with the counselor @ employee services today, I realized something. My whole life, everyone has always said how "strong" I am because shit happens & I always pick up the pieces and move on in amazing fashion. I just keep going, throwing myself into work or classes or social activities or whatever. Maybe it's not that I'm strong or resilient, I've just become very skilled at the art of repressing emotions & burying them deep. The counselor made the comment that a lot of times friends & family will advise that you should "keep busy & get your mind off of it" when trying times arise, but sometimes pouring yourself into activities just enables you to forget temporarily. I've spent years & years doing this, & now that I've been dealt such a traumatic blow, I guess I've come to my breaking point. The week after Mum died, I was so ridiculously down that I was desperate to return to my normal life just to get my mind off of my troubles - the less I had to do, the more sad I got, & the more it kept hitting me that I was not emotionally strong enough to deal with it. I kept begging G-d to make the pain go away. So I buried myself back into school & work & whatever, and everyone who didn't know how sad I really was kept saying how well I was dealing with it. Actually, I haven't at all.

So how in the hell I'm going to deal with all this w/o using my crutch of a busy life is beyond me. As I begin the journey through therapy, I'm sure I'll have plenty to blog about, so you won't have to hold your breath as long for posts.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

I Love the General Public

Okay, I've got to rant for a second. Anyone who knows me well has heard me preach this before, but I firmly believe that everyone (& I mean everyone) should be required to work a commission sales job for 1 year, then wait tables for at least 6 months before they're allowed to get out into the real world. It should be a high school class or something. That way everyone would be nicer to those of us who have to deal with your crap everyday.

I've waited tables, I've worked in the mall, I've sold cars, & I currently work part time in a call center that handles leasing information for apartments. It never ceases to amaze me how downright uncouth people are. There's no need for it. I don't do any telemarketing where I work now, these people are calling me for information, but they're totally rude. Didn't you call me for a reason? Then shut up. When I waited tables before, I actually had someone leave me a Bible tract (for those of you outside of the south, it's basically a "you're going to hell!" propaganda pamphlet) instead of a tip, with a note saying "God takes care of those who give good service, so we know he's watching out for you." Are you kidding me? Maybe it's just my turn for it, but I've had more than my fair share of rudeness & hang ups today while I've been on the phones here at work, I'd I'm over it.

I'll shut up now...

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Too Much Fun for a Monday

I learned something Monday night. Never leave the house without your camera. In the last few weeks I've cussed myself out time & time again because a Kodak moment came & went while my Nikon was back at the house - Monday night was a perfect example.

My friend Rebekah had a going away party on Monday. She's moving back to Virginia to pursue her Masters. Some of the Viagra club from Addy's came, my roommate Mike joined me, & Rebekah's new man came along too. We started out at a sushi restaurant - by the time Mike & I arrived, everyone was already trashed. They'd been out less than 2 hours & they were acting like it was 1:00 a.m. About an hour later, the crowd moved on to an upscale seafood restaurant. I was thinking this loud of a group was probably not a good fit for a fine dining atmosphere, but everyone else was too drunk to care. I'd never been there, but realized once the desserts were brought that I've been missing out. The chocolate mousse & cheesecake was some of the best I've ever had, and let me tell you, I'm a dessert connoisseur. It was tasty enough to rival multiple orgasms - I think I may have actually had one. At one point the other girls decided to start eating desserts off each others breasts - this is when I started kicking myself for not having the camera. As the night progressed it became apparent I wasn't the only one turned on by the desserts -I haven't seen that much PDA since high school. One of the Viagra club boys kept saying "let's go get high", at least once every 15 minutes. I guess some people never grow up. As things got louder & more pornographic, I began to get the feeling that the cops were going to get called any minute, plus I had class early in the morning, so I bugged out around 11.

Rebekah had told me a few weeks ago that her new man was "a little older, like 30's". I found out Monday he's actually 41. Rebekah just turned 25 a few months ago, so I hope she isn't his mid-life crisis toy. I think Rebekah would be happier with someone older, but the cynical (realistic?) side of me says this won't last long after she leaves town. She has hopes of making the long distance thing work. At least it may get her back down to visit more often - it's going to suck now that the only girlfriend I have who lives close & hasn't been sucked into becoming one of the marrieds is moving away. But I wish her the best of luck, and hope her & her new boy toy are happy!

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Lessons For Finding Ms. Right

My good friend Rebekah took a bartending job at a downtown bar called Addy's for the summer & it has become a regular weekend hangout for me. I've also managed to garner a fan club there - I've dubbed it my Viagra fan club, since it consists of men over 40. No offense to the over 40 crowd, but I'm a little young for you guys. Not so much into the trophy wife thing.

One of my fan club members, Bob, is actually very sweet & fun to chat with. He also helps me fend off unwelcome suitors. Believe me, there are plenty of them. Being a redhead sucks sometimes - it draws attention, & I don't need men learing at me to boost my self esteem. Boys should know it's not polite to stare anyways. At least I don't have any cleavage to stare at. That brings me to Lesson #1: If you hit on a redhead, she doesn't want to hear some story about a redhead you used to date who was crazy in bed, or some joke about redheads and their tempers, or your redhead fetish, or some sappy story about how your ex or first love or whatever was a redhead. It's just creepy, & I've heard all of the above a million times.

One Friday night, this boy sends over a watermelon martini & a few minutes later sits in the stool next to me. He strikes up a conversation & starts asking what I do. I tell him about school & he proceeds to tell me he graduated from there a year ago & has had a lot of trouble finding gainful employment, then starts a tirade about how the school sucked. Lesson #2: Telling me your unlucky in the career department is not a good way to impress. I'm not looking for a sugar daddy, but ambition & career direction are important to me, & if you start out the conversation on a negative note by blasting my alma mater it turns me off. Angry boy is not what I'm looking for. Bob helped me get rid of him since he wasn't taking my not so subtle hints to bug off. Lesson #3: If girl loses interest & starts ignoring you & talking to other people, move on, & save yourself the trouble & further rejection. Maybe you can find someone more naive at the other end of the bar. Know when to call it quits.

A week later I went to another favorite downtown bar of mine, Sophisticated Palate. If you're ever in the Greenville area check it out. It's very quiet & laid back & owned by a nice Dutch couple with good taste in both wine & jazz. Great for people who are over the meat market. But I'm rambling off subject as usual. I went with my kinda ex/now friend/who the hell knows so we'll call him in limbo boy. The guy who hit on me at Addy's was sitting at the bar. "Why is that guy glaring at me?" asked in limbo boy. I told him the previous weekends events. "So what, you're like his terrioritory now?" I guess so, however that reasoning works. An hour or so later, in limbo boy got up to use the facilities, & as soon as he left, Addy's boy took his seat. What nerve! "I remember you from somewhere... didn't you go to ECPI college?" Without giving me time to answer, he says " I used to lecture there, I think you attended one of my lectures..."

"Actually, you tried to pick me up at Addy's last week & you said you were a student there & were having trouble finding a job if I remember correctly."

He turned away & protested "no, I used to lecture there, I wasn't just a student."

Lesson #4. Keep track of who you hit on & what bulls**t you tell people. Especially anyone within a one week time frame.

A few weeks later I attended a party thrown by a former coworker. We worked together in the car biz a few years back & we still get everyone together for shooting pool as often as possbile. She has been working for another dealership & invited some of her new coworkers. When 2 very young looking boys standing close by made eye contact & started walking my way, I assumed they were with the new coworker crowd.

Brown haired boy & blonde boy say hello & ask my name. Before any proper introductions, blonde boy asks if I'm with anyone. I answered yes even though I wasn't, and brown haired boy rolls his eyes & says "well I guess nevermind." Blonde haired boy says "well, maybe all isn't lost, we could at least make conversation." For christs sakes, you could at least make an attempt to appear interested in me as a person before you make it clear you just want to sleep with me. So blonde haired boy proceeds to "make conversation", but the attempt at feigned interest was poor. At one point brown haired boy walks away while blondie is still trying to converse, even though I've quit participating in this game a long time ago. Like from the moment they walked up, actually. Then he decides to give a sales pitch & overcome objections. Are you ready for this? He actually said " well my friend is a really nice guy, and I think you should go home with him instead." Oh yeah, I'm sold now!

Lesson #4: I'm pretty sure these guys got in with fake ID's. If not, they had just turned 21. For all you young boys out there, if a woman is in her late 20's or older and she's still single, she is going to be way to cynical for your bs. Don't bother. She will chew you up and spit you out. She will take one look at your fresh faced inexperience & nervous behavior and laugh. Then she'll tell all her friends & they'll laugh, then she'll blog about it & make the whole world laugh. You are way out of your league here. Lesson #5: Since I'm obviously older than your teenage friends and much more cynical, I'm not going to fall for "my friend is a nice guy, go home with him". Even a 15 year old should know better. If your friend was a nice guy, he wouldn't send you to do his dirty work & if you were a nice guy, you'd get better at conversation before you go in for the close. I'm not a prospect to be sold to. Lesson #6: If I say I'm with someone, that is a clear notice to politley excuse yourself & get the hell out of my face, even if you're not keen on subtle hints of disinterest. Reread Lesson #3 if you need further clarification.

Another thing for you boys out there to note. Every guy in the world has told us "you're beautiful" or "you're the prettiest girl in this place" or "hey woo hoo you're hot s**t" or whatever. Lesson #7: come up with something new, I beg of you. The best compliment I've ever recieved from a man was when he told me I was the most intelligent women he knew.

I'm not trying to be mean to all you men. I know it takes balls to talk to complete strangers. And maybe some of you are actually trying to find Ms. Right, not Ms. Right Now. I'll listen for a minute. And I admit I'm quick to judge, but I'm generally right. Some of you guys are just sad & creepy. In fact, at this point in my life, almost all men creep me out. Maybe all the non-creepy ones have married off already or have been sent to some remote island. It's all downhill to menopause from here.


Friday, September 30, 2005

Boogers

My friend Brook gave me permission to blog about this, so here I go.

We spent about 45 minutes on the phone this evening, and she tells me right before we finish the conversation that the entire time she's been trying to pick a booger out of her nose. And since her nails aren't long enough, she can't get it out.

Brook, you rock...

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Pictures that were held hostage...



My friend Brook, the photographer extradionaire, took these pictures back in 1999, when I was a very drunk bridesmaid in my sister's first wedding. Brook actually held these pictures hostage until I watched the Gilmore Girls season premiere Tuesday night & emailed her a full review. By the way, Brook's blog & website are featured links here. You should check out her work, she's a great photographer & has managed to put up with me since I was like 14 or 15. That's a long time to put up w/ me, just so you know!

I am ridiculously skinny in these pictures, not because I'm into starving myself, this was before I finally hit puberty the second time when I was like 22 or 23, like before I finally got an ass. I can't believe I was ever that tiny, I look like I'm about to fall over & die or something. Of course I think the waif look was cool back then. Anyhoo, I'll shut up now...

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Dear Bloggy #2

How do people manage to get on with it after losing someone? Will I ever stop replaying memories of the last few weeks of Mum’s life in my head? Staying with her in the hospital, especially her last 48 hours, was by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Watching someone die is such a powerful yet disturbing experience – I could feel the life just drain out of her in her in those last few moments. A little voice in my head was screaming at me to run out of the room, but I knew I needed to be there for her. Then her jaw twitched a bit and there was no more. Mum was finally free, and you could sense her soul filling the room.

The week Mum died, I fell into the deepest depression I’d ever experienced. After a few days, it was bothering me how down I was so much that it was making me more depressed. I kept thinking “I’ve got to snap out of this…I can’t lose it, I just can’t…” I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t function on a normal level, I couldn’t sleep or eat.

At least now I’m out of the wallowing, non-functioning phase. Now I’m just struck by random moments of emotional breakdown. A perfect example would be last Tuesday. I was cooking myself some lunch after school and just burst into tears. For Christ’s sake, I got totally farklempt over mashed potatoes & a turkey pita. It was totally ridiculous. Thank goodness my friend Brook is understanding and will put up with me rambling & whining for extended periods of time on the phone. I probably kept her on for over an hour. I almost cried twice on the way to work last week. I passed a funeral home Friday evening and immediately got a visual of Mum in her casket. It’s like everything & anything will remind me of her & the fact she’s gone.

Since she died, some have told me time will heal. Usually these are people who haven’t experienced the death of someone that close to them. People that have faced it have said I never will.

What if I don’t have time on my side? I cannot stand being an emotional mess. I have so many demands between school, work, and family; and so many perfectionist ideals I force upon myself, and I feel like I can’t fall apart, I’ve got to be strong for my brother & sister. I know that it’s okay if I do fall apart, it’s almost to be expected after what I’ve been through, but I just can’t let myself.

I’ve got to try to be strong.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Missing, Grieving...

On Saturday I went to Mum's grave for the first time since she was buried. I wasn't able to bring myself to go before now.

When Mum first passed, I was having a hard time dealing with the aftermath of her hospital stay. Especially the last 48 hours she was alive. I guess the only thing I could compare it to is when you see something really violent or disturbing, like a movie or something, and those scenes keep replaying in your mind over & over. I kept thinking about how on Thursday evening when I went to visit her (the day before she began her respiratory arrest), she kept asking me what time I would return the next day. I told her right after work, as usual, but she kept asking for specifics. She told me about these men that came into the room and that they were hanging off the ceiling, watching her. “I told them I was still alive & that they shouldn’t be here ‘till I was about to die…” Did she know that her time was up? More importantly, did she finally accept it? I guess she must have, because when they tried to give her oxygen that Friday, she jumped out of bed, pulled out all of her various tubes & needles and said “I’m done, no more…”

Over the last week I've been moving into the "missing" phase of the grieving process. The void of not having my mother here is becoming more & more apparent to me. It's like that aspect has been removed a few degrees from my consciousness. I can't just call & yack with her anymore, I can't have my once a week visit with her, she won't be there when I graduate, she won't be there for me if (big if) I ever do get married or have children. Everyone keeps saying that in a way she will be there, and I’ve felt her presence very strongly several times, but it's just not the same.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Picture of Mom & Jade


I'm working on a project for school right now where I have to make a personal webpage. Anyhoo, I had to scan in some pictures (since I don't have one of those new fangled digital cameras yet) & found this picture. It was taken in July or August of 1996. My Mom had just found out she had breast cancer (the first time around) and wanted a good picture before she lost her hair from chemo.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Jade


This is what my sister Jade looks like now, she's 10 years old. I took this right around Halloween last year. It makes me feel so old to watch her grow up!

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Trip to Pennsylvania

So the trip to Pennsylvania was a blast, although some family drama was mixed in. Of course, how could there not have been?

The first three nights I spent with my Dad in Pittsburgh. If it wasn’t so damn cold, I probably would move back there – Pitt has always been my favorite city. We spent Saturday walking around “dahntahn” (that’s downtown to all of you not up on Pittsburghese). Grueser’s can eat like no tomorrow & stay pencil thin, so we took advantage of that with a huge dinner at Max & Erma’s that evening. Had to replace all those calories we burned off walking!

The last two nights I spent in Greenville. My Grandpa Sam used to call Greenville, PA the “Garden Spot of America” – on the way into town my Dad renamed it the “A**hole of America”. That about sums it up. It’s nothing but a small, economically depressed hellhole, with absolutely nothing to do. We stayed at my Aunt Melanie’s house & had much to drink & ended up having an absolute blast. My cousin & I even reminisced about the time my Dad caught us sneaking up to Lawson’s convenience store where we were smoking cigarettes at the age of like 11 or something, & jamming to Madonna in the basement when she slept over.

Now to the drama. We had the memorial service for my mother at a Baptist church. This is the church my Mom’s stepsisters attend – my Mother was definitely not a Baptist. We have a crazy mish-mash of religious beliefs in my family. One of the chaplains at the local hospital where my Stepdad works did the service here in SC – he was a good friend of my Stepdad’s. Doug explained to him the religious beliefs of our family and asked him to keep it light on the preaching, & no references to Jesus or Father. The chaplain is Southern Baptist, but overall a pretty cool guy & did a great job respecting our wishes. The pastor back home looked at us like we were the anti-christ when we tried to explain this to him. I piped up at one point and told him that the chaplain had just said “God, Lord, or Our Creator”. “Do you not believe in the Trinity or Jesus dying for your sins?” was his reply. Yeah, sure, and I’ll make sure to tell everyone all about it at Synagogue next Friday. Doug finally backed down for fear he wouldn’t do the service at all. The pastor agreed to do what he could. Instead he spent the last 15 minutes or so of the service selling Christianity & saying things like “and I pray for those here who haven’t been saved by Jesus…” Oy vey. Mom was probably rolling in her grave.

So my sister, Meridith had promised to come home for the service. She moved to Chicago a few months back after breaking off marriage #2. We had been talking almost daily, but when I went through my break up, she dropped off the face of the earth. The entire time Mom was in the hospital, she never returned my phone calls. Finally, a week after she died, Meridith found out through some family back home & called me, saying she had lost her cell phone weeks earlier & hadn’t got a new one. Whatever. I told her off but decided to let it go. The day before I flew out she called to let me know she’d be there for the service, but since she had to deal with issues concerning her soon to be ex-husband & her mother, she would have no time to hang out with me. Again, whatever. I told her I’d call her with the time & location that weekend. She never called me back, never answered her phone the countless times I called, & didn’t show for the service. She still hasn’t called 2 days later. So as far as I’m concerned, f**k her. I was there for here when she needed me through her separation, yet I have what will probably be the worst 6 weeks of my life & she can’t even call. It never ceases to amaze me how inconsiderate people can be. She will face the wrath if she ever does bother to call. My Mom was an excellent Stepmother to her as well, and she obviously has no respect for that.

My Mother had 2 full blooded sisters, both of which have some mental, ummm, challenges. Well, nevermind trying to be politically correct. My Mom’s entire family (excluding step-family) is totally nuts. There’s always drama & so and so isn’t speaking to whomever & just a bunch of craziness. Complete white trash, let me tell you. One of my Aunt’s didn’t come to the service because she & Mom hadn’t really talked in years. Well you can’t hold a conversation with her because she’s completely lost her marbles. Let’s just say that cocaine, LSD, lithium, & schizophrenia don’t go together very well. Does it really matter anyway? When your sister dies, you go to the funeral for Christ’s sakes! My other Aunt showed up in a black tank top. Not a black, fancy, camisole type tank top – I’m talking about a wife beater. And shoes that could’ve passed for slippers & pants from 1980 something. Maybe she’s not into the latest fashions, but I think it’s common knowledge you don’t wear a wife beater & slippers to a funeral. Then she tried to explain to Doug (IN FRONT OF EVERYONE!) why the other Aunt didn’t show & how it was all very complicated &oh, by the way, was my Dad coming? I wanted to yell at her, but I do have some sense of appropriateness.

My Grandmother has been completely beside herself since Mom died, so I hope our visit cheered her up. She hasn’t seen my little sister or brother since we moved down south 10 years ago. She now has at least 25 cats in her house & like 4 or 5 dogs. There are literally cats on every flat surface. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my cats, but I think the 3 I have are too many. I couldn’t imagine 25. I went over there to meet her for dinner, walked into the house, stayed about 5 minutes, and said I would wait outside. It’s just nasty. Problem was you could still smell it out in the yard.

All in all, I had a blast, even with the family drama. I haven’t seen some of my family in 10 years, and it was great to reconnect. Good times, but I’m sure as hell glad to be back to sunny South Carolina, 500 miles away from all of that mess!

Friday, August 12, 2005

Dear Bloggy

Well, I'm about to leave for a fun filled trip to visit family in Pennsylvania. My aunt has organized a memorial service there so that her family could have a service to attend. My Mum's family was noticeably absent at the service here. Of course, that was fine with me. My maternal grandmother can get very hysterical and was completely stressing me out, I probably would've lost it if she had come down. She has recurrent theories about the end of the world and all that mess, & that was coming out in full force. "If Vesta dies I'm going to die, I'll have a heart attack if I have to get on a plane & then it will crash..." Blah, blah, blah. I wasn't really in the mood to listen to it anymore. I know having your daughter die is traumatic, but please don't upstage the event with your craziness. And have some empathy for those of us that are by her side while it's happening. Oy vey.

After reaching levels of depression I never thought possible the week Mum died, I have managed to pull myself together somewhat. I guess I've just been so busy with making up a massive pile of school work that I haven't had time to dwell on my emotional troubles. There's been a few times that I've realized things, like "this is the day I usually call Mum & gab for an hour...", or "I always visit on Wednesdays". I guess I will always have those moments of realization. The week Mum died, I picked up some film I had dropped off before she went into the hospital & had forgotten about with all the choas. I didn't realize until I started flipping through the pictures that there were holiday photos on that roll. That's some of the last photos of Mum. She looked even more aged than ever, I was shocked.

On a lighter note, I'm one year older now & have a few more grey hairs. I spent my birthday weekend drinking in massive quantities (well, massive for me anyway), attending my mothers funeral, and having a fabulous party that evening. What an odd way to spend a birthday.

Wish me luck on my trip back home. Hopefully there won't be any family catastrophes while I'm there!

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Tribute for my Mum

Mom, you are the strongest, smartest, and most resilient woman I know. And Mom, I know you didn’t want to go. I know you have fought so hard, & many times I’ve questioned how you could struggle for so long. You have been so much braver than I could ever imagine. You’ve been such an inspiration for me in more ways than you could ever realize, and I only wish now I could have told you. You’re fight for life was my source of encouragement when I thought I would never see a happy ending.

There are so many things I wish we could still talk about, so many future achievements I wish you could share with me. I will always miss those long phone conversations and weekly get togethers. I also know that in your own way you will always be there. This is a new chapter for us now, one where you gave me a bit of your final wave of peace so I could be there for you during your last moments, one where some things we just know & don’t need to say the words, and one where your strength will now be my strength. Although you are gone too soon, and it would’ve always been too soon, I feel blessed for the time that we did have and that you didn’t give up so that we could enjoy another day.

>> I read this at my Mum's funeral today. The service was beautiful & personal, just the way she would've wanted.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Monday, July 25, 2005

The End

Mom passed yesterday (Sunday) at 6:30 p.m. Now she can finally be at peace. I feel blessed that I was there when it happened, as hard as it was to be strong.

Last Gasp

I sit here with my mother
Watching her suffocate to death.

Every breath a loud gasp,
her tongue swollen & bloody from dryness.

Before her next morphine dose she became restless.
She rolled over and threw her arms around me, clawing at my back.
"Ouch..." she painfully whispered,
Just like a child would say while showing mommy a freshly skinned knee.

Her only movement now is a violent jerk of her head upward with each gasp.
I watch her lips turn more white,
Her skin turn more blue.

I want to take the pain from her & make it my own.
I pray for her comfort & the end to come quickly.

Yet she still fights.
Hour after hour she drowns...

She doesn't want to go.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Last Days

We had some hope Mom would be able to come home. She was moved to a regular hospital room in the cancer ward on Wednesday evening and was still off the ventilator. On Friday afternoon, she began struggling more & more to breathe. They tried to give her an oxygen mask, but she kept ripping it off & also ripped out her feeding tube. We thought she wouldn't make it through the night, but it is now Sunday & she is still gasping for air. She is resting comfortably at least, thanks to morphine.

On Wednesday I went to visit her after work. Before I left, she shared one more of her hallucinations with me. She told me that a group of men had come into the room, but they were walking on the ceiling and just kept watching her. She told them they weren't supposed to be here yet. "I'm still alive," she said.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

"I Won't Even Look Like the Same Person..."

Mom is still in the hospital for those of you following the story. She is in the Cardiac Care Unit, intensively monitored by various machines and nurses. She was able to get off the ventilator yesterday. She can only whisper right now because her throat is very sore from the tube, and she's unable to swallow so she's still receiving her food through a tube in her nose. I'm very happy that she's breathing on her own, it gives me some hope that she can come home soon.

I'm beginning to wonder if I will ever be able to have a normal conversation with my mother again. I'm happy that she can at least talk to me, but she's very confused and disoriented. Most of her conversations have been about the various hallucinations she's been experiencing. She doesn't remember from moment to moment what's has been happening. At first, I thought it was amusing when she was telling me about "the weird s**t that goes on around here" & started describing what could only be a figment of her imagination. As I left the hospital today, I stopped smiling. I realized that even though it may be better for mom's mental state to be out of it instead of panicking like she was when she first came to, I would like to be able to talk to her like we used to. I hate to think that I never will.

I asked my step dad today if she was just experiencing side effects from the morphine and whatever else they had her on. His only response was that they had her on very low doses at this point so it probably wasn't the cause. I didn't get an answer on what the cause is.

One of the nurses taking care of her came in to say goodbye today. She told Mom she would be off until Monday, that she had really enjoyed taking care of her, and she promised to be back and that she hoped Mom was doing even better by then. "I won't even look like the same person when you come in on Monday, I promise," Mom told her, "you'll see."

Friday, July 08, 2005

Visting Mom

Got back from visiting with mom a few minutes ago. It turns out she had a heart attack (a small one) yesterday, that's what caused her to take a turn for the worse. From the tests they've run, she's had at least one other in the last few months she didn’t know about. She is basically in congestive heart failure now, but they aren't able to really treat it with medicine because her pulse is too high & her blood pressure is too low, & the medicines available would make those worse. I guess her heart giving out is a less painful way for her to go than some of the alternatives, so I'm somewhat grateful.

They have her on the good drugs so she's not very alert, but she did come to for a short time while I was there. It was pretty horrible. She opened her eyes for a moment when I first said hello. I sat with her for awhile and just talked to her. My step dad came back in the room awhile later, we were supposed to leave, the nurses needed to do whatever. When we turned to go she grabbed my hand tightly and her eyes were wide open. She was in total panic, shaking her head & trying to mouth something. It looked like she was trying to say “no, no.” I tried to comfort her & tell her she needed to rest & calm down so she could come home, that we wouldn't leave her alone & she would be okay, she was doing much better today. She just kept slowly shaking her head. I finally left her when her next dose of morphine kicked in.

I'm pretty shaken right now. I would hate to be in her shoes, terrified & unable to talk, not knowing what's happening, knowing you're going to die & that you may never be able to say those last words. I just hope she doesn't go in the middle of the night without us there for her. As much as I don't want to watch her die, I know it would give her some comfort if at least one of us was there.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

The Brave Fight

Many of you who know me personally are aware that my mother has been battling terminal breast cancer. Nearly three years ago, they gave her a year or less to live. Her response has been "screw you, I'm not giving up." I remember last year when one of the vertebrae in her back collapsed from cancer eating away at her bones, no one thought she'd make it, much less walk again. She was up and at 'em within a month. Many times we’ve thought the end was near, and she miraculously has bounced back to fight on another day.

Over the last few months, my mother has been on a very strong chemo that has had a great deal more side effects than her previous regimen. She’s been unable to truly live much of what little life she has left during this time. I call almost every day to check on her, and most of the time she’s too tired to talk or already asleep. When I come over to see her, she’s barely able to just sit up in her bed and have a brief conversation. Of course she’s been depressed and stir crazy. She told me a few weeks ago she was watching this show about mysterious deaths and autopsies on Discovery Health. This guy was found dead in parking lot of a hotel in a pool of blood. Everyone thought he’d been shot, but there was no bullet wound. The autopsy revealed a cancerous tumor had invaded a major artery and he just bled out. I told her not to watch that stuff. “I’m afraid, Dana. I don’t want to go like that, I can’t die that way…” What could I say to her? My step dad bought her a new car a few weeks ago and she hasn’t been able to drive it. I hated to ask why he bought it for her when it has been obvious she won’t be using it. I guess he thought she’d bounce back again, as always.

Now it seems she is losing her absolutely inspiring battle. She was admitted to the hospital yesterday, and had to move to the Intensive Care Unit today. Her tumor has invaded her lung, her lungs are filled with fluid, and she is unable to breathe without assistance from a respirator. If she’s strong enough, they will drain the fluid from her lungs tomorrow and hopefully send her home soon. Once there, her doctor has recommended she discontinue her chemotherapy treatments and just accept hospice care to keep her comfortable until the end. My mom has been taking chemotherapy almost continuously for over a year, hoping to stick around awhile longer. It seems that there is no longer a point to continuing treatment. I’ve been questioning how much more she should take for a long time.

She may not make it through the night. If she does, she will probably not make it to my birthday in a few weeks. Today I went to visit her in the ICU, and it hit me hard that Mom is going to die. I’ve been aware that my time with her is limited for many years now. I thought I had accepted the fact, but it doesn’t make it any easier when it actually comes to fruition. I guess I imagined she would just fade away, possibly dying peacefully in her sleep one night. I never thought that the gory stories of how cancer actually kills you would happen to her. I never imagined seeing her in a hospital bed, quiet, still, unable to recognize I’m there with her, and looking so small. It’s like it’s not the Mom I know in that bed. I looked at old pictures of her some time ago, and it struck me how much she aged in just a year after her first battle with cancer 10 years ago. People used to think we were sisters, even with a 26 year age difference. In a way, now she looks as if she’s already gone. This strong willed woman is now dependant on a machine to keep her alive. Today, she was still fighting, yanking the tube out and telling the nurses she could do it herself. Too bad she can’t…