Visting Mom

Got back from visiting with mom a few minutes ago. It turns out she had a heart attack (a small one) yesterday, that's what caused her to take a turn for the worse. From the tests they've run, she's had at least one other in the last few months she didn’t know about. She is basically in congestive heart failure now, but they aren't able to really treat it with medicine because her pulse is too high & her blood pressure is too low, & the medicines available would make those worse. I guess her heart giving out is a less painful way for her to go than some of the alternatives, so I'm somewhat grateful.

They have her on the good drugs so she's not very alert, but she did come to for a short time while I was there. It was pretty horrible. She opened her eyes for a moment when I first said hello. I sat with her for awhile and just talked to her. My step dad came back in the room awhile later, we were supposed to leave, the nurses needed to do whatever. When we turned to go she grabbed my hand tightly and her eyes were wide open. She was in total panic, shaking her head & trying to mouth something. It looked like she was trying to say “no, no.” I tried to comfort her & tell her she needed to rest & calm down so she could come home, that we wouldn't leave her alone & she would be okay, she was doing much better today. She just kept slowly shaking her head. I finally left her when her next dose of morphine kicked in.

I'm pretty shaken right now. I would hate to be in her shoes, terrified & unable to talk, not knowing what's happening, knowing you're going to die & that you may never be able to say those last words. I just hope she doesn't go in the middle of the night without us there for her. As much as I don't want to watch her die, I know it would give her some comfort if at least one of us was there.