Dear Bloggy #2

How do people manage to get on with it after losing someone? Will I ever stop replaying memories of the last few weeks of Mum’s life in my head? Staying with her in the hospital, especially her last 48 hours, was by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Watching someone die is such a powerful yet disturbing experience – I could feel the life just drain out of her in her in those last few moments. A little voice in my head was screaming at me to run out of the room, but I knew I needed to be there for her. Then her jaw twitched a bit and there was no more. Mum was finally free, and you could sense her soul filling the room.

The week Mum died, I fell into the deepest depression I’d ever experienced. After a few days, it was bothering me how down I was so much that it was making me more depressed. I kept thinking “I’ve got to snap out of this…I can’t lose it, I just can’t…” I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t function on a normal level, I couldn’t sleep or eat.

At least now I’m out of the wallowing, non-functioning phase. Now I’m just struck by random moments of emotional breakdown. A perfect example would be last Tuesday. I was cooking myself some lunch after school and just burst into tears. For Christ’s sake, I got totally farklempt over mashed potatoes & a turkey pita. It was totally ridiculous. Thank goodness my friend Brook is understanding and will put up with me rambling & whining for extended periods of time on the phone. I probably kept her on for over an hour. I almost cried twice on the way to work last week. I passed a funeral home Friday evening and immediately got a visual of Mum in her casket. It’s like everything & anything will remind me of her & the fact she’s gone.

Since she died, some have told me time will heal. Usually these are people who haven’t experienced the death of someone that close to them. People that have faced it have said I never will.

What if I don’t have time on my side? I cannot stand being an emotional mess. I have so many demands between school, work, and family; and so many perfectionist ideals I force upon myself, and I feel like I can’t fall apart, I’ve got to be strong for my brother & sister. I know that it’s okay if I do fall apart, it’s almost to be expected after what I’ve been through, but I just can’t let myself.

I’ve got to try to be strong.