Lessons For Finding Ms. Right

My good friend Rebekah took a bartending job at a downtown bar called Addy's for the summer & it has become a regular weekend hangout for me. I've also managed to garner a fan club there - I've dubbed it my Viagra fan club, since it consists of men over 40. No offense to the over 40 crowd, but I'm a little young for you guys. Not so much into the trophy wife thing.

One of my fan club members, Bob, is actually very sweet & fun to chat with. He also helps me fend off unwelcome suitors. Believe me, there are plenty of them. Being a redhead sucks sometimes - it draws attention, & I don't need men learing at me to boost my self esteem. Boys should know it's not polite to stare anyways. At least I don't have any cleavage to stare at. That brings me to Lesson #1: If you hit on a redhead, she doesn't want to hear some story about a redhead you used to date who was crazy in bed, or some joke about redheads and their tempers, or your redhead fetish, or some sappy story about how your ex or first love or whatever was a redhead. It's just creepy, & I've heard all of the above a million times.

One Friday night, this boy sends over a watermelon martini & a few minutes later sits in the stool next to me. He strikes up a conversation & starts asking what I do. I tell him about school & he proceeds to tell me he graduated from there a year ago & has had a lot of trouble finding gainful employment, then starts a tirade about how the school sucked. Lesson #2: Telling me your unlucky in the career department is not a good way to impress. I'm not looking for a sugar daddy, but ambition & career direction are important to me, & if you start out the conversation on a negative note by blasting my alma mater it turns me off. Angry boy is not what I'm looking for. Bob helped me get rid of him since he wasn't taking my not so subtle hints to bug off. Lesson #3: If girl loses interest & starts ignoring you & talking to other people, move on, & save yourself the trouble & further rejection. Maybe you can find someone more naive at the other end of the bar. Know when to call it quits.

A week later I went to another favorite downtown bar of mine, Sophisticated Palate. If you're ever in the Greenville area check it out. It's very quiet & laid back & owned by a nice Dutch couple with good taste in both wine & jazz. Great for people who are over the meat market. But I'm rambling off subject as usual. I went with my kinda ex/now friend/who the hell knows so we'll call him in limbo boy. The guy who hit on me at Addy's was sitting at the bar. "Why is that guy glaring at me?" asked in limbo boy. I told him the previous weekends events. "So what, you're like his terrioritory now?" I guess so, however that reasoning works. An hour or so later, in limbo boy got up to use the facilities, & as soon as he left, Addy's boy took his seat. What nerve! "I remember you from somewhere... didn't you go to ECPI college?" Without giving me time to answer, he says " I used to lecture there, I think you attended one of my lectures..."

"Actually, you tried to pick me up at Addy's last week & you said you were a student there & were having trouble finding a job if I remember correctly."

He turned away & protested "no, I used to lecture there, I wasn't just a student."

Lesson #4. Keep track of who you hit on & what bulls**t you tell people. Especially anyone within a one week time frame.

A few weeks later I attended a party thrown by a former coworker. We worked together in the car biz a few years back & we still get everyone together for shooting pool as often as possbile. She has been working for another dealership & invited some of her new coworkers. When 2 very young looking boys standing close by made eye contact & started walking my way, I assumed they were with the new coworker crowd.

Brown haired boy & blonde boy say hello & ask my name. Before any proper introductions, blonde boy asks if I'm with anyone. I answered yes even though I wasn't, and brown haired boy rolls his eyes & says "well I guess nevermind." Blonde haired boy says "well, maybe all isn't lost, we could at least make conversation." For christs sakes, you could at least make an attempt to appear interested in me as a person before you make it clear you just want to sleep with me. So blonde haired boy proceeds to "make conversation", but the attempt at feigned interest was poor. At one point brown haired boy walks away while blondie is still trying to converse, even though I've quit participating in this game a long time ago. Like from the moment they walked up, actually. Then he decides to give a sales pitch & overcome objections. Are you ready for this? He actually said " well my friend is a really nice guy, and I think you should go home with him instead." Oh yeah, I'm sold now!

Lesson #4: I'm pretty sure these guys got in with fake ID's. If not, they had just turned 21. For all you young boys out there, if a woman is in her late 20's or older and she's still single, she is going to be way to cynical for your bs. Don't bother. She will chew you up and spit you out. She will take one look at your fresh faced inexperience & nervous behavior and laugh. Then she'll tell all her friends & they'll laugh, then she'll blog about it & make the whole world laugh. You are way out of your league here. Lesson #5: Since I'm obviously older than your teenage friends and much more cynical, I'm not going to fall for "my friend is a nice guy, go home with him". Even a 15 year old should know better. If your friend was a nice guy, he wouldn't send you to do his dirty work & if you were a nice guy, you'd get better at conversation before you go in for the close. I'm not a prospect to be sold to. Lesson #6: If I say I'm with someone, that is a clear notice to politley excuse yourself & get the hell out of my face, even if you're not keen on subtle hints of disinterest. Reread Lesson #3 if you need further clarification.

Another thing for you boys out there to note. Every guy in the world has told us "you're beautiful" or "you're the prettiest girl in this place" or "hey woo hoo you're hot s**t" or whatever. Lesson #7: come up with something new, I beg of you. The best compliment I've ever recieved from a man was when he told me I was the most intelligent women he knew.

I'm not trying to be mean to all you men. I know it takes balls to talk to complete strangers. And maybe some of you are actually trying to find Ms. Right, not Ms. Right Now. I'll listen for a minute. And I admit I'm quick to judge, but I'm generally right. Some of you guys are just sad & creepy. In fact, at this point in my life, almost all men creep me out. Maybe all the non-creepy ones have married off already or have been sent to some remote island. It's all downhill to menopause from here.