Stepparenting Ain't Easy

In February, Chip’s license had been suspended for letting his insurance lapse. During this time, I picked up Cosette three to four nights per week, plus made the hour and 15 minute round trip to take her to school in the morning. The previous week, I was unable to pick her up for her usual Wednesday visitation because I worked until well after 10:00 p.m. We had a major project deadline at work and I had put in two consecutive 70 hour weeks. I had asked several times if we would keep her Friday to make up for Wednesday, but Chip never answered. I told him that I would prefer to have some time to myself that Saturday afternoon to unwind, as I was exhausted and stressed after the long hours at work. Chip could’ve still kept her Friday night and made arrangements for her care on Saturday afternoon, or he could have told me that I was being a selfish bitch and it was important for me to keep her. Instead, he used it as his way out. He ignored the fact that I frequently watched her on the weekends since I was off and he was working; that I always made sure we had plenty of fun activities planned so she wouldn’t be stuck in front of a TV all day; that because he couldn't be bothered, I had taken it upon myself to track every minute we kept her on a special calendar just in case we ever needed it for the future; that he and his family had always been complimentary about how good I was to Cosette and how great it was that I was a part of her life; that I loved her as much as if she were my own daughter; that I was happily involved with her life and well being. He ignored all of it and accused me of not giving a shit about her.

Granted, Cosette and I both had a few adjustment issues once I moved in, but those were ironing themselves out and were not nearly as bad as they could’ve been in the first place. I was ill prepared for the stepmother role and Chip provided no support, but I was trying my hardest to make it work.

Cosette had been asking for years when would we get married and when would I move in and could we do it now? She was very excited when she found out that I was in fact moving in. Unfortunately, Chip never had a proper conversation with Cosette about it, instead telling her in the car on the way back to the house the weekend that it took place. After a few weeks, her adjustment issues began to show – she started testing my authority, albeit in minor ways, and her jealousy over her father flared. Instead of talking to Cosette about her concerns and fears, Chip ignored the situation entirely and some of his actions made it worse. Cosette is an extremely well behaved, unselfish, and genuinely caring child. He had always been fairly strict with her, but grew increasingly lenient. It got to the point that he barely disciplined her at all and would not back me up if I did so. The role of disciplinarian was not one I should have had to take in the first place. It was getting to the point of Cosette controlling the house. All the while, he was subtly pushing me to the side, creating an “us against her” mentality in the home and making me feel like an outsider. I pictured us becoming a happy family, but instead I was a third wheel.

The crisis reached a boiling point and we ended up seeing my therapist. I had gone to her after Mum’s death but had not seen her since the previous spring. She talked to him about how he needed to include me fully, that it needed to be the three of us together, how he needed to confront Cosette’s adjustment issues head on and get her to open up. She assured him that having a “blended” family could work and that Cosette would come to terms with it if we handled it properly. She also suggested I try stepping back from the disciplinary role and be less direct and harsh. I admittedly had been stricter with Cosette than in the past, and felt horrible once I realized it. I was taking out my frustrations with the situation on her. I tried to discuss my frustrations with Chip, but once again I was shut out.

My therapist offered to see us for a few more sessions, hopeful that would be enough to get us on the right track. I broached meeting with her again to Chip a few times, but there was always an excuse or schedule conflict. In the meantime, Cosette was improving on her own, while the bond between Chip and I continued to break.